I'm Brandon Young and I'd like to thank God for getting me on the stage tonight. A lot of sports stars and celebrities always thankg God during acceptance speeches. There are some times when you shouldn't; like if you win a porn award you shouldn't thank him. I'm pretty sure he didn't help you win for Best Gang Bang.

And how come sports stars never blame God when they lose? Just once I want to hear the losing pitcher in an interview say (in a southern accent), "Well, my curve ball was working and everything seemed to be going fine. We probably would have won had it not been for that meddling Jesus Christ." He turns into Dr. Claw, he's all, "Next time, Jesus. Next time."

There's one where the athletes never thank God and that's Nascar. "Good racing Mr. Hicksworth. Anyone you want to thank?" (In the same southern accent) "Yeah, well, I'd like to thank my pappy and the friendly people over there at Pennzoil for helping me put together this finely tuned automobile."

Do you like how he sounds just like the losing pitcher? I've only got one impression.

There's a lot of billboards out now telling you to go to church and have Jesus in your heart. This is good and all, but some are getting out of hand: "For a good time, call Jesus."

I had a telemarketer call me the other day, "Have you found Jesus?" I didn't even know he was missing. We better send out a search party quick. My first thought was this person was trying to sell me the Christian knock-off of a Where's Waldo? book. Where's Jesus? You have to find Jesus, his Bible, and his dog. Then I started thinking that this is either the laziest Jehovah's Witness ever or it's God on the other line testing me.

Jesus was a horrible Jew. Most Jews are good at saving things like money; he couldn't even save himself. That's okay, I think he'd make a horrible Christian, too. He'd be way too conceited, "In the name of the Father, ME, and the Holy Ghost. What would I do?"

Once, again, I'm Brandon Young and I'd like to thank God for making this all possible. Thank you and goodnight.