1-11-06... Kind of:

Earlier today this lady said to me, "If you make me laugh, you would be cool in my book." I was like, "Look, if you write books, you are not cool in my book... I am illiterate."
Somebody please explain to me why the Yellow Pages feel the need to send me a new phone book every 2 weeks. I've got like 23 telephone books. I’d throw them away, but they're too heavy. I don't feel like having to stretch before I walk 10 feet to the bin. How do you explain a phone book injury to the doctor? "I was just trying to order a pizza."

So my name is Gerald. I have the oldest, most boring sounding name ever. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m white. So I can’t even spell it the cool way. I might as well tack on 40 years to my age and start greeting people at Wal-Mart.

Sometimes I get in trouble with the law and try to circumvent the system. One time this judge put me on house arrest so I said, "Fine, I'll just buy a HOUSE BOAT. Six months off the coast of Barbados ought to teach me, Judge Joe Brown." My parents hate when I get in trouble. That’s dumb, like they would send me a card saying, “Dear son, congratulations on the 2nd degree murder charges.” That wouldn’t be good enough for my dad. He would be like, “2nd degree… premeditate next time, pussy.”

I watch a lot of sports on TV except when commercials are getting in the way. There's that Dr. Pepper commercial where the guy will do anything for love except give the girl his Dr. Pepper. Look, if I’m going to get laid I am pretty sure I can shell out the dollar to buy myself another one. Where are these cheap whores that will put out for a Dr. Pepper? I'll give her a freaking 2 liter if that will make her bring one of her girlfriends into the mix. We all know that every kiss begins with Kay, but you didn’t know that every blowjob begins with 20 dollars. Guys, something is sad if you aren’t at least at first base with a woman before you buy her a 5000 dollar diamond. It should be anal sex begins with Kay.

Sometimes I watch sports that aren’t really sports. There is the Marco Polo Invitational. Marco Polo; also known as a bunch of naked dudes in a pool flailing their arms aimlessly, splish- splashing around, while a blind guy tries to touch them. Who invented this, Elton John during a visit to Stevie Wonder's house? Then there’s NASCAR. I wish NASCARS had turn signals. They could totally mess with their competition. Like say Junior’s driving. “All right, I got this. I'm gonna win this here one for my daddy. Wait. What the? What? Does Stewart have his right turn signal on?” He calls his pit. “Hey, Stewart's got his right turn signal on. Is there a turn up here that I don't know about?”

Real quick before I go, do me a favor, the next time you are listening to a CD with friends and it skips I guarantee that some douche bag will say, "It's the re-mix." Please smack that person for me if I am not there. They deserve to be hit. Just say, "Gerald told me to." They will be like, "Who's Gerald?" Hit them again and when they ask why you hit them again, just tell them that it’s the re-mix.

Hey, thank you all very much. My name is Gerald Young and I’ll be buying Dr. Peppers for one of you lucky ladies at the end of the show. Have a good night.