Many people have drunken adventures
on their weekend off or maybe a crazy story that happened on a Tuesday
night at a dive bar in the country, but there is a select group of
dedicated alcoholics that ravage themselves day in a day out. Today I
focus my writing ability on myself, for I am a member of the select
group of dedicated alcoholics.
This story begins with a journey to
North Carolina, more specifically Chowan College. I spent one long
semester at bum fucked Chowan College and have many drunken stories to
tell of this place, however, the focus on this story is what happened a
couple of months after I transferred to a better college in
Pennsylvania.
On a warm spring day my friend from High
School met me in the parking lot of Seaver’s Hall on the Campus
of Shippensburg University. This was going to be a typical college road
trip. The game plan was to drive from Shippensburg to North Carolina
and visit a couple that still talked to me after I transferred. And if
luck would be on my side I might even get laid.
The drive to North Carolina was
uneventful and filled mostly with old drunken stories that myself and
my friend participated in during our high school years. It mostly
centered on the times that we got hammered and we’re stupid
enough to drive around. All those stories ended the same way;
it’s amazing we didn’t get killed.
Being young, single and in college I
loved to drink beer and party it up. So when we arrived on the campus
of Chowan College, the people I went to see already had the beer pong
table out and half of them were pretty hammered. The dorm rooms at
Chowan College were relatively small and the beer pong table had to be
custom made in order to fit. Once the table was set up, a person had to
stay on either side of the room because there was very little room to
squeeze by the table. But one dumb ass blonde headed girl with a big
ass always thought that she could fit and knocked the table over about
8 times with her left ass cheek. We laughed and made fun of her. Of
course, if worst came to worst I would have probably banged her.
So Friday night passed with very little
drama and my friend and I found ourselves sitting around in the same
dorm room on Saturday drinking beer and trying to work off a bad hang
over.
As Saturday night started I found myself
trying to bang this little hippy chick. She was quite attractive and I
figured I wouldn’t make it down to North Carolina to often so I
might as well give it a go. After playing thousands of games of beer
pong and drinking my fair share of Schlitz and Shaffer beer I wound up
laying in this hippy chicks bed with her looking at me. For shame, I
told myself, for I drank to much beer. I realized I was suffering from
whisky dick.
So my dumb drunken ass passes out in her
bed without getting laid. My friend was sleeping in the hippy
chick’s room mate’s bed and he was passed out to. So I
slept in a drunken haze and waited for morning to come and greet me
with a headache.
I awoke to find the hippy chick changing
and getting ready to start her Sunday. Seeing her half naked made me
realize how much of an ass I was for not banging her, but soon I
realized I had bigger problems on my hands. In my drunken stupor of
half sleep I managed to piss myself. Its amazing the girl didn’t
feel it while she was sleeping next to me. Sadly, I was not surprised
by the fact that I had pissed my bed like a 5 year old because this was
not the first time. On several occasions prior to this event I had
pissed myself in a drunken binge. And little did I know that the future
held more miserable pissing events that were yet to come.
My drunken friend began to stir and he
said up in bed and spoke, “dude”, he said looking at me,
“I gotta piss”.
He got up from the bed and walked out
the door. I continued to lie in my own urine wondering how I was going
to explain this and what would I do. I didn’t have a plan. This
was second time I pissed myself while sleeping with a chick but for the
life of me I couldn’t remember what I did the first time. My mind
was a blank. It seemed fate had finally caught up to me I would be
forced to come to terms with my alcoholism.
The door opened up and my friend walked
back in. He was carrying two cans of Sprite that he had purchased from
the soda machine. Being the asshole that he is he threw on of the cans
in the general area of my nuts.
I looked at the can. My mind began to
break from the alcohol induced coma and slowly a plan formed in my
mind. I looked at my friend and said, “Dude, thank you.” I
realized I had over emphasized the thank you and my friend gave me a
strange look. I looked away from him and back to the hippy chick
sitting by her computer. I wondered if she had picked up on this
mistake of mine. Did she realize what I was about to do? Fuck it, I had
a problem and now, armed with the can of Sprite I had a solution.
I opened the soda and took a small sip.
The clear liquid hit my tongue and immediately brought the life back to
it. I was saddened that I could not drink the soda but I knew what I
had to do. I pretended to pass out while holding the soda at an awkward
angle. Slowly I let my hand drift apart from the can. In a matter of
seconds the clear delicious Sprite beverage was spilling all over the
bed. When most of the soda was empty I screamed out in a pleasant
surprise. “Shit, I spilled my soda,” I said trying to get
some kind of acting going.
“What, dude you’re a dumbass,” my friend said looking at me like I was stupid.
“Fuck you,” was all I could
manage as a reply. The hippy chick turned from her computer and looked
at the mess I had made. She assured me not worry and began to strip the
blankets off the bed. As she knelt by the side of the bed she gripped
the blanket and brought it close to her face and gave it the wetness a
sniff. I was fucking dying inside.
Force to stand now, I gave off the
appearance of a man that had just pissed his pants in some hot chicks
bed, and indeed that is what I was. The Sprite cover would work but
only for a short time. Soon she would realize what I had done and
probably be pissed off.
I told my friend to get his things
because we had to leave. He complied and I thought I would be able to
make a clean getaway. The hippy chick watched us while finishing up
with the bed and asked us a question. This was a question that I was
trying to avoid. She asked, “Do you guys want to go to
breakfast?” FUCK!!! I screamed inside my head. Didn’t she
realize that every time she touched the blanket she was actually
touching piss? At least I knew my plan was still working.
After a short wait for the blonde girl
with the big ass we were off to a local diner. I drove my friend in my
car and the two girls followed in there’s. At least this way I
could make a run for it after I had eaten.
We all sat together at the diner talking
about stupid shit and overall just feeling bad due to all the excess
booze still coursing through our veins. I, of course, felt like a
complete douche bag and wanted only one thing, to leave. Finally, our
check came and we said our good byes in the parking lot.
On the drive home I told my friend what
I had done and how his soda had been the reason I had gotten away with
it. We both laughed at the fact that she sniffed the blanket and
didn’t realize that it was piss.
That was the last time I visited anyone
at that school and about a week after this incident the hippy girl
stopped talking to me on instant messenger. I had the suspicion that
she had figured out what happened. Whether or not she knew the extent
of the plan that I had execute I do not know, but she has hasn’t
spoken to me since.