The 15 minute rundown
For first time readers, start at the bottom.
Rundown - 10
Shit son, I ain’t been writin’ one of these suckas for a minute.
Well it’s Friday again, and here comes the run down.
I’ve figured out a solution for our countries welfare
problem. Since women have children just to remain on welfare, and
currently our army is lacking recruits, like seriously lacking recruits
that they made their new slogan, “Are You Army
Strong?” That is like asking "Are you pimply faced and
have no funds for college strong." Well are you?
So to fix our welfare problems we take these mothers when they go to
get on welfare and give them the option to sign up for the army or get
a job. “What about their kid?” you ask. Well we
just give them up for adoption, because we all know how much of a
demand there is to adopt a child in the US.
“Microsoft’s stock fell 3 points on Wall Street today but
on the up side Adopted Children are up 8 points.” No
really, by give them up for adoption I mean throw them in a dumpster
somewhere. The United States is over populated as it is, not in
‘too many people per square mile’ over-populated, but more
in ‘too many worthless pieces of shit that won’t go to work
and live off the system’ over-populated.
Someone ‘hit and run’ my car this week. That was such
a nice surprise to come out to in the morning before work.
Nothing says worthless America like a ‘hit and run’.
Actually something does say worthless America a little more than that,
Michael Moore does. Will this guy ever stop cashing in on
tragedy? Columbine, 9-11, America’s Health Care
system. Yes that is right, America’s Health Care System is
a tragedy, I would never go see his 'Sicko' video though. Not
because Michael Moore produced it, but more so because the first 90
minutes of it is probably just you sitting in the movie theater waiting
for the movie to start. Then once it does start, they just tell
you that you will have to go to another movie theater to see the movie,
and once you get to that movie theater, they won’t take your
ticket so you will have to call the first movie theater and get a
reference so the second movie theater will let you in.
Rundown - 9
I heard a gay white guy say today, “I’m just gonna go ax him myself.” And the whole sentence was said with a lisp. Go ahead picture it, and if you need help with your mental image of it, just picture big gay Al from South Park saying it. Like ghetto fabulous gay Al though. Throwing one hand up in front of him and putting the other on his hip, while shifting his weight to one side and then saying, “I’m just gonna ax him myself.”
Speaking of today, It’s Good Friday. I am guessing it is going to be hard for me to get home, with all that shopping traffic and such. I don’t know why stores have to run all these special deals today, unless they are doing it for Jesus. “Come on down, we got Sony HD TV’s half off to celebrate Jesus’ birthday.” “The Lord and savior died on that cross . . . so that you can get a brand new dishwasher at a new low low price of only 199.99.” Or is that Black Friday I am thinking of?
I recently went on a cruise to the Caribbean. I’ve never been there before, and I was expecting some what of a resort town with nice sandy palm tree covered beaches with beautiful women walking down the shore line in slow motion. Just like the commercials show it, you know. Well let me just tell you, it is nothing like that. It is more like New Jersey, except with more Black people.
There is one good thing about 3rd world countries though, all children are 50 percent cheaper.
On the cruise boat they have a salon, which didn't really hit me as odd right away, because there are people on the cruise that really need a hair cut. There was one guy that had purple hair, and what he really needed was some friends. So they have a salon, and they are cutting peoples hair and the boat is rocking all over the place and I didn't see one sign that stated, "not responsible for missing ears" or even one that said, "Hair cut not guaranteed" which I thought was strange, but really if you are crazy enough to pay $115 for a hair cut I don't think you would care much if your hair looked like Busey's.
The college I attended does this phone-a-thon thing to raise money for college things such as a new car for the President and a new parking lot for the Professors, really I don't know where the money goes, nor do I know exactly where it goes. So they were calling me every day for about 2 weeks straight, and I have them on my caller ID so I don't answer because I they don't know yet that I sold my college degree to a Mexican for 2 pieces of gum and a donkey. Well the last time they called I had my one friend answer and tell them I passed away. Then I received this in the mail.
At least now they will stop annoying me about, "donating money."
Rundown - 8
The 15 minute rundown.
This will be short, because I have been working on other things for the site all week and I am just burned out.
Would it be inappropriate to go to a Jewish costume party dressed as an easy bake oven?
Have you seen Borat yet? It isn’t that good but it is worth
seeing. Even if you haven’t seen it yet I am sure you know what
he looks like from all the commercials and such. Doesn’t he look
a lot like Groucho Marx?
Groucho Marx, not Borat.
I have been going to a lot of doctor appointments lately, not because I
am sick, just because I don’t feel like paying for a subscription
to Time Magazine. Speaking of Time Magazine, I was the Man of the Year.
That’s going on my resume.
Anna Nicole Smith died this week. On Yahoo!’s front page, right
after it happened they had breaking news and had a whole special part
for the news that Anna Nicole Smith died. It was listed under U.S. news
then and I really think that was a bad category to put it in. It should
have been under Science, no better yet it should have been under sci-fi
because no one knows how she lived as long as she did. She had an IQ of
4, smoked crack and took trim spa all day. Her living past
25 is an unsolved mystery.
Well that is it, I gotta get out of here. Next week will be longer and better. I swear.
Rundown - 7
It’s the 15 minute rundown.
Did you ever see the movie “The Rundown”? That movie
is awesome. How about the movie, “Rain man”?
That movie is good too; I like how it portrays the life of Ben
Affleck. It’s too bad they didn’t let Ben play
himself in that movie. Yeah defiantly, Ben Affleck is retarded,
yeah.
Do Black people have to wear dress socks? Did I use that before
in a 15 minute rundown? Do you have to capitalize the color of
the people you are talking about? Such as if I said “I hate
White people who act Black.” That is such a horrible
statement, I should have just said, "I hate Wiggers." Do I have
to capitalize Wiggers?
So my friend told me he clogged his toilet with one turd. No
paper, just one turd. That is pretty amazing, so we contacted
guinness. They didn't think so.
Earlier when I was heading into a bathroom stall to take my 3rd shit
for the day(another record for guinness?), I noticed that there were
some turds floating around, but no toilet paper. Who takes a shit
and doesn't wipe? You at least have to use a few squares to
check, you don't just dump'em and go.
I hate when I get some piss on my pants and then have to walk out of
the bathroom trying to cover up the fact that I am a careless
pisser. I know you know what I am talking about, it happens to
everyone. And if it hasn't, you are one of those people that try
and pass it off as being water. Like I am going to believe that,
even though I know it happens when you are washing you hands, some
water splashes on your pants. But don't try saying it is water,
because then people really know you pissed on yourself. I would
believe it more if you said that the guy beside you pissed on your
pants, just don't use the water bit. Just grab a folder, or your
back pack, or the closet female and hold it/her over your piss spot and
wait, like a man for it to dry.
Rundown - 6
Hi.
That was a sentence? A one word sentence?
What are some other one word sentences?
No.
Yes.
Edible?
Oh MS Word didn’t like that one.
How about . . .
Sure.
That worked. Let’s try . . .
Titties!
Damn MS Word doesn’t even know the word titties. Bill Gates must be a homo.
This should work . . .
Fuck?
A
question behind the word fuck makes ya think, doesn’t it! Oh an
explanation mark instead of a question mark, means it wasn’t a
sentence, I was telling you it makes you think. Okay enough with that,
Microsoft Word is underlining shit with green lines and it is annoying
me.
You know the one guy who helped work on this program,
Microsoft Word, said his greatest contribution to the program was the
red line when you misspell something. That he was proud of that
feature being his idea. That is the truth. I wonder if he goes around
to computer classes and waits till someone misses spells a word, then
jumps up beside them and in a cocky voice says, “THAT . . . was my
idea!” while pointing at the red line. Then there is a moment of
awkward silence where no one knows what to say. I can picture it, can
you?
You know 7up’s new slogan is, “Now 100% natural.” 100%
natural, that is great! Way to go 7up. That is what I would like to
say, but I just keep getting stuck at the “now” part. What the hell
was in this before? Were they putting rat poison in 7up until one day
someone at the factory was like, “should we really be putting rat
poison in here? It’s just not natural.” Then everyone thought about
it and decided that it would be best to leave the poison out.
Here is the old label- read the ingredients.
Here is the new label
Because
dead rats are natural, but real fruit juices aren’t. There is no
actual juice in 7up, but they want to promote 100% natural. Seriously,
why don’t they just make juicy juice in a soda can if they think that
saying 100% natural is a good promoting angle?
I was
looking at a bag of Martin’s chips today at lunch. Maybe you never
heard of them before, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that they
were est. in 1941.
Wow they sure are an old company. Well at least for the U.S.
That
is true, but I wasn’t saying that to show that they endured tough
times. I was pointing that out because while other people and
companies were going to war or making supplies for the war, Harry and
Fairy Martin the founders of Martins chips, were cutting up and ruining
potatoes. Some Irish American fighting in WWII would have gave his
second liver to eat those potatoes, but no. The Martins had to make
them into deep fried death chips. And yes, all Irish have a second
liver for when their first one goes bad. Kind of like your baby teeth
and then your adult teeth. Irish have a liver for when they are young,
and then one for when they get a little older.
Rundown - 5
Listen to it -Mp3
15 minutes here they come.
What do I have in store for this 15 minute rundown? Well I had a
lot in store. But that was earlier and now I forget most of
it. Here is what I remember.
I always wanted to adopt one of those kids from Africa or Brazil or
somewhere. Not to help them, but just to get that picture of them
with their name written on the back in some crappy language. I
would put that in my wallet and carry it around everywhere and act like
it was actually my kid. Then when people would pull out pictures
of their kids I could pull out mine and say, “Leroy is such a
good kid. You can tell which side of the family he got his looks
from.” Then all the other people would be like, “He
looks nothing like you! For God’s sake Derrick, he’s
Black” I would play it down too, and be like, “You
don’t think he looks like me? I never really thought about
it.” Then they would be like, “I don’t think
you should have a black kid, considering the mother and you are both
white!” Then I would start to cry and say stuff like,
“I never thought she would cheat on me. I just thought . .
. you know, maybe the kid has some disease like that Michael Jackson
guy does.”
There are so many more reasons I would adopt a kid from another country
too. I would hang that picture of him up at work, tell everyone
he is my real kid and steal coworker’s kid’s art work and
hang them up underneath it like he made them for me.
I would send him really crappy presents at Christmas time, and he would
love them. The one child I was looking at said his favorite hobby
was walking. So I would send him my roommates shoes that smell
like Oprah balls and 2 month old milk and the kid would probably send
me back picture of him walking around in those shoes.
I’m serious here, those shoes are discussing. You could
send those kids some tape and toes nail clippings and they would send
you back a picture of them with a big smile while they a patching up
holes in their roof by stuffing the toe nail in holes and taping them
in.
That’s it I’m going home.
Rundown - 4
Listen to it - Mp3
Well I wrote that to be sung, so if you aren’t listening to it while you read along. Then just forget that that just happened.
Let’s get this article started.
To start this article I need a topic, from the audience. Just go ahead and think of something. Anything! Just think. Think harder! Ahh haa, I have it. I know what you were thinking of. Deaf and mute people. You did good. Reeaal gooood. And on top of that you were thinking of deaf and mute people that have Tourette’s syndrome. Do you think that these people with Tourette’s syndrome who know sign language do that tourette thing with their hands? That they start signing, “cock sucker” and “oprah tits” with their hands? I wonder how you sign “cock sucker”? I actually have tourettes, it was really bad. Then I learned sign language and now the tourettes only come out when I am driving and when 12 year old Black kids yell at me when I am running. Well they didn’t actually yell at me, they yelled at the girl I was running with. The one kid yelled, “You needs a sports bra baby.” Well she had one on, but that isn’t the point. Why are 12 year old kids “hollerin’” at 24 year old women? I just love how they think women like that. “Yeah girl, I’s be looking at you. You’s lookin’ fine!” THEY ARE 12! Someone start teaching these kids respect or you may as well prepare for a civil war because I am not putting up with that shit when I am older and have nothing else to live for. If kids act like this when I am older, I am just going to inject them with some Drano and keep walking. Fuck them. Learn some respect. And it isn’t really their fault. They learn it from their peers. And who do their peers learn it from? They learnt it from watching you. Oh and from Carl Winslow. That Bracka was always “hollerin’” at the bitches. Him and Steve Irwin. Oh hold on. It was Steve Urcle. Wow how the fuck do you spell Urcle? I wonder if that is right? I am not taking the time to go Google it so that is how it is staying. U . R . C . L . E. for the listeners that can’t read. Well I guess if they can’t read then they don’t give two shit about how I spelled it. I bet they wouldn’t even give an infant shit about it. That really is a horrible phrase to use. It makes no sense. “Give a shit.” I would give a shit for just about anything. Hell I give a shit just because shitting is awesome. Though I wouldn’t give a shit to the kid that lived 2 rooms down from me in the dorms, that dude got enough shit already. I will tell the story quick then I got to get out of here.
Freshman year, ½ gallon of Captain Morgans, 3 other kids, my dorm room. Scene is set.
Half the bottle of Captain Morgans is gone. 1 kids left and me. Same room.
Bottle is empty in the trash can outside. I am sleeping.
Citation in hand. Cop is leaving.
Driving to the hospital the next morning to pick up one of the kids that didn’t stay past half bottle. Pissed the fuck off.
Jim’s(a kid 2 rooms down from my dorm) new nickname is shitty.
K here is the filler. Jim got drunk, left, and went back to his room half way through the bottle. Me and another friend stayed up and finished the bottle and then I passed out because I drank a shit load (again, why does shit get into every phrase?). I was awoken by a police officer, handed a citation for underage drinking and then I went back to sleep. How did the cop know you were drunk? You ask. Well good ole’ Jimmy Boy decided he had to take a shit and throw up at the same time. He then decided that it was more important to throw up into the toilet. You can guess where the shit went.
A fat kid from across the hall then proceeded to call the cops and then the cops asked Jim where he was drinking and instead of saying, “some frat party.” He decided to actually tell them the truth.
Jim was taken to the hospital and then I had to pick him up the next day since I was the only kid on the 3rd floor with a car.
He was a fucking lush. He drank like 8 shots and had to go to the hospital.
Well that is the end of the story and the end of the 15 minute rundown, which took a little longer this week. Anyways. Keep shit real and all that type of shit.
15 minute rundown - Part Three
Listen to it - mp3
Okay everyone it’s that time again. 15 minute rundown time. Today I am feeling like shit. Work is boring and it seems like everyone has died around here because it is super quite and there are usually babies crying and mothers dying. Well there really isn’t mothers dying, but there is usually a baby crying. We usually don’t have these moments of needed silence. Enough of that, on to the rundown.
Why do people buy dogs that are smaller than most cats and would probably get their ball sniffin’ noses beat in by most cats as well? Dogs are supposed to be tough, rough and a man’s best friend. How the hell am I supposed to make best friends with something that is smaller than my foot? If I ever fell down a well it would take one of these dogs about have a week to run back to where ever dogs run when people fall down wells. Oh yeah all dogs run to the Miller’s household. And incase that makes no sense to you because you are too young to remember the TV show or you didn’t just Google “Lassie” and find out that the last name of the family on Lassie the TV show was Miller, well then I just explained it to you, inadvertently.
Dogs that are smaller than most cats should not be called dogs. Period. Yes I just said period and the end of a sentence where I used a period. I wanted to emphasize that that sentence was over. Period. And that one too.
Dogs so small that a midget would laugh at should not be called dogs, they should and shall be renamed. Let us call them . . . ummm . . . homosexual crutches. No that isn’t good enough, how about . . . nothing, because we should get rid of them. Next time you see one of these rats that are passing off as “man’s best friend”, punch it to the ground (if it is in some fags arms) then stomp on it till its head splats. Problem solved. These animals aren’t as smart as bugs, and hide when we come around. No these little shit logs run right up to you and jump on your foot. They are asking for it. It is a simple 2 step operation. Pick up foot, force foot down on “dog”. Problem solved.
Did you ever think that Bill Gates really wanted to be in the army, in the bomb disposal unit? Or on a S.W.A.T. team? If not, where the hell did Mine Sweeper come from? That is the worst game ever. Stupid fucking smiling face.
I know I know, Robert Donner created that game in 1989, jeez, it was just a joke.
Well that is all. 15 minutes ran down. And I am out like a hot chick at a date rape party.
15 minute rundown - Part Two.
Listen to it here - mp3 format
Well I did my first 15 minute rundown last week, at this very time and I still haven’t posted it. So when you read this one, you will have probably read the first one as well. Here we go.
I don’t believe in “exit” signs. I believe that if you are too stupid to find your way out of a building then you don’t deserve to live. And I also believe that fire drills are sacrilegious. God creates fire to “thin out the herd.” Man creates fire drills to save lives. Who are we to go against God? Now if the Pope would say, “God wants you to be saved from the fire he hadth set upon this Earth. God didth create fire and God didth create fire drills, God is good and if God is good then so are fire drills. Go and praise the Lord.” Well then I wouldn’t have a problem with it. This brings me to my next topic, The Catholic church.
I was speaking with some Cath friends of mine, and they said it is a sin to go to any other church besides a Catholic Church. That God doesn’t want you to worship anywhere else. And these Catholic people believe in that shit. What fucking retard would agree that God says you shouldn’t worship him in another church? First off you would have to believe in God, which I do. Then you would have to believe that God wants the Catholic Church to have a monopoly on him. I guess the saying is true then, “Once you go Catholic, you never go back.” Or is it, “once you go Black you never go Catholic?” I don’t know and quite frankly I don’t care. I don’t care because I just said quite frankly and because of that I have no room to bash on anyone. But . . . I will continue to do it. So the God monopoly starts with the Catholic Church saying you may not go to any other church and if you do, you do not pass go and do not receive eternal forgiveness. The next thing it says is you may not use birth control. Ahh ha, here is the next step. No birth control equals more children. More children equal more stock in God. More stock in God equals more blessings and fewer locusts. What is God going for on the stock market these days? I think I saw him on the NYSE and the WWJD as being 2 points low on the day. Not a good sign, then again, are signs from God usually good? Ponder that and wait till next week when I will probably forget all about this subject and by then you will have prayed for my soul 7 times.
My time is up and so is this 15 minute rundown. God Bless, but God bless the Catholic Church a little more, they own 51 percent of his shares.
Listen to it here, mp3 format
15 minute rundown. Here is goes. First off you ask, what the hell is
the 15 minute rundown? Well you see, it is something I just made up.
I have 15 minutes left till I leave work, and I am going to tell you
whatever I want to tell you, in 15 minutes.
First, why do people have to use the stall right beside me when I am in
the bathroom? There are 3 other perfectly good stalls that smell just
as bad as the one that is beside me. Go use one of them. And if you
have to use the one beside me due to bathroom etiquette being in effect,
then don’t slide you foot half under my side. I don’t want to see your
foot, belt, shoe lace; I don’t even want to see your toilet paper
hanging down. I’m not in the bathroom to talk to you or bond or find out
where you are going this weekend with your wife and 3 shit logs that you
call children. I am there for one reason. Well sometimes I am there
just so I don’t have to work. But most of the time I am there for just
one reason.
Ever think you are in the Matrix, but the Matrix you are in is still
running in Windows 3.1? And the guy they put in the center to control
the Matrix is a retarded McDonald’s drive thru worker with turrets? In
my Matrix you have to pick up a can with a rope attached to it to get
back to the real world. And the way they get you into the Matrix from
the real world is by connecting you to the game operation and that big
computer from the movie War Games. Do you want to play a game?
Well that wasn’t 15 minutes, then again I shouldn’t be writing this at
work. So remember, keep your nose clean; boil that shit up and inject
it.
-Derrick
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