As a Kid...

When I played doctor I chose to be the dentist...It was just insane the amount of novocaine me and the rest of my first grade class did.

When we played cops and robbers. I was always the cop just so I could take payouts and keep the other kids' stashes.

When we played cowboys and indians I was always the indian. I had my own casino and I would pass out drunk on the side of the road.

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When I was 12 and Brandon was 8 we asked our parents to play the board game Life. They took it too literal. They made us get jobs. Started charging us rent. How do you explain to your little brother that he is giving hand jobs in a back alley because the electric bill is late?

My dad wasn't the type to bond with his sons. I asked him to play Uno one time. He used some Spanish word trickery and made me play by myself.

Why do I still go to my barber when he has had a mullet for 20 years? He still has his Grammy for "Achey Break Heart" proudly displayed.

How can women fake an orgasm, but the second a man tries he is labeled impotent?

I don't know what the key to success is. The lock on the other hand is every single thing I have done in my life up to this point.

I like TV show marathons. They are my way of proving that I have the endurance of a coma patient with insomnia.

Women can make me angry sometimes. One time a woman drove me to drink a lot, but I got the DUI on the way home.

The good news is that today is the first day of the rest of your life. The bad news is that you're dead and I'm banging your wife.

If you walked a mile in my shoes you would see where I am coming from and you would get blisters just like me.

I hate my name. I wish I could tell my mom that I hate my name, hop back into her womb, and give her another chance.

I sometimes get headaches, but I used to smoke a lot of pot, so aspirin is like Flintstones Vitamins to me.

I don't drink a lot of beer, but I classify a little as 24.

I don't sterotype people. I tend to monotype them.

I want to be a guy that impersonates impersonators.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I'll choose a shotgun over a crayon anyday.

Life isn't fair, but that doesn't mean you can't pay off the judges.

Beggars can't be choosers, but they can say no to the things they don't want.

Who coined the phrase, "Coined the phrase?"

People have told me that I am flirting with disaster. This is bullshit. I am not just flirting with it, I am fucking disaster in the ass.

Some people have been asshole and lost friends. They say that they have burned too many bridges. That wouldn't be the case if they were pyromaniacs.

Straight people say "motherfucker" when they are mad. Do homosexuals say "fatherfucker?"

Let's say that your girlfriend has a gay male friend. She is going to go out with him to hang out, or whatever a straight chick and gay guy do. Maybe try her clothes on. Suck penis. Whatever. Guys, I have a word of advice. If your girlfriend or wife does this, do not invite 2 lesbian girls over to hang out with you. It is apparently not the same thing.

I like to follow around people that say they aren't leaders...Just to make them re-evaluate the situation.

It amazes me that Nyquil is legal and opium is not?

Cleanliness would be next to Godliness except that God is one dirty motherfucker.

If at first you don't succeed, try and try suicide.

Hey, look on the bright side...unless you have a flashlight. If you have a flashlight you can look wherever the hell you want.

I am a huge baseball fan. The tradition, lore, history, and because I once banged a chick in the dugout.

I belong to this group of people that think they don't belong anywhere they go. Then I looked around and noticed all the belonging that was going on.

I like to walk around with a gigantic eraser following all of those people that leave their mark on society.

A guy I work with said to me, "What's the worst thing you can do at another guy's house?" I said, "Take his last beer." He said, "You're a genius." Nope, just an alcoholic.

I like to play Connect 4, but only against color blind people.

There's that saying, "I've been around the block once or twice." Look, I'm not gonna take advice from someone that doesn't know how many times they've been around the block.

If it was 1849 and you were some sick fuck that liked to eat cat poop; cleaning out a litter box would be your equivalent of panning for gold.

I knew it was time to quit doing drugs when I tried to rewind a dvd before I returned it to the store.

I knew it was time to slow down my drinking when I was drinking a beer in my car on my way to the store to buy more beer while a beer commercial was playing on the radio.

I tried to expect the unexpected, but the unexpected turned out to be what I was expecting. So I was fucked.

If someone says, "What, did someone piss in your Cornflakes?" to me again, I am going to take a shit in their Raisin Bran Crunch.

I think life is just God's way of punishing you for not being dead yet.

I just couldn't live with myself if I commited suicide.

Let it be known that I have never laughed so hard that I have ever pissed my pants. If I ever did piss my pants from laughing so hard I would probably piss my pants from laughing at myself for pissing in my pants for laughing so hard.

I am helping some friends around their house doing some yard work and building a fence. I suck with tools. I always have. If someone ever told me to build a house I would grab a deck of cards. "There ya go. I hope you shrink and I hope someone doesn't walk by and create a stiff breeze. Oh, and one more thing, don't piss off the big bad wolf. Don't piss off the little pussy wolf with emphysema either."

I always liked those signs that say "Slow Children Playing." We need to get those kids on a work out program or something. That, or they need some helmets. I guess the yellow sign matches the color of the short bus they ride.

No matter how you spin it, if your birthday is on December 25th, you're fucked. "Hey, it's my birthday everyone." "Yeah, it's also that one dude's birthday as well. What's his name? Oh yeah, Christ. Happy birthday to you as well Jim. Here's some fruitcake douche bag. Way to steal the Almighty's thunder, asshole."

Seatbelts are life savers, but they are the laziest life savers of all time. I mean, they just sit there. If I was a fireman, I would just look at a seatbelt and laugh at it; knowing that I am a better life saver than it ever was.