It seems like my life is consistently in a downhill spiral. Not in a faggy Emo kind of way just shitty all the time. I have decided that it is because I surround myself with shitty people. This is not going to change.
It is Mardi Gras right now so I went down to New Orleans on Saturday. Sounds like my life isn't so bad huh? I can just pack up whenever I want and go to the biggest party in the world? Fuck that New Orleans sucks balls. The day started off bad enough, bumper to bumper traffic for 3 hours on a 1 1/2 hour trip. We had to park 3 miles away from our destination and apparently the theme for this years parades was "Fat Dykes".
I rode down there with my buddy "racist Nick" and the plan was to meet up with another friend "New Orleans Marc" (For those of you who don't remember he is the one that faked a Terminal illness on myspace in hopes of getting some pussy, I don't think it worked.) We arrived and carried a case of beer to a restaurant that Marcs friend worked at. We walked straight in the door with a case of beer and went to the table. Ever walked into a restaurant with a case of beer and sat down to drink it?? I have and it felt good. In any case the friend who worked there was a hottie so I turned on the charm a little bit. When she came up to the table I looked her straight in the eyes and said. "Honey, why don't you go grab the big boys some ice for the beer" It was at this point I knew she wanted the dick. Well maybe not because it was at this point I was informed she was a lesbo and her fat ugly Dyke girlfriend was sitting at the table, foiled again. But what did this sea cow have that I didn't? Nothing good I can promise you that. The challenge was on, if i'm gonna cheat on my shitty girlfriend again it better be with a lesbo cheating on her shitty girlfriend. We all left and went to the parade. Within 10 minutes those fucking horse cops were pushing us out of the way and shiting on the ground right next to our feet. I hate New orleans. Moving on I must have had a red target on my face because beads were smacking me left and right. I think it was because I was the only extremely good looking person in a three block area. So I have close to 8,000 beads around my neck and I look down to notice we have one beer left in the cooler. MINE!
So i'm pounding our last beer and sexy lesbo girl asks me if I will walk her to go get a drink. Fucking right I will this carpet muncher wanted me bad, I could feel it in that special place. So she starts bitching to me about how she wants to dump her girlfriend and how she is still in too guys. This is my chance, I need to find an alley or a bathroom or a who gives a shit and bang this chick right now. We grab our drinks and she takes a shot of tequila, that's my little party girl it's go time. Lesbo brushes her hair out of her face and looks me straight in the eyes. She opens her mouth and I expect to hear something super dirty about how her clit piercing craves me or maybe something deeper. This does not happen, point blank the bitch pukes on my shoes. "Oh hells no bitch" I screamed and the entire bar turned around to look. "This cunt just puked all over my fucking shoes" The bar patrons begin to laugh so why should I stop there? "You probably wouldn't get so fucking sick all the time if you didn't eat all that fat girl pussy" She is mortified and begins to cry. Tears to me are like fuel to the fire so I go on about a three minute rant about how her incestuous behavior and sharing needles has really fucked her life. Two guys at the bar buy me shots for the performance I just put on and she leaves crying/puking. The bartender chick congratulates me for screaming at what she called "another drunk cunt ralphing in my bar" she has a british accent, I am turned off by this.
This will be as multi part blog and it probably won't be funny so don't read it if you don't want too.
-Graham
DamnCrackers©2007