Life would be great if I went to Bayside. I would have given A.C. Slater a wedgie everyday until he said " Bonaduce" 100 times. I would have shoved Screech into every locker until he promised that he wouldn't go into stand up comedy. I would have called Zack, "Preppy," but then I would put marijuana in his locker so Mr Belding could find it. Then I would start calling him "Stoner."

Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano, and Kelly Kapowski would all have been my bitch. Stacey Carosi (Leah Remini) would have stuck around longer than just 1991.

I would have turned the Max into a strip burger joint where the wait staff would deliver food naked. There would have been no fears on that fateful day of September 22, 1990 that the Max may be no more.

I would have kept Zack's mom busy so she never would have found them with their fake I.D.s. They still would have found Kelly's new boyfriend was cheating on her, but it would be me that told Kelly and it would have been my shoulder that she cried on.

When Zack, Lisa and Screech opened their advice hotline. I would have been there to turn it into a phone sex line. Of course the money I made from that and the date auction would have been used to buy new cheerleader outfits. Any left over money would have been used to repair Lisa's moms car after we wrecked it from our drunk driving in celebration of her big Homecoming Queen victory.

Life would have been great if I went to Bayside High.