12-28-05:

Hello everybody my name is Gerald Young. That’s Gerald. I have the most boring, oldest sounding name ever. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m white. I can’t even spell it the cool way. I might as well tack on 40 years to my age and start greeting people at Wal-Mart. I serve in the military. OK, well I'm not in the real military; I'm in the Air Force. The Air Force is alright. Free Dental is cool. I need it too because I have a snaggletooth. My tooth is so out of place that British people point and laugh at me.

Sometimes I get in trouble with the law and try to circumvent the system. Like this one time I got arrested: There were people picking up trash on the side of the road so I threw wadded up pieces of paper out my window at them that said, "Hey, keep up the good work." The judge didn’t think it was funny and he put me on house arrest so I said, "Fine, I'll just buy a HOUSE BOAT. Six months off the coast of Barbados ought to teach me, Judge Joe Brown."

My parents hate when I get in trouble. That’s dumb, like they would send me a card saying, “Dear son, congratulations on the 2nd degree murder charges.” Nothing was ever good enough for my dad. He would be like, “2nd degree… premeditate next time pussy.” About my family; my mom’s from Minnesota and my dad's from Alabama which is kinda weird because half of my family has never seen a black person and the other half is in the Klan.

I think it's awesome how far America’s come with having more minorities in positions of power. We aren't totally there yet. Not until we have an African American in charge of the Klan. I can hear it now, "Oh! There's gonna be some changes around here crackas." Racist people are ignorant. Like this one time I met this guy that was racist. He said to me, "All these damn homosexuals should go back to Africa where they came from." I looked him right in the eyes and said, “Damn, Uncle Bobby, everybody knows it's the Mexicans that come from Africa.” I have a Mexican friend named Max, a black friend named Robert, and a Korean friend named Mike. I think I am racist against names.

I hate racist people, but there’s someone that hates them more; God. Sure he's supposed to love everyone, but can't he have animosity towards one group? Like, say, the hardcore dieters. How do you think God feels about this low-carb craze? He's probably thinking, "What, I broke all this bread for nothing?" America's getting out of control with all of these diet products. Low carb this, low fat that. I'm counting down the days until there's diet water.

So, this is the Bible belt? I grew up in Michigan and this is a little different for me. I mean, it’s not that there's no such thing as God up there. It's just that he's not plastered over every billboard, newspaper, and bathroom stall like he is down here. I mean, "For a good time call Jesus?" God is cool though. He's got his own telemarketers. A lady called me up the other day asking if I found God... I didn't even know he was missing. We better send out a search party quick! So Linda asks if I have accepted Jesus into my life. At first I was like, “Is this the laziest Jehovah's Witness ever?” Then I thought what if it was God on the other line testing me. I think Jesus is a swell dude, but I think he made for a terrible Jew. Let’s face it, most Jews are good at saving pennies, He couldn't even save himself. I think he'd make a horrible Catholic, too; he'd be way too conceited: "In the name of the Father, ME, and the Holy Spirit...What would I do?"

I wonder why sports stars never blame Jesus when they lose. Just once I want to hear an interview with the losing pitcher and hear him say, "Well my curve ball was working and I took a lot of steroids today. I would have won had it not been for that meddling Jesus Christ."

Real quick before I go, I used the term “Jews” earlier. Sometimes that upsets people. Look, I’m Baptist. You can call us Baps if you want. Thank you all.