Starring:
Wil Wheaton (You may have heard of him from a little movie known as Stand By Me)
River Phoenix (He Gone!!!)
Corey (I don’t really need a last name because
it’s either going to be Feldman or Haim…this time
it’s Feldman though)
Fat Jerry O’Connell (I believe they made him
do the Truffle Shuffle for him to get this part; even though he
wasn’t even the kid from The
Goonies)
Kiefer (I was a badass as a young adult just look at
this movie and The Lost Boys) William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus
Sutherland
John Cusack (What great 80’s movie
doesn’t star this guy? He’s only in flashback scenes
though; he died prior to the story taking place…well,
his character did, not him. If he died we
wouldn’t have movies like Must Love Dogs running around
everywhere)
Director: Rob Reiner (Must have had lunch at one
point with Jerry O’Connell. I heard he tried to eat
him. Oh, and he directed a little movie you may have heard of
called Stand By Me)
Plot: Based on the Stephen King novella (sounds like
a gay novel) “The Body,” four adolescent friends set out on
a journey to find the missing body of a local teenager who has been
missing, but no one has been able to find his body anywhere, but these
kids want to find this body that has been missing for a period of
time. I know it sounds like a Boy Scout story gone homo, but it
really would be fun to find a dead body. Hell, I’d kill to
see a dead body. Gordie, the gayest, I mean most creative, of the
boys is a writer by nature. River “Chris” Phoenix (he
still gone and I hope he haunts me so I can brag to all my friends by
saying River Phoenix is haunting me) is the tough guy who’s
always getting in trouble (it runs in the family. Smart-ass Corey
“Teddy” Feldman just plays himself for the most part (well,
pre-Meatballs IV; I may have to review that movie soon). That Joe
guy from “Joe’s Apartment” (MTV’s first attempt
at making a movie) is pretty much a fat piece of shit and a vagina to
boot). These boys go out in search of this body that I was
talking about, but a group of teenagers led by Kiefer “I Probably
Nailed Your Sister in the 80’s” Sutherland, aka Ace (What a
great character name for a bad-ass; ranks right up there with Dutch
from “The Karate Kid”), who find out about the boys’
little adventure in the backwoods of Oregon (River Phoenix’s
character’s brother is friends with Ace), go out to find the body
that has been missing before the little boys do. Anywho, the boys
set out on the train tracks (one great part of the movie occurs here
where we get to see a fat Jerry O’Connell nearly die; if only he
would have) in search of this body. I always wanted to know what
these kids would do once they found the body. I’m betting
Corey Haim’s boyfriend would have molested it
somehow. You can watch the movie to see if he does.
Favorite Part: It’s actually a tie between the
part where Davie “Lardass” Hogan pukes all over the place
and where Gordie sees the deer, but doesn’t tell anyone about
it. I try having personal “special” moments like
this, but I brag about them right away. As soon as that deer
would have come up to me, I would have been like, “Hey, guys,
there’s a freakin’ deer over here. Come check it
out. I’m like three feet away from the deer. Yeah,
me; it’s right next to me.” Knowing his name is Davie
Hogan instead of just calling him just Lardass makes me special.
A close third would be where the boys go into that little swamp/lake
thing and they get the leeches all over them. There’s
nothing better than seeing a boy take a leech off his penis, but
that’s my issue that I’ll deal with later on in
life.
Review: This is easily one of my favorite movies of
all time. One time in college, my friend wanted to follow these
train tracks that were by our university to see where they would
lead. He said he’d get a little wagon and put a keg on it
and just walk the tracks until we couldn’t walk any more.
We didn’t do that, but this movie made him want to do it and made
me want to kill him so a group of us could travel the tracks to find
his “missing” body.