"9/9/09: We Shall Never Forget"
-By: Jon Medina
It seems like just 5 years
ago, but it's actually been like 97 years since one of the worst days we have
ever seen, September 9th, 1909.
Most of you are too young to remember,
but my one 103 year old reader will appreciate this a little more. Most of your
parents probably don't even remember. You may say to me, "but Dr. Jonathan
Pebblestone (you don't have to say the whole name, you weirdo....Jon will do
just fine)....my parents can't even remember my name....." and to that, I simply
say, stop being such a major fuck up and maybe ol' mom and dad will write you
back into the will.
Anywho, for those of you who are not 103 and do not
read old newpapers, you may not know what the hell I'm talking about. Or if
you've been living in a normal home for the last 97 years but were living under
a rock in September of '09, you may also be unfamiliar with the sad yet
inspiring tale I am about to share with you as you eat your powdered donuts
(roving wolverine) and wait for the football game (Tralfaz) or today's Cricket
match (Gerald Young) to start. (Dude, do you have to chew with your mouth open
while you read my blog? Gross. {Margaret})
My 103 year old reader, Mr.
Watson, could tell you the same thing I'm about to done tolded you, but he's
sleeping, or telling some kid to get off his lawn, or poopin' his pants while
sitting on a La-Z-Boy right now, so he'll have to give me an "amen" later on
this evening. (He thinks he lives at the church....poor fella)
But yeah,
I keep forgetting to tell you what it is. Doesn't that drive you nuts????
In September of 1909, in Boise, Idaho, which back then was known as
"Tatersville", something very newsworthy (or maybe just "newsy") was happening,
but it was in Boise/Tatersville, so it was either news because it happened
there, and nothing else was going on, or it was news everywhere else, and in
Tatersville, it was a fucking monumental shakedown of epic proportions. Whatever
the case may be, I feel it's my duty to report the events of that fateful day.
Sir Bradley Funknougat was awakened early that morning by his alarm
pigeon, Mr. Trinket. (if you think alarm clocks were invented by then, just
leave now. Do not pass OK Go's hilarious video (for a crappy song), do not
collect unemployment....just leave) Mr. Trinket informed Bradley that it was
time for his interview at the local Starbucks franchise. (I know, I know, the
first Starbucks didn't hit Boise until 1914, but it makes the story more
interesting. Shhhh...)
Sir Funknougat gave the pigeon a silver dollar
and was on his way after a quick shower and shave.
As he walked out of
his 18 story studio condominipartment, he noticed a distinctive stench, but
continued to walk along in his new "Fubu X-Ecutive Line" (FXL) suit. He didn't
look both ways before crossing his feet and tripped over the local bums stinky
Chuck Taylors. "Mornin' Sir Fucknugget" said the local bum. Bradley shook it
off. "Oh no....think nothin' of it, Mr. Localbum. Good day."
But he
turned around too quickly, not noticing a large puddle on the ground, and fell
onto his bottom with a thud.
"Now, now, Mr. Localbum", said Sir
Funknougat, with a slight scowl on his face, "I asked you very nicely to clean
up the rain puddle from last weeks storm, but it's still here, and now I've
ruined my new gear."
"I cleaned it, Sir Fluxnegro, I swear, but the
Super Big Gulp you bought me for my trouble.....well, it went through my system
a little quicker than I thought, and well, when you gotta go, you gotta
go......"
That's right, folks. 9/9/09 marked the first time someone
tripped and fell in a puddle of bum urine. So next time you walk out of a bar
and trip on some bum urine (simply stepping into a puddle of bum urine will not
count) tip your cap and bow your head in memory of Mr. Steven Localbum, without
whom this day of rememberance would not be possible. I hear they have a lovely
festival in Boise where everyone drinks Super Big Gulps all day and then they
proceed to publicly urinate wherever they can find a fresh spot. Oh, and Sir
Bradley Funknougat did get that job at the local Starbucks, and to prove it,
they have just constructed a statue of him sitting in a pool of urine right
there in front of the store. His resume was so impressive that even a slight
urine odor coming from his ass and the fact that he wore Fubu to a job
interview, could not prevent him from getting his dream job.
I'm ashamed
that you're even asking me this, but yes, of course.....slipping and falling in
a puddle of HOBO urine does qualify.... How dare you doubt that we would give
the proper kudos to our train-jumping brand of homeless pals.
Enjoy your
9th and don't drink too much. (sodie pop or crapp-uccinos)
DamnCrackers©2006