"Heeeere's Eddie!"
Band:
"Heeeere's Eddie!"
Bass: the guy who always wears basketball jerseys and headbands aka Jeff Ament
"Crabs! Killer crabs! Everywhere, I tell ya!"
Guitar: the guy from Brad aka Stone Gossard
Everyone likes
to show off a little bit, but this whole sleep-shredding thing is just a little
too cocky for me. Blow it out your ass, Stone.
Guitar: the guy from Mad Season aka Mike McCready aka one of the most underrated guitarists of all time
Okay, already. For fuck's sake we get it. You can play while
sleeping. Hoo-fucking-ray for you. I can't even play a chord,
jerkface.
Guitar/Vocals:
the guy with the dirty hair aka the guy from Citizen Dick aka the guy
from
Drums/Percussion: the guy from Soundgarden aka Matt Cameron aka the guy that Kennedy used to talk about every night on Alternative Nation
Matt is so good, he rocks his own pants off.
Name of Album: I guess its just self-titled or Pearl Jam or I Can't Believe You Stole Half of my Avocado & Left Me the Part With the Seed, You Selfish Fuck
Record Label: J Records aka the most boring name for a record label ever aka the record company started by Clive Davis aka the guy who once thought that O-Town was going places
The boys, oh, pardon me boyz of O-Town discover
light.
Album Cover:
An avocado. Seriously. That's fucking it. Pretty lame, huh?
Liner Notes:
The band made up or drawn or whatever to look like zombies, the lyrics
and some funny smelling recycled paper that all those jam band loving hippies
will definitely approve of.
Track One:
Life Wasted
This song rocks.
Very rhythmic. It takes me back
to the time when I was a child and tried to tip a cow but tipped a fat guy
instead, because I grew up in
Hubba hubba
Track score:
4.5 out of 5
Track Two:
World Wide Suicide
This is one of those songs that when you first
hear it, you say to yourself "oh great, Im going to have to wait until someone
sells this, so I can buy it used, because it sure is boring, Steve", but only if
you were talking to a guy named Steve.
But then you go to the store and the album has an avocado on it and it
has cardboard packaging, so for a second you think, "hey, you know what? Ive gotta have that shit!" But it turns out to be a good thing, because
by the 6th time youve heard this looney tune, you realize its hot
shit and is also nearly flawless as a whole and contains amazing harmony and a
memorable chorus. It's got all the
elements of a great song and in hindsight, was an excellent choice for single
number 1, even if your dumb ass didn't realize it at the
time.
Track score:
4.5 out of 5
Track Three:
Comatose
Sorry, I fell asleep during this one. For 73 days. I have some serious Tivo watching to catch up on. Microsoft Word just spellchecked me on "Tivo". How much more popular does that word have to get before it's accepted by that communist Bill Gates? I guess that jackass still has a VCR. Oh, by the way, I cant wait to catch up on all my Sopranos episodes. What Im looking forward to the most is seeing my favorite character Vito. Vito on Tivo. It's going to be fun watching him for the next couple seasons.... I still haven't watched the finale of the most recent Amazing Race yet, at least I don't think I have yet. All I know is that if those hippies win, I will be so excited that I will put myself into a coma for 73 days.
Track Score:
4 out of 5
Track Four:
Severed Hand
Whoever put this song on the album has a severed
ear.
Boooooring!
Track score:
3 out of 5
Track Five:
Marker in the Sand
Dont ask me why, but this song reminds me of Journey's "Faithfully", which is the first song I ever made out to. Unfortunately, this happened when I bought Journey's greatest hits album on my 28th birthday, and my boss bought a hooker for me, who was nice enough to let me finish masturbating and weeping before giving me my first real kiss. She even handed me a towel before she walked away laughing hysterically. It was a cool move for my boss to get me an escort for my birthday, but it was not very classy to make me pay for it and to give her pimp my address when I couldn't afford to do so. I barely recovered by my 29th birthday, though, when I got my second kiss and a little more if you know what Im saying. And what a handjob it was, though I cant really compare it to any other handjobs, so it may have sucked, but she sure didn't. I must say that I had a good time, though. Oh, and I'm tired of trying to explain matters, but no, I did not know that she was 17 and I also had no idea that she was a dude. Love is blind, my friends, and so should be handjobs from strangers, no matter how broad their shoulders are.
Track Score:
3.5 out of 5
Track Six:
Parachutes
This is a slow jam for all the ladies. It's a lovely lullaby. This is like poetry, but without the long cigarettes and the berets and set to a full band of music instead of just bongos. Someone said that they thought all the songs on this album sounded the same, which I don't completely agree with, but if any song sounds distinctly out of place, it's this one. It sounds like a completely different band and it kind of blows. And Belinda Carlisle sings lead vocals on it. I dont know why either, but I would've surely got Suzanna Hoffs instead. But only if I could get my 3rd kiss from her after the studio session. Man, would I like to Bangle her.
"Come to
Butthead"
Track score:
2.5 out of 5
Track Seven:
Unemployable
This is the song that makes you want to go do something. Not because it's really powerful or inspirational, but because it's just background noise. It's not bad enough to skip through, but it's perfect to clean the house to or play Connect Four to or eat a bowl of jello to. I heard Rosie O'Donnel likes to bite her toenails while listening to this song. Talk about a dynamite celebrity endorsement!
And here you thought that Blues Brothers 2000 was the low
point of Dan Aykroyd's career.
Track score:
3 out of 5
Track Eight:
Big Wave
This song doesn't just sound like every song on
the album, but it sounds like every song that Pearl Jam has ever performed. I dont know if this is possible, but it's
true. You can mark my words on this
one. I'm a doctor of Jamanomics. He even says something about Jeremy in it and
then starts shaking his head like a madman and screaming incoherently. Dont ask me how I can see all of this when
just listening to the cd, but I can, asshole.
How dare you doubt me. Who do you
think you are, Regis Philbin? What does
he have to do with this, you ask? If I
have to justify that with an answer, then you're not even worth arguing
with. All I can tell you for certain, is
that if you listen to this song while watching Stuart Scott throw a football to
himself, you will either go blind or your head will explode. Luckily, I was listening to the song before
this one when he was doing that shit. I
dodged that cross-eyed bullet.
Boo-ya!
Track score:
3.5 out of 5
Track Nine:
Gone
This song is about politics and maybe the
President or something. I don't know of
what country, but it's definitely about some countries president. Sounds like a pretty fucked up place he's
talking about. Makes me even prouder to
live in the good ol U.S. of A. I don't
want to live in this crazy far off land where "the gas in my tank feels like
money in the bank." I'll stay right
here, thank you very much. Ill keep my
feet planted where every decision I make is my own and the government will not
interfere with every single thing I want to do or say or listen to or
whatever. You commie bastards don't know
what you're missin'. Have fun
in Stupidland, you freaks.
Track score:
4 out of 5
Track Ten:
Wasted Reprise
Eddie: You
guys want 12 or 13 tracks on this album?
Matt: Who
gives a fuck?
Eddie:
Well, I sorta do, Mateo
Matt: I
told you to stop calling me that, Eduardo
Eddie: But
I like it when you call me
Eduardo.
Jeff: I
think we should do 13
Matt: Who
the fuck asked you?
Stone:
Yeah, seriously
Jeff: I
thought he was asking all of us?
Mike:
Yeah, but nobody likes you.
Jeff:
Sorry
Mike: Just
shut up and let us decide.
Stone:
What's the deal with the headband anyway?
Eddie: Are
you going to the disco later?
Matt: 13
is a better number I
guess....
Stone: I
like 13
Mike: I
can deal with 13, bro
Eddie:
Well, we only recorded 12 tracks, so Im going to take track one and sing
one line from it, but I'll sing it a little bit differently this time, and we'll
trick people into thinking it's an extra track that we actually worked
on.
Matt:
That's fucking stupid
Stone:
Yeah. So fucking stupid. So fucking stupid that it might just
work!
Mike:
Let's do it.
Eddie:
Lucky number 13, bitches
Jeff: I
said 13, too
Band: Shut
the fuck up, Jeff!!!
Track score:
2 out of 5
Track Eleven:
Army Reserve
This is their U2 song. It seems like every band has a song that is
heavily influenced by U2 these days and Pearl Jam is no exception. Most bands suck at being U2, but this song is
pretty fucking good. I really like it,
but Eddie is no Bono. Eddie would never
wear sunglasses indoors. Eddie would
never wear a sports coat. Jeff Ament
wears beanies sometimes, so I guess he can play Edge, but Edge is not a
magnificent tool, so scratch that. Who
really cares about the rest of the guys?
Can anyone tell the difference between Larry Mullen and Adam
Clayton? Besides the fact that theyre
both the most boring members of U2?
They barely even talk. Theyre
like the two black guys who play horns and dance in No Doubt. Except that they actually contribute to the
band. Oh Snap! Thats right, I said it. Sue me.
You better sue me. Youre not
making any money getting .000001 percent of all No Doubt royalties. My musical career is more successful than
yours and I don't even have one. Sorry,
black guys from No Doubt. Sorry. Oh shit.
I think Stone Gossard just fucked Naomi Campbell. I hope he was wearing a condom or using Jeff
Aments dick. Both are 99 percent proven
to be unsexy.
Track score:
4.5 out of 5
Track Twelve:
Come Back
This is the song where they try and prove that
they can do a song like "Last Kiss" without just continuing to cover "Last
Kiss", which would make a whole of a lot more fucking sense. That being said, it's a pretty decent song,
but their cover of "Last Kiss" was better.
Expect to not hear this at the next Pearl Jam concert. What a waste of recording time. Not because it sucks, but because its highly
unnecessary.
Track score:
3.5 out of 5
Track Thirteen:
Inside Job
This is the last song on the album. I thought it would be a lot more political,
but the lyrics are pretty basic. They
should've made it more controversial.
This album is really good. It's
just not one of those landmark albums that will blow you away, but it's really
good and there are 3 or 4 songs that will definitely be favorites from the band,
for me personally, for years to come.
Unfortunately, when you love a band this much, you have higher
expectations, and although they came through with an excellent release, they
didn't blow me out of the water, which is what I look for from bands that I
follow for this long. I'm not saying
it's fair or unfair, it just is what it is.
But here's another good song on a good album. Next time I want you to make Sgt.
Peppers. Is that too much to ask,
you slackers? I don't think so. Get on it already.
Track score:
3.5 out of 5
This album is perfect for:
Hating the President
Overthrowing the government
Driving to
Making pudding
Petting your kitty
Fans of
Hippies
Cameron Crowe
Background music while having a conversation about
life and shit
Cleaning the House
Taking a nap
Pretending that your life is more meaningful than
it is
Hoping without smiling
Fans of good rock n' roll
music
Classic rock fans
Bob Dylan
Bruce Springsteen
Driving home after work
Shaving your eyebrows
Flossing
"Running mad game as if your name was Scott
Skiles"
Album score:
3.75 out of 5
Favorite part of the album: The saxophone solo by Don Knotts on track
17.
Least favorite part of the album: Track 10
Recommended?:
If you're a music snob, this might not be enough for you, because like
me, you may be searching for the holy grail, but it's definitely worth buying
used, on sale, or purchasing a couple tracks off of iTunes. And
if youre a diehard Pearl Jam fan like myself, you should most certainly own it
by now.