Band: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Album: Stadium Arcadium
By: Jon Medina
Label: WB aka the record company that has the same name as
the television network that brought you a dancing frog, Beauty and the
Geek and the lowest cumulative ratings ever.
Producer: Rick Rubin aka the guy with the giant beard aka the smiling guy with a smaller beard in L.L. Cool Js Goin Back to Cali video.
Album cover: It looks like a drawing of a grade school
science project. If on the Cosby Show, Rudy made a paper mache solar
system, it would look similar to this, but not as cheesy. On the back
cover, its a picture of the band who looks like theyre tripping on
acid. Good acting. I wonder what kind of experiences they were drawing
from during the photo shoot.
The booklet has some pretty cool pictures, I must say. I dont know why
Im speaking like Martin Short. Behind the booklet, theres a picture of
the band dressed up as football players. They look slightly more
talented and athletic than the Detroit Lions did last year. Hey, Im
sure Matt Millen will turn things around this year. Hes a wizard.
Vocals: Anthony Keadis aka the hippie aka one of the butthole surfers from Point Break
Guitar: John Frusciante aka the weird one aka the Keith Richards of RHCP
Bass: Flea aka the crazy one aka the guy who fires Marty McFly in Back the Future II aka the freaky guy from Big Lebowski
Drums: Chad Smith aka the normal one.
Disc One: Jupiter (Im still waiting for the third album to come out. Uranus. I hear its a real kick in the ass.)
"Dani California"
This was the first single on the album. It really grew on me. I didnt
care for it much at first, but now I think its a pretty good song.
Keadis seems to be trying to impress us by naming as many states as
possible. Ive heard Mississippi, Indiana, Alabama, Louisiana and of
course, California. Up until California, I thought he was naming all
the states that he hates playing in. The chorus is very familiar. I
think it sounds very similar to that one Fleetwood Mac song where they
talk about the White-winged dove. I had no idea Anthony Keadis was a
priest. He should open up a drive thru chapel in Las Vegas. He just
mentioned Minnesota and North Dakota. He also mentioned Dufusville.
Someone should tell him thats not a real state. This is a good song.
Not great, but really good. It makes me want to go shoot skeet with
Charles Nelson Reilly. John Frusciante performs the first of many
memorable guitar solos at the end of this one. Hes a shredder. Someone
warn the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Track score: 4/5
"Snow (Hey Oh)"
This song makes me want to burn some incense and meditate. The verses
and bridge of this song are very pansy. Im picturing Peter Paul and
Mary. Thats not a good thing to picture when listening to rock n roll.
I do like the chorus, though. I wish the rest of the song was that good
and rocked as much. I swear I hear some flute or other girlie
instrument being used here. Who invited Zamfir to the party? Did he
bring the salsa? This is a highly disappointing album. The first clue
that they couldve probably got away with doing a single album instead
of getting all ambitious (aka selfish) How could people as talented as
RHCP and Rick Rubin allow a song like this to be made. It goes way too
long, as well. Its like they want to keep reminding you how bad it is.
5 minutes and 34 seconds is excessive for crap like this.
Track score: 2.5/5
"Charlie"
This is the funky song and also the song where Anthony tries to rap.
Everybody do the twist, he instructs during the second verse. No, A.K.
I dont wanna. You do the twist. The last song sounded like you were
twisting a knife into my ear. The middle of the song has a righteous
guitar solo by Frusciante. This song is so incomplete. No song should
be incomplete when you do a double album. Dont release it if youre not
sure that every song belongs on there. This song is pretty good, but
still a slight bit..not awesome. After putting something out as
consistently beautiful as Californication a few years ago, youve got to
be able to handle the high expectations. So far, it just hasnt done
that for me. And so far, every song has gone on way too long. We dont
need to hear every bridge and chorus 16 times. Just a word of advice.
Thank you. This song makes me want to strangle myself with Rick Rubins
beard.
Track score: 3/5
"Stadium Arcadium"
This is the spacey song. This is also kind of a boring song. Frusciante
sort of saves it once again with his superb guitar playing. I really
like the background vocals during the second track. I think its
Frusciante, but Im not positive. He has a great voice. The song gets
better as it goes along. Kind of like sex with an ugly broad. You just
close your eyes and let the moment take over. I dont know what Im
talking about. I just thought Id try and follow up a line of
tom-foolery with a line that sounded like some tight ass record critic,
which I wouldnt mind being, if anybody feels like hiring me to do that.
This song reminds me a little of early 80s am pop rock. I grew up on
that stuff, so it doesnt bother me too much. My leg is falling asleep.
I need a desk. Does anybody really use their laptops on their laps?
Seems dangerous. And highly uncomfortable.
Track score: 3.5/5
"Hump De Bump"
This is another funky one. This is also one of the worst song titles
Ive ever witnessed. It does have a pretty decent sound to it, though. I
feel like dancing. Dance with me, I want to be your partner cant you
see. You can dance, you can dance, oh, having the time of your life. I
know those are two different songs. But Dance With Me sounds kind of
like Dancing Queen. I think when I was a youngsta, I thought that the
Dance With Me song was saying Dancing Queen then Abba came along and
made things even more confusing. In more ways then one. I was in love
with each member of Abba. Even the men. My life was a blur for the next
few years, but I remember one of the guys from Abba had a beard for a
while and I thought he was evil because the evil people in Superman had
beards, accept for the chicks. The chick was a brunette though, so I
think I thought brunettes were evil for a while, too. This was proven
to me at age 19 when I experienced true, agonizing heartache for the
first time at the hands of fellow brunette Tiffany Macourt. Thanks,
Tiffany. You rined my life, you whore! Pretty good song, though.
Track score: 3.5/5
"She's Only 18"
This is a weird song and not just because Keadis is a near-pedophile on
it. I think he said something about a girl at a strip club getting
something on her titty. John Frusciante must have sold his soul to
Satan or at least one of his disciples. Maybe he sold it to Jimi
Hendrix, because his distorted guitar solos are some of the best since
Jimi died in that bungy-jumping accident in 1984.
Track score: 3.5/5
"Slow Cheetah"
Another odd song title. He wants a slow cheetah to come before his
forest. Whatever turns you on, freak. The second verse is decent, but
am I the only person who has no idea what these songs are about? I mean
Im no freaking genius, Rob Dibble, but Im no moron either. It just
seems like so many of the lyrics on this album are extremely vague. At
certain points it sounds like they rushed through the recording
process. I dont know how you rush a double album, but they found a way
to achieve the impossible. This one is kind of boring at parts. More
nice work by Frusciante. I hate to sound like a broken record, but its
not as bad as sounding like a broken double record.
Track score: 3/5
"Torture Me"
This is the best intro to any song on the album thus far. Great bass
line and then the rest of the band turns it up and Keadis jumps in with
his most energetic vocals yet. He also hasnt sounded this sincere up to
this point. Inexplicably, there is a horn solo after the amazing first
verse. I dont know who is playing the trumpet or whatever it is, but I
think Flea has been known to play one before. Hes also been known to
play the fool sometimes, but everybody does. Aaron Neville told me. Not
just in that one song. He came to me in a dream one time and told me,
wellhe actually sang it to me, but he was like dont ever let anyone
take your dre-he-he-he-e-e-e-e-ams away.everybody plays the fool,
amigo-oh-oh-oh-oh. I dont know why he called me amigo, either, but it
was an awesome dream. Especially the part where he gave me a bite of
his Crunch Wrap Supreme and then smacked one of his hoes who he brought
along for the magic carpet ride.
Track score: 4/5
"Strip My Mind"
I was busy writing the end part of the review when this song was on.
Get off my back, dude. On top of that, I was mesmerized because Anthony
Keadis was stripping my mind. Whatever, weirdo. Not a bad song, though.
Except for the cheesy background vocals.
Track score: 3/5
"Especially in Michigan"
What is it with all these states? I thought he was talking about outer
space, but every song is a fucking book report for history class. When
are you going to take me to Jupiter, bro? If I wanted to learn about
Michigan, Id drive there. Or Id watch 8 Mile again. Thats probably all
Ill ever need to know about Michigan. By the way, how did Eminem call
out Xzibit in front of a bunch of other black people and not get his
ass kicked? His inner blackness mustve been extremely powerful to
overcome such a sticky situation. If youre a white man who can
freestyle, or remember the rap that you wrote the night before so well,
that it seems like youre making it up off the top of your head, then
you can go to the hood and say whatever you want without any
repercussions. Thank you, Mr. Mathers for teaching me a life lesson.
Oh, by the way, this is one of the best songs on the album so far.
Track score: 3.75/5
"Warlocks"
Whoa, Earth Wind and Fire has a new album, but their new singer sounds
like Anthony Keadis. Oh nevermind, its the Red Hot Chili Peppers
getting funky again while A.K. vocalizes some ambiguous lyrics. This
song is kinda crappy. When this song comes on feel free to go wash the
dishes or get the mail or make sure the taped-up guy in your trunk is
still there, but if hes not moving, youre on your own. I must warn you
from personal experience that if you put him in a bodybag, you must
make sure to poke some air holes into it, unless youre truly ready to
bury your first body. Dont go killing someone unless youre ready to
deal with it. You think watching a couple episodes of the Sopranos
makes you an expert? Well, it dont, Isaac. Dont be stoopit. Remember
how hard of a time Michael Imperioli had when he first tried to be a
gangster. Instead of just being a Wiseguy he had to go and try to be a
smart-ass and Joe Pesci was forced to shoot him. First in the foot and
later it was a fatal body shot, and there was no Jell-o involved, in
case you were wondering.
Track score: 2.75/5
"C'mon Girl"
The intro sounds kind of tame. Sort of like something Paula Cole would
do. Thats a bad thing, by the way. Because its not the late 90s anymore
and even when Paula Cole was popular for 45 seconds, it still wasnt
that cool to sound like her. I must admit, though, that when Where Have
All the Cowboys Gone? comes on while Im at Safeway, I cant help but
dance in the aisles. And sing along with every lyric. Okay, I touch
myself sometimes, but that falls into a whole different category of
shame altogether. This is yet another song that couldve easily missed
the final cut. If they had actually held one of those instead of just
putting every single song they recorded on the album. I know, I
knowthey said they recorded like 80 songs and narrowed it down to the
final number or whatever, but every band says that. Dont believe the
hype, Flava.
"Wet Sand"
Oh, oh. I think Im a sucker for this one even though its a bit sappy.
Its perfect background music for making out or a good song to listen to
while youre looking for something else to listen to on iTunes. The
middle part of the song is my favorite. First Anthony Keadis flawlessly
switches the vocals to what sounds almost like another character in a
movie and then there is a nice little instrumental part before there is
more of the same by Anthony along with some trippy guitar noises made
by none other than John Frusciante. This is one of the better songs for
sure. It gets really nice at the end. Just on the verge of being epic.
Anthony screams a little bit right before Frusciante goes off into
Electric Ladyland once more and does an amazing job of it. I really
enjoy this song, so its hard to make fun of it. Sorry, Derrick. Its
hard to be consistently funny when youre talking about your first love
and music is just that for me. Some would argue that its hard for me to
be funny at any time, but thats not very nice of them. Thanks, Mom.
Track score: 4.5/5
"Hey"
This was a good way to end the first disc, because its actually a good
song and not one of those crappy ones from earlier. Frusciante gets all
Steely Dan after the first verse. I want to applaud but I think Ill
give him some Jazz snaps instead. Larry Carlton would be proud. I find
it strange that the whole album seems to center around Frusciantes
stellar guitar work. Rick Rubin definitely gets props for that, but at
times its strange because the familiar sound of Fleas basslines is
almost an afterthought and Chad Smiths drumming is so mellow that you
almost forget its there sometimes. But hey, they didnt make a
completely horrible album. Some of the songs surely shouldve been left
on the cutting room floor, though. How fitting that Frusciante shines
on another beautiful solo right before the end of the first disc.
Jupiter was pretty nice. It couldve been better, but I had a good time
overall. Ill see you in a few days on Mars.
This album is perfect for the following things:
*Getting the funk out without having to listen to Extreme
*Eating a banana
*Burning incense
*Doing the moonwalk
*Sunday mornings
*Hippies
*Fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers
*Fans of Keanu Reeves, or more specifically, the cinematic masterpiece known as Point Break
*Californicating with yourself
*Driving to Jupiter in a monkey green rag top Seville.
*Doing a reverse fakey upside down 860 on a totally tricked out
skateboard made out of pumpkin seeds and the hair of Jonathan Brandis
*Invading Canadia
*Watching Emeril Live with the sound off
*Poking air holes in your bodybag
*Playing naked solitaire
*Making out on a space shuttle
*the closing credits to V: the Final Battle
*George Clinton
*Bill Clinton
*Clinton Portis
*For when youre about to sleep
*Insomniacs
*Dave Attell
*Feeding the bearded lady a hot dog aka making love.
Album score: 3.5 out of 5
Favorite part of the album: Skin-flute solo by the ghost of Hillel
Slovak with Ethel Merman and background vocals on the hidden track. I
thought it was kind of odd that the hidden track was at the very
beginning of the album. Usually they save that stuff til the end. Oops.
I forgot to mention that you can only hear it on the cassette version.
Least favorite part of the album: When Anthony Keadis goes Sippa doppa
dippa frabba skeeba shoo. If you want to know which particular time he
did that that bothers me, Im sorry, but that would take forever to
decipher. I also hated the part when Flea jumped around in a circle for
3 minutes. I mean the guys gotta be in his 40s by now. No, I couldnt
actually see him doing this while listening to it on my iTunes, but I
know he did this at least 4 times during the recording of disc one
alone.
Recommended?: Like Ive said before, Im a music snob and I have high
standards, so I cant completely recommend it, but obviously if youre a
fan of RHCP, you already have it and if you like some of their songs,
Id definitely recommend picking it up used some time.
Coming soon: Stadium Arcadium Disc 2: "Mars"..
DamnCrackers©2006