pointbreak

I've seen a lot of epic showdowns in my lifetime:

Ali vs. Frazier
Carolina vs. Duke
Kurt vs. Axl
Bird vs. Magic
Cowboys vs. Redskins
Mike Tyson vs. his inner demons
the Beatles vs. Jesus
Tiger vs. Mickelson (oh, shit. nevermind. that only lasted like 3 weeks. And Tiger is actually consistently awesome.)

All that and he got the girl, too, Phil. Ouch.

But last night, another rivalry for the ages was thrust upon us, and I was priveleged enough to see it first hand:

POINT BREAK VS. ROADHOUSE

Laugh if you must, but conduct your own experiment with these two shitty masterpieces, and your mind will be blown before you can say "whoa", Keanu.

The loud old guy in our department was off today, which sent the mighty K.C. into the best mood I've ever seen him in. Almost immediately, he came up with the brilliant plan to ask every employee who walked by which was the "Best Horrible Movie" of all-time, Roadhouse, or Point Break.

I believe the oddsmakers favored Point Break by about 1 1/2 points a week ago, but by the time this match for the ages was to take place, the spread was even money with the over/under for nostalgia at -10 years.

At first, I thought it would just be a fun little game to play while killing time in between actual work, but as the evening progressed, I saw the historical beauty unfolding right before my eyes.

Within moments, everyone was weighing in with their picks. And they weren't just voting. These people were struggling to come up with a winner. They had to think long and hard. Some had to walk away momentarily to gather their thoughts. Others winced as they painfully forced out a choice. A couple of people even felt guilty having to pick from such two spectacularly bad films, as if each director was standing by waiting for the results with bated breath. (They weren't, just in case you were wondering.)

K.C. and I thought of which horrible lines were the worst, or best, I guess, in this case. We had both already made our choices (he with Road House and I with Point Break) but it was still important to continue with the debate throughout most of the evening. I pointed towards Keanu and such crapulous lines as "I am an F.B.I. agent!" K.C. masterfully countered with the famous line which followed a crushing blow to the testacles. "Hurts, doesn't it?"

Mark from the kitchen dropped by and I was astonished that he had not voted yet, as we had almost 10 votes by this point, and Mark loves to talk about great/ridiculous stuff like this. We explained to him the criteria (basically, it's which movie would you rather watch based on how horrible, yet delicious it is?) and a perplexed Mark took careful thought for a few moments, before making his choice: "I'm going to have to go withRoad House", Mark said, "You see Road House is like Count Chocula cereal: You're not really sure you want to eat it, and you sure as hell don't want anyone to know about it, but when you eat it, it's delicious and you remember exactly why you're eating it, even if you must eat it in the dark." Pre-fucking-cisely, Mark! Pre-fucking-cisely.

At one point, I asked K.C. what the winner, or winning voter would get. (I'm not sure if the actual movie could win anything. I mean they were both already snubbed by the Oscars...) K.C. wasn't sure, but a few minutes later, I came to him with my conclusion: "The fact that 2 movies that are this horribly precious exist, makes us all winners." "Amen", said K.C. Okay, so he didn't really say "amen". I think he nodded his head or something.

Yet another dude from the kitchen, Josh dropped by to add his two cents: "They both suck, but Road House is better because it has boobies."

Joe from the kitchen picked Road House at first and proceeded to keep trying to add votes to it, which was immediately thwarted by K.C. and I, as we were taking this poll (which ended up becoming more of a social psychological experiment through the course of the night) mighty seriously. Turns out he also didn't understand the criteria, and had voted for simply the worst movie, in his opinion, so after we explained it to him in more detail, he changed his vote to Point Break, and proceeded to try to add more votes to it, which was instantly thwarted by K.C. and myself.

Rebecca from banquets thought long and hard, before a bombastic pick/explanation. She said that she hates Keanu Reeves so much that it makes her want to watch Point Break because he is almost as tragically delicious as the film itself. Wow.

By the end of the evening, we had received 23 votes (!) in all and it was one of the most intense elections I have ever witnessed firsthand. It may be the first election I've ever witnessed firsthand, but that doesn't take away from the gorgeous gridlock that occured. It was literally back and forth the entire night. I believe the largest lead of the night was merely 2 votes.

Believe it or not, by the time Calvin arrived for his late night shift, the phenomenal showdown was knotted at 11 votes apiece. Mr. Paradise was to be the tiebreaker. The gamebreaker. The heartbreaker. Whenever a competition is this tight, part of you hungers for a final decision, but part of you also never wants to see it end. But Calvin did just that. In one of the fastest votes of the evening, Calvin brought an anti-climactic, yet abrupt end to the festivities, with a deciding vote for Road House. I was shocked. I honestly thought that Point Break would run away with this.

final score:
ROAD HOUSE 12
POINT BREAK 11

But I've decided to take things a step further here. I'm going to ask you to pick your favorite. Remember, this is the movie you'd rather watch because of how awful, yet sensational it is. Don't vote just to vote. Only vote if you understand the significance of these cinematic achievements. If you haven't seen the movies, I want to know what country you're from, because if you haven't seen this double shot of radness, you're not an American, in my opinion.

Before you pick, I will help you with a little Tale of the Tape that I've put together, which I'm using to show you why I think that Point Break is the best horrible movie of all-time, but which you should be able to use as a tool to assist you if you are having a hard time making a decision on this monumental subject.

POINT BREAK VS. ROAD HOUSE
*TALE OF THE TAPE*

TITLE:
Road House: Doesn't really tell you much. I mean it tells you something, but it's just basic information. Nothing flashy.
Point Break: You see this is wonderful. It has multiple meanings. First the surfing thing. The point where the wave breaks can be a dangerous place. But then the movie is full of breaking points, and you see what they did there? They flipped the script on you. They changed the breaking point into the point of the break, hence, Point Break. You're welcome.
Edge: Point Break

DIRECTOR:
Road House: Rowdy Herrington
Point Break: Kathryn Bigelow
Hmm.... Chilling coincidence. Both directors have names that have part of a wrestler's name in them. Since I know nothing about their bodies of work, I will pick based on the information I do know: Rowdy Herrington=Rowdy Roddy Piper. Kathryn Bigelow=Bam Bam Bigelow. Rowdy has had a better career, and he is also fighting cancer right now, so it would be a dick move to pick against him.
Edge: Kathryn Bigelow! (Point Break)

STAR:
Road House: Patrick Swayze '89
Point Break: Swayze '91
Although in recent years, Swayze's career has plummeted stunningly, he seemed to be a seasoned vet circa: 1991. He was a more interesting Swayze. He was still getting decent jobs and making decent decisions. And he played a surfer in Point Break. Substantially cooler.
Edge: Point Break

CO-STAR:
Road House: Kelly Lynch. Booooring. Who wants a chick to get second billing when you can have another dude?
Point Break: Keanu Reeves. Fuck the Matrix. This was his tour de force. His pinnacle. His apex. His best fucking performance ever. To quote Mr. Reeves, "Why can't I ever say what I mean....?"
Edge: Keanu (Point Break)

SUPPORTING OLD GUY/ACTOR:
Road House: Sam Elliott
Point Break: Gary Busey

Okay, let me just set the record straight, here. Gary Busey was the glue that kept Point Break together. He was the missing link. Without him there is no Point Break. He has that thing. He has "it". I don't think even he knows what it is. He just brings the Busey-ness to the table and never disappoints. But he's up against Sam Elliott here. One of the unsung heroes of American cinema. I fucking love that guy. I love his moustache. His voice. His presence. And he was in the Big Lebowski which always gains you extra points. If it were anybody else, Busey would win in a landslide.
Edge: Sam Elliott (Road House)

SETTING:
Road House: Primarily the Double Deuce (a bar/nightclub)
Point Break: Primarily the beach.
I'm from Hawaii, so the beach and surfing isn't exactly that riveting to me, since I grew up seeing that shit every day.
Edge: Road House

MAIN SQUEEZE:
Road House: Kelly Lynch
Point Break: Lori Petty
Neither of these ladies went on to set the world on fire, but I remember the industry trying to shove the supremely untalented Petty down my throat for years, even though she consistently underachieved. I do admit I had a bit of a crush on her for a couple of minutes back in the early 90's, but we all learn from our mistakes.
Edge: Lynch (Road House)

HALL OF FAME WRESTLER CAMEO:
Road House: Terry Funk
Point Break: N/A
Edge: Road House

BIT PARTS BY FUTURE HOLLYWOOD STALWARTS:
Road House: Keith David, who would end up showing up in many excellent shows and films such as There's Something About Mary, Requiem For a Dream and Crash, among others.
Point Break: John C. McGinley, who is one of the best parts of an outstanding show called Scrubs, which is easily one of the best sitcoms of the last 20 years and Tom Sizemore, who although he seems to constantly fuck up in his personal life, continues to get work in some fine pieces of art (and sure, a few stinkers, also) and has made a pretty good career for himself.
Edge: Point Break (Keith David is just slightly creepier than Sizemore, but McGinley is the true diamond in the rough.)

ROCK STAR CAMEOS:
Road House: John Doe of L.A. punk rock heroes X and Jeff Healy, that blind guy with the mullet who had a couple of marginal hits that I have never been able to remember.
Point Break: Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
C'mon, now. How can you beat Kiedis as a "surf punk"? Keanu: "I guess this is the part where you tell me to get off your beach, right?" Surf punks: "No, that would be too easy...." "Yeah. We're just gonna kick your ass!" Ah.....some lines are just too timeless to ignore.....
Edge: Point Break

MOST ABSURD CHARACTER NAMES:
Road House: They kept it simple. The wierdest name I could come up with, "Mountain", is not really that weird at all.
Point Break: There are so many to choose from, such as Johnny Utah himself, Psycho-Stick, Roach and Surf Rat, but none can beat Michael Kopelow's character, who is honestly billed as "Passion for Slashin'".
The fact that Point Break has such awful names for their characters would make you think that Road House is the "winner" here, but in my world, that's what makes Point Break so sensationally disgusting. They gave a giant middle finger to art and instead chose to entertain your ass.
Edge: Point Break

Final tally:
Point Break 7, Road House 4
EDGE: POINT BREAK!

Wow. That took a lot out of me. What an emotionally draining experiment. I might have to retire after this one.

So what do you think? Which movie is more awesomely horrible or horribly awesome? On a Sunday afternoon, nothings on, and both of these movies come on at the same time. Which one are you watching? Please vote honestly. The state of our world depends on it. Thank you.

P.S.
I don't think I'll be doing a John Lennon tribute blog today, because I'm not in the state of mind where I think I can do it justice at this point, so I'll leave it up to the pros. I'm sure Tim's piece will be magnificent. Stay tuned to his blog today as I'm sure he'll be linking to all the other awesome people who will be involved in this heartfelt project. We still miss you, John. Thank you for all the beauty you brought into my life. I will never forget that.