"Christ Illusion": Slayer album review (w/video bonus)
By: Jon Medina
Good Sunday morning to you, boys and girls.
I know Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, but I must throw a bit of a monkeywrench into the grand scheme (or grand illusion, as it may be) for a portion of the day, so I apologize to those of you whose days I'm complicating, but I've been bumping that new Slayer joint, kid, and I must say, it is quite the shoogie woogie, or whatever you cracker jack teens are calling it these days, see. Plus, you guys were the ones that voted for it. Well....most of you, so you're stuck with the results. Buckle up.
It is now time to review it, because I don't want to forget all the wonderful things I've learned while listening to this near-masterpiece, so let's get to it, shall we?
First of all, I want to say that, sure, you may be going to church later today, so you may think that it's illegal, or whatever, to listen to death metal on the day of the Sabbath, or Zeppelin, if you prefer, but think of it this way: If you read this review, and decide to listen to the album or one of the songs later today, imagine how cleansing church will feel when you head over there after brunchfest. (Or beerfest, for all of you closet sinners and/or cinema enthusiasts.)
As you look at the album cover, you will wonder which one of the band member's demonic offsprings colored it before they got kicked out of school. I'm not saying that it's the worst album cover ever, but Jesus looks way too comical, and I'm pretty sure that the "art" was supposed to scare or shock me, and it's doing neither. What did shock me, though, is that the liner notes are printed on recycled paper. At least that's what it feels like. For all I know, it's printed on the flesh of country music fans from all over....Tennessee. I have this image of some crazed Slayer fan going to random houses and taking a piece of skin off the occupants, after looking through their cd collections and not finding any Slayer in there.
"What's this? Megadeth? Close, but no cigar, you pussies."
I have to be in a certain mood to listen to this kind of music, but I love when I listen to pure, no-holds barred metal, because it makes me feel rebellious. I'm feeling so crazy right now. So much so, that I didn't even check to see if I had the correct sides of the earphones before I put them on. For all I know, I could be wearing the right earphone on the left ear! Deal with that, people!
I don't know how I feel about blogging this review. Do you think Slayer would approve of blogging of any kind? I bet you Jeff Hanneman keeps a diary under his bed, the little cream puff.
It's now time for track one. I'm going to do an experiment of not so epic proportions. I'm going to turn the channel on the tv each time a different song comes on. I told you, man. I'm a loose cannon tonight!
"FLESH STORM"
After a few seconds of humming of some sort, the full-throttle thrashing kicks in immediately as do Tom Araya's vocals. Yep, sounds like Slayer, alright. Driving guitars by Jeff and Kerry and some crazy drumming by Dave Lombardo, who is back in the group, thank Satan. Tom still sounds as great as he has since the beginning with that blatantly melodic singing/screaming/roaring combo that he uses almost constantly and doesn't disappoint on the bass either. I'd be lying if I wasn't hoping for a little bit more of the wailing scream that he started the Reign In Blood album with on "Angel of Death". One of my favorite musical moments in history right there.
You'd swear it was the 80's again as a ferocious high pitched guitar solo takes the song over for about 20 seconds. Lovely touch.
I thought Tom said something about dying being just a part of life at some point. I thought that sounded a little too Dr. Phil of him. I checked it out and he actually said that "violence is our way of life". Ah, you've got to admire their enthusiasm.
Great way to start off the album. Though I wouldn't recommend watching Showtime at the Apollo while listening to it. Something about that just doesn't work.
Song score: 4 out of 5
"CATALYST"
The beginning of this song is incredible. It sounds like it was ripped directly from Reign in Blood, which is a great thing in this case, since it's the band that put out Reign in Blood that is doing it. Smart move on their part. Metallica could take some notes from this. I would love for them to start ripping off their old material. But yeah, Satan would be proud. Actually, I don't know if Satan would be proud. I don't know much about the guy, or girl, or animal. Whatever he/it is. Some people would say it's a figment of one's imagination. Some people (like me) would say it's more likely someone like Celine Dion or that little prick kid who keeps kicking the back of your chair on that 5 hour flight. So if I ever had dinner with Tom Araya, I would ask him what Satan is like and he'd probably respond by sticking a cocktail fork up my ass.
Watching SportsCenter while thrashing doesn't exactly work either, but the song does, for the most part.
Track score: 3.5 out of 5
"SKELETON CHRIST"
This is one of those that will make you start bobbing your head from the first second. Honestly, there aren't many songs on here where you won't find yourself doing that, but this stands out as one of the more rhythmic ones so far. I appreciate how it makes your head and body move at different speeds so rapidly. At first it's more of an easy flow, then the drums turn into the hardcore/punk variety and suddenly you're Beavis and Butthead all wrapped up into one giddy metal maniac.
And to top off all that pure, unadulterated joy, Araya screams out "Hail Satan!" at about the 2:30 point. Truly wonderful stuff. This song is so beautiful, it will make you smile, even though you know that the subject of the song is quite angry and/or evil. It doesn't matter. You're here to rock, aren't you? Frankly, I don't really agree with the whole Satan thing. I should more accurately state that it just doesn't have any effect on me, because it's as much a farce as organized religion is. I'm not a Satan worshipper. I'm not religious. I'm a little spiritual, but more than anything else, I just don't really care too much about any of it. I just think everyone should just believe what they believe and not get too fanatical about it. I've always had a feeling that Slayer and other death metal bands are having more fun than they'd like to admit, but we will never really know, because they will continue to claim otherwise until the day they die. All I know for sure is that I've read/seen many interviews with Tom, and he is quite the intelligent and engaging character. I don't know how much of their music is schtick or what, but I admire the guy for simply having the ability to put out great fucking music and rocking my brain.
This is probably the best song yet. I forgot to change the channel. I'll take that as a good sign. This song is epic.
Track score: 4.5 out of 5
"EYES OF THE INSANE"
To be completely straightforward with you, this is a good song, but it doesn't do that much for me overall, so I'm not goingto say too much about it. I believe it's about a soldier in the war who is losing his mind over being involved in the whole fucking mess, which is a good subject, but the song itself just has a boring tempo to it when you compare it to the other ones. That doesn't mean that it sucks, just that it doesn't quite stack up to the rest. It's funny to me how bands will clearly work harder on the lyrics to certain songs, to decent effect, but the rest of the song can suffer because of it. But I like that they chose to talk about the current problems that every other band seems to be talking about nowdays. It's good to hear everyone's point of view.
Track score: 3 out of 5
"JIHAD"
The intro is truly a delight. It is unlike anything you've ever heard from Slayer. I'm pretty sure of that, but I must admit I haven't heard every song of every album from them, but have you heard any other Slayer songs with a mandolin intro? Okay, there is no mandolin here, but it's pretty fucking cool nonetheless.
This is more like it! I'm watching the Craft as Slayer blasts out of my earphones. Sure, the Craft is Hollywood's idea of what "dark culture" is, or what they want people to believe it is, but it's still way fucking cooler than watching Showtime at the Apollo while listening to Slayer. I think they would approve more of this selection.
What's the deal with Fairuza Balk? Sometimes I think she's the hottest girl ever, but I get the feeling she'sa slut, which has never turned me on, but yet there's still something about her that scares me. In a good way. Kind of like certain Slayer songs.
I really like this song, but I hear a lot of people saying it's their favorite on the album, and I don't feel the same way, but it's still pretty fucking good.
Track score: 3.75 out of 5
"CONSFEARACY"
Okay, I've got a problem, here. How can you have this "dark, gothic" movie and have Neve Campbell in it? That's like having Marilyn Manson starring in Annie. Fucking nonsense.
Wow, Fairuza Balk is one of the worst overacters I've ever seen. Al Pacino would be proud. She looks like Chucky at the end of this "film". No, not in a good way. I don't think there is a good way to look like Chucky.
Oops, I'm supposed to change the channel, and I'm supposed to be talking about the song, which fucking rocks of course, but it's already too late. Just know that it fucking shreds and trust me on this one.
Track score: 4 out of 5
"CATATONIC"
I fear I'm running out of things to say about this album. I mean it's really fantastic. Their best since Reign in Blood for sure. One thing I can say about this song is that the deep metal tones are more non-stop. It's just like constant shredding mixed with some really nice wailing solos in the middle, but the backbeat seems to be going throughout almost the entire 4 minute plus track. This is just really good.
Tom is talking about his religion of torture. I don't know if he's speaking in the first person or not or if he's speaking metaphorically, but he's defnitely trying to get the point across. His vocals sound pretty urgent on this one. This is one of the more aggressive and thought provoking songs of the album.
I'm watching Being Bobby Brown as this great track rocks on, and I must say it's quite disturbing. One thing Whitney and Slayer have in common is that they both have a connection with Satan on some level.
Track score: 4.5 out of 5
"BLACK SERENADE"
I've got two news flashes for you:
Bobby and Whitney are still on crack and Slayer is still thrashing like ebony marsupials out of the deep south. The really deep South.
Mr. Araya is welcoming me to his black serenade. I really appreciate that, Tommy. I'd love to take the tour some time. If you don't mind me screaming like a bitch. I've always been afraid of haunted houses, and I have a feeling any tour you take me on will have the same kind of feel to it.
Just another teriffic song here.
Track score: 4 out of 5
"CULT"
If Ben Roethlisberger was listening to this while riding that motorcycle, there's no way he would've survived. This song is so brutal. It's the first song I heard from the album and it's still one of my favorite ones. I saw them perform this on the Henry Rollins Show a few weeks ago, and I really enjoyed the performance which really pumped me up for the release of the record. At the bottom of this review, I will include a video of the same performance, so we can be more in sync.
The music on this song is superior and maybe the best on the entire album, but the lyrics grow tiresome and kind of silly after awhile, though I don't know if I will ever tire of hearing Tom scream "I have made my choice.....666!" That, I can live with. What gets kind of played out after awhile, though, is the whole "religion's a whore" talk. Like I said, the politics don't really bother me or concern me, but it sounds like he's trying to hard. Slayer is so talented. They should never have to take the easy way out.
Track score: 4.25 out of 5
"SUPREMICIST"
What, no ballad?
More of the same here. Simply breathtaking tempo change at the 1:30 mark which leads flawlessly into another mindblowing guitar solo. The more I listen to this one, I realize it's one of the more diverse tracks on the album. There are lots of time changes and Tom even manipulates his vocals a little, which is kind of unusual, on this album at least.
One of the things I like most about this album, is that all the songs go together nicely. It just all fits. And besides a couple of minor moments of stiltedness, the band was all business.
Track score: 4 out of 5
It's pretty simple.
If you don't like this kind of music, you're not going to like this album. It's not groundbreaking, it's just great.
If you do like this kind of music, it's essential. Get it now. You will love it.
ALBUM SCORE: 4.25 OUT OF 5
Well, I hope you enjoyed my review. I had a good time doing it and a good time listening to the album again. I also hope you enjoy the album as much as I did. I can almost guarantee that at the least you will really like it, if not love it. Everyone did an excellent job on it, and it shows. The group sounds as tight as it ever has, which is impressive at their age, and is also a wake-up call for the rest of the metal community. Your forefathers just kicked most of your asses. Get on the ball, or Kerry King will break into your humble abode and put guacamole under your toenails, and believe me, you don't want that.
I'll see you next time. I have to go now. It's almost time for church.
DamnCrackers©2006