G'day, mates.  Last Friday, my cable and internet were out, so I decided to take an impromptu trip to Australia.  Well....the Outback Steakhouse.  Pretty much the same thing.

The wife and I packed up our things (cell phones and cd's) and jumped into my g-ride (Kia Rio) and headed over to the Outback. 

As we stepped in, we were greeted semi-enthusiastically by a young sheila who led us to the nearest Jeep.  (booth)

A young bloke who had more zits than Gene Snitsky's back, would be our tour guide (waiter/server) for the day.  He made less eye contact than a virgin at a strip club.  He presented us with our maps (menus) and was on his way.  He seemed a little nervous.  He smiled more awkwardly than a necrophiliac at a funeral.

Snitsky smells something funny.

After viewing all the fine young animals around the surrounding area, we ordered an appetizer as I viewed a footy match on the bar idiot box.  Our choice was the Coconut Shrimp, one of Australia's most popular foods, apparently.  I was staying true to the game, so I ordered a Coca Cola to go along with it.

The coconut shrimp arrived nice and hot.  Actually, too hot.  I don't know what it is, but every time I've ever eaten coconut shrimp, it always has an internal temperature of no less than 375 degrees.  Crikey!  The accompanying sauce was very exotic.  I'm not sure what it was, but I imagined it as crocodile urine and enjoyed every scrumptious morsel.  Put another shrimp on the barbie, mate! 

When our tour guide returned, we ordered our entrees.  I won't bother you with the specifics, but I ordered our meals while speaking Australian.  The tour guide was mighty impressed, I tell ya.  My wife said he was confused, but what does she know?  I've been to the Outback way more often than she has.

A few minutes later, another tour guide came bearing two massive steaks as big as the continent itself.  They were a couple of beauts!  Did I mention that while we ate we had about six different tour guides come to our Jeep?  Fucking weird.  It was a busy day in the Outback.  There must've been a naked Aborigine sighting or something.  Did I also mention that when the tour guide walked by our table before presenting our wild game to us, I inquired about my medium rare prime rib by asking him "Where's my bloody steak?"  He was not amused.  Neither was the wife.  I remember thinking as the massive hunk of game arrived at the table, "I'm going to have to bushwalk this off later tonight."

I'm beginning to tire of prime rib.  It used to be my favorite, but I'm starting to think that it's a tad bit overrated.  Wifey had a good looking filet, though.  I should order one of those next time.  Bugger! 

Halfway through our meal, the original tour guide dropped by the Jeep to ask how are deadly meal was going.  "Is everything ok?", he asked.  I remembered my favorite foreign film of all time, Crocodile Dundee II (Why did they use Roman numerals?  Don't the Australian's have their own fucking number system?) and replied with "Nah....needs garlic."  Then I got bit by a snake.

I was trying to be as healthy as I possibly could, so I ordered broccoli with my meal and didn't even finish my portion.  It was a little big and a little boring.  I think I'm getting that filet next time.  It looked so bonzer!  I also had to decline on dessert, although the emu pie with kangaroo milk was quite tempting.

I had an enjoyable visit to the deep south, although the food wasn't as good as it usually is there.  But no wuckin' furries, mate.  We'll be back for sure.  You'll always be my favorite restaurant that serves authentic Australian cuisine.  Food rating:  3.5 out of 5 boomerangs.

I ended the fine evening by watching an Australian movie with my bride.  Boomerang, starring the great Aussie actor, Eddie Murphy.  Movie rating:  2 out of 5 boomerangs.

Just for fun, here's my top 19 Australian actors of all time:

1.  Anthony LaPaglia
2.  Guy Pearce
3.  Luis Guzman
4.  Kangaroo Jack
5.  Paul Hogan

Worst.James Bond.Ever.
6.  Russell Crowe
7.  Anthony Anderson
8.  Hugh Jackman
9.  Eric Bana
10.  Jerry O'Connell
11.  Eddie Murphy
12.  Steve Irwin

13.  Mel Gibson
14.  Nicole Kidman
15.  Geoffery Rush
16.  The evil latino guy from Crocodile Dundee II who looked kind of like ex-WWF star Rick "the Model" Martel

17.  Roc

18.  Carl Winslow

19.  Heath Ledger