Oprah Raises Minimum Wage to $13/hr!
I tuned into Oprah for 3 or 4 minutes on Friday, and they were having a show about people trying to survive on minimum wage.
This one lady was crying about trying to survive on $1490 a
month. Her rent was $825, Utilities $80, Cell Phone $50,
Miscellaneous $135 and her food was $400 a month. $400? I
think it was her and her teenage daughter living in the apartment, and
the food expenses are $200 a person? Have you ever heard of going
to the grocery store and buying practically? Have you ever heard
of Costco? How about living within, or below your means?
She gets paid more than me, and I'm supposed to feel sorry for her
because she chooses to live in Chicago and her rent is more than
mine? I'm supposed to feel sorry for her because she overspends
on food? Fuck that shit. And since when does "minimum wage"
get you $1500 a month in pay? Sign me up for that minimum wage.
I watched Sports Center that night, and the new black guy whose name
escapes me right now, was doing a story about the Duke Lacrosse rape
scandal. Immediately after he wrapped, Mrs. Ronnie James Lipton
informed me that Steve Levy responded with quite possibly the most
insincere segway in history. I missed it, so I decided to go back
in time, but Huey Lewis was not in any way involved. Just my Tivo.
My ol' lady was right on top of things. No sexual jokes
please. That's apparently the new job of Sports Center
anchors. So let me set the scene for you: The black guy
just gets through mentioning the slimy details about the alleged rape,
and immediately following this, Steve Levy says, and I quote word for
word: "Two guys who definitely know how to score, hookin' up in Boston
on Friday night....."
Do I really need to add any more to that?
In comedy cartoon news: Just in case you're keeping score, that would be South Park: infinity, Family Guy: zero.
A message for the kind people at Publishers Clearing House:
Everytime I receive an e-mail or regular mail from you guys, there's a
note attached saying something like "We'd love to see you place an
order this time!", or "An order would really be
appreciated.....!" Okay, here's the deal...... If buying
something does increase my chances of winning your sweepstakes, just
tell me. That's perfectly fine. Just. Tell.
Me. But if it doesn't improve my chances in any way, I don't want
to keep hearing about it. I keep waiting to get a large manila
envelope with a midget stalker inside there saying "You gonna make an
order this time Mister?"
So when I'm not changing the world with my daily musings, I work in
room service at a hotel. Whenever someone does something
obnoxious like order a Corona with a side of lemons, that's right,
lemons, not limes, they always put an emphasis on the word "lemon", as
if they're doing some apocalyptic thing by not ordering it with
limes. People just take themselves too seriously man. I
wish I could say this: "You're not that important dude.. The fact that
you're ordering a Corona with a lemon at all makes you a certified tool
and cancels out any significance you may have had as a human being up
to and beyond this point. Please make sure you sign the check
before you kill yourself."
If every time one of your closers (Huston Street in today's case) gives
up 4 runs in two-third's of an inning, a little piece of you dies, you
are a true fantasy baseball fanatic, and quite possibly an
addict. The only cure is either getting more teams, or quitting
altogether, but I'm not sure which one. Good luck with that.
By: Jon Medina