I'm going to start by taking the easy way out. I'm in the military. The Iraqi military. I got you. I'm in the Air Force. It's the military for the fat and lazy. I'm getting fat. I tried growing one of those chinstrap beards, but I wasn't sure which chin to put it on. Sometimes the military tests us for drugs and STDs. How come most STDs sound like Greek God names? I am Herpes, the Greek God of Lust. I am Chlamydia, the Goddess of Thunder. I am Syphilis, the God of Rage. That's a joke I'll be dropping when I get home

I guess I could have done other things besides be in the military, like I could have been a professional gambler. I'd make all the wrong bets, though, like I'd take the University of Phoenix Online to win the NCAA tournament. Yeah, I'll go double or nothing that Jason White (Ex Oklahoma University quarterback who didn't make the NFL because he has the knees of an 80 year old hooker) will make a fine NFL quarterback. My gambling's worse now that they have the lottery here in Oklahoma. I try to make deals with God too, like I'll give up drinking if you let me win. Let's face it, if God lets me win the lotto, all I'm going to do is drink more and make fun of him for being so gullible. I shouldn't joke about him as much as I do especially down here in the "Belt." If I won, I wouldn't thank God, though. There are times when you shouldn't thank God, like if you win a Porn Award. Look, Kassy, God didn't help you win the Best Gang Bang. I like that joke because I can insert any one of my ex girlfriends names in there and it will still work.

I used to wear glasses. People always wanted to try them on. I have bad eye sight too so they would always be like, "Geez, I can see into the future with these things." Give me my damn glasses back, Nostradamus. I figured all that would change once I got contacts. Nope. The other day someone wanted to try them on too. What do I gotta do, get lasek? Will someone be like, "Hey, let me try your eyes on?" (This joke is totally not funny at all. WTF was I thinking?)

So apparently each Norman Police officer is being issued a taser gun, but they won't get it until they've had it used on themselves. Do they do that with all their weapons? "Here's your Billy Club, but first I'm going to have to crack you on the head with it." They shouldn't have the tasers tested on the cops, they should have it tested on the Big Red Sports and Imports guy (this Oklahoma douche has a commercial of him every commercial break. He always say's "Mile of Cars in .... Norman and points to the camera like a total bag of douche); "Mile of cars in...ahhhh!" (I fall down like a total spaz)Then they should make a new gerbil taser and use it on the Mathis brothers (The guys sell furniture and have commercials on all the time! One of them is rumored to have Richard Gere'd a gerbil). Try watching 5 minutes of television and not seeing one of those commercials. You'd have better luck winning the lotto. "Please, God, I'll give up drinking. I promise."

There's that Dr. Pepper commercial where the guy will do anything for Dr. Pepper except give the girl his Dr. Pepper. (Yeah, I totally fucked up my own joke that killed last week. Next time I won't drink so much before going on... yeah right). We all know that every kiss begins with Kay, but did you know that every blowjob begins with 20 dollars? I'm not Dr. Phil, but if you aren't at least at first base with a woman before you buy her a 5000 dollar diamond. It should be anal sex begins with Kay.

Real quick before I go, do me a favor, the next time you are listening to a CD with friends and it skips I guarantee that some douche bag will say, "It's the re-mix." Please use a taser on that person for me if I am not there. Just say, "Gerald told me to." They will be like, "Who's Gerald?" Taser them again and when they ask why you tasered them again, just say, "re- mix, bitch."

It was kind of a rough night and even the MC, Feature, and Headliner didn't get great response. I was happy to get the laughs that I got. I learned that I need to not drink 6 beers and a Jaeger Bomb before performing because it fucks my timing up. In case you all didn't figure out, all the stuff in parenthesis was put there to give you a better understanding of what I was talking about because some of these jokes were catered to an Oklahoma City crowd.