I was out looking at ancient ruins today and I started to think of George Burns.  Well, I actually started thinking about God.  Allah.  Alanis Morrisette, Lemmy.  Whatever you call 'em, bro.

PLUS

EQUALS

I think of God whenever I'm out looking at ancient ruins, so I think about God about once every 7 years or so.  Unless there's a Rush song on the radio.  Then I'm usually thinking about how funny lookin' Geddy Lee is and how much of a badass Neil Peart is.  Sometimes I think of Tom Sawyer, as well, which makes me think of Huckleberry Finn even though I don't know if it really has anything to do with Tom Sawyer.  Now I'm thinking about Where the Red Fern Grows, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, I haven't read the Bible for a long time, so my information is not very complete, but what I can tell you is that I'm pretty sure Jesus was black.  He was a descendent of Egyptians I think and back in the day, (when he was young, he's not a kid anymore) Egyptians were "Black like the side of the moon you can't see", as Mos Def might put it.  I mean sure, the Bangles were descendents of Egypt as well, but they're still alive.  Jesus' ancestors were there at least a couple hundred years ago.  I'm pretty sure it was at least that long ago

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So I started developing a theory based on my minimal knowledge, which is always fun.  God is obviously a giant man--not like Pavarotti....more like Gheorghe Muresan, but way taller--with a huge beard.  Actually, I forgot to mention that he's a giant white guy in the sky.  Did I mention that he's in the sky?  That's important.  The white part.  Not the sky part.  Although I must note that the wonderful Alan Parsons Project hit "Eye in the Sky" is most likely about the man upstairs.  No not that guy upstairs in your house right now....oh, nevermind.

Muresan, moments before eating the unsuspecting player to his left.  Flagrant foul indeed.

Anyway, I gots ta thinkin', and I came up with the conclusion that since God is white and Jesus is....not, that he was adopted.  It's not really that hard to wrap your head around.  Especially if you're Inspector Gadget or Navin Johnson and have magical neck skills.  It shouldn't blow you away too much, angry Johnny.  Just think of it as a really long episode of Diff'rent Strokes with Conrad "Mr. Drummond" Bain playing the part of God and "Governor" Gary Coleman playing the part of his adopted son, Jesus.  Picture Todd Bridges as whatever you want, but I'm leaving him out of my portrait.  I think Dana Plato might have been Mary Magdalene though, but I haven't figured out all the details.  Oh, and if it makes you feel better, you can picture Jesus as Emmanuelle "Webster" Lewis, but only if you're ready to accept Jesus as your lord and saviour, because God, or Alex Karras in this case, only knows that you can't help but fall in love with that little 50 year-old tike.

Emmanuel Lewis....Older than most My Space users Dads.

One thing I always forget though is why people call Jesus "God" sometimes.  I thought he was his son.  But I started thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that when God got to be like a couple hundred years old, the daily grind got to be a little much, and idiots like Jerry Fallwell kept bothering him with stupid questions all the time, so he retired and handed over the keys to the little red corvette in the sky. 

Remember, if you keep making fun of dude now, he might go back to this look.  I don't think any of us wants that.

The great "Prince" in this case, would be one of two men, and it would be settled in any way that God wanted it to go down and we all know how much of a Wrasslin' fan he is, so he decided that Jesus and Little Nicky would compete in a 2 out of 3 falls cage match.  Harvey Keitel was banned from ringside. 

In the first fall, Little Nicky caught Jesus off guard and scored a pinfall victory with a belly to back suplex (with a bridge) while Jesus was arguing with the ref, who accused Jesus of cheating, which is unfair, because he was only using his God-given abilities.  No pun intended.

Jesus, thank Dad, won the next two falls easily to achieve the Universal Heavyweight Championship of the World and the rest, is (arguably) history.

I then began to ponder our great X infinity Grandparents, Adam and Eve.  If I remember, Adam was a very handsome man.  I believe he looked a little bit like Christian Bale, but way hotter.  And I got to thinking again.  I thought about Eve and how smokin' that dame was and I remembered that Adam let her borrow a rib that one time and I figured that the reason there are so many hot chicks out there is that they all have a part of us in them.  It only makes sense.  Ironically though, Eve makes a great rack of ribs.  She has this sauce that is just to die for.  Ask Abel if you don't believe me.  "What about all the ugly girls out there?", you may be asking me, but I can't hear you because I'm on the computer and you're most likely not anywhere near where I am, but I'll answer you anyway.  All ugly chicks are from the South.  Way down there. 

So since Adam was such a hottie and Eve became the same after an Extreme Makeover: Eden Edition, it finally makes sense to me why so many white people are good looking.  And since there are so many good looking Black people, Jesus must've had a craving for vanilla back in the day.  But black people must've already been damn handsome, like maybe even more so than Billy Dee Williams, because all the half black-half white people I know are damn sexy.

To end this, I want to ask all of you a favor, since we're obviously all brothers, as well as brothas. 

I simply ask you that the next time you're watching Highway to Heaven, Diff'rent Strokes, Webster, Oh, God!, Touched by an Angel, Dogma or Airheads, say a little prayer.  And the next time you watch the video for Madonna's "Like a Prayer", bring some tissue with you.  You'll need it during the video and also after the video when you begin to weep from all the guilt.  Just make sure you don't use the same tissue that you were using during the video.

That would just be wrong.