Have a clever intro, something that captivates the audience and makes them want to read more. Those are the words that pop into my head as I sit down to write this week's installment of the Whore of the Week. Why? Why do I need a clever intro? There really is no reason. I mean, you are going to read it anyways. Why? Because you love our weekly whore write-up. I can pretty much say a bunch of bullshit and you will eat it up. I can sit here and type that 'Lucky Louie' is a very hip new show that keeps getting better and better with every episode. I can mention that I love that it is totally raw and the fact that there are no "seasoned" actors only adds to the reality of it. It is one of the best written shows in the past, well since I was understanding of the whole shooting splooge thing. Let's see, I am 29 years old now so that means it's one of the best written shows in the past 18 years. Damn, I've been imorally touching myself almost everyday since I was 11. To quote my brother, Brandon, "You should watch it." The show, not me jacking off. Although, I am not against being a cam whore if you want to pay to see me stroke my big, beautiful black cock. I'm just saying... I can say that I have been listening to a lot of Wolfmother lately and mention that they are the best thing to come from Australia since Naomi Watts. I can say that I like McDonald's hotcakes, and often eat them while wearing only boxer shorts as I watch Sportscenter in the morning, after I get out of work. I can say that I can say what I can say. There, it's been said. I said it.

Fuck clever intros. Just like Dane Cook, they are overrated.

Mentally disabled chicks with big tits are funny. Let me prove my point with a little help from one of my favorite comedians, Dave Attell.

"You ever black out, or as I call it, Time Travel? You're in

a bar drinking, you black out. You wake up, in another bar,

you black out again. You're at McDonald's... working there three

years, haven't made assistant manager. You want to leave, but

you're banging the chick on the Frialator. Sure, they say she's

retarded, but those titties ain't retarded."

I think our whore for this week is at least moderately retarded. Look at her eyes. Yeah, she's got huge tits and that will be the first thing that you look at, it's ok because I did too, but also look at her eyes. There is something that is lacking in the "all with it" department. Here's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis. Take a gander even if your name isn't Willis. Really, who names their kid Willis anymore? Do you know anyone named Willis? I sure as hell don't. I bet they are bastards if they are named that because if anyone names their kid Willis, they are pretty much saying, "I'm not going to be a part of your life. Good Luck, 'son'." :

Pop up books are gooder than

books that don't pop up. It's like

BOOM, all in your face. I like

Lightning Crashes everytime I open my

eyes this wide. Maybe Botox wasn't

Princess Di is so 1997. Wait,

is that a red balloon? Wee!

I love balloons, especially

red ones. That reminds me

of that '99 Luftballoons' song

by that German powerhouse,

Nena. I like German Shepherds.

One time my mommy bought me a stuffed

German Shepherd. I named him Al.

Al Gore invented the internet. Nets

are cool because they help me catch

butterflies. My boobs are big.

Damn, it just occured to me that I have forgotten to give you her MySpace page. I'm supposed to do that towards the beginning of the entry, but you know what? This is where you all collectively say, "What?" Then I tell you. Only this time I am not going to tell you. Why? No, what. No one even asked why. You all asked, "What?"

Yeah, that gave me a headache too. Plus, it made me feel a bit too much like Abbott & Costello.

I suppose. Fuck! I almost said, "I reckon." I had started to type the "r" out. I am glad that I caught it when I did or ya'll would think that I have lived in Oklahoma for over 3 years now. Shit!

What I am trying to say is that I am dubbing this week's whore, Frialator.

Dave's right, those titties ain't retarded.

At least she understands that everyone cuts her face out

anyway. It was nice of her to spare everyone the effort.

She may not be medically moronic, but she is definitely a D student. Wucka wucka wucka.

This chick doesn't really offer a whole lot in regards to her interests. She's really quite bland as far as whore's go. She's into the normal stuff like shopping, drinking, sucking cock for a spaghetti dinner. Segue. She's Italian. I had a hard time telling though because she admits to getting her nose done. Which she tries to play off as being due to her having a deviated septum. She doesn't explain to us why she had her arms waxed though. Most every Italian woman I have ever met usually have arms that look like this:

When did Harry from Harry and the Hendersons start

shaving his elbows?

Frialator has a few GIF's of bumper sticker-esque material on her page. Things such as this knee slapper:

No one is hating you because of your "beauty." Nobody is even hating you because of your huge rack either. It looks like you might have a decent pair of hold cards. Ooh, slipping some poker terminolgy into a WOTW; one point for me.

I am not going to caption that last pic. Well, in a way I will. Ok, we get it, you've got nice tits. However, you should do the world a favor and start practicing to hold your breath. What's that, Frialator? Why would you need to work on holding your breath? No, not because we are giving you free scuba lessons for winning the prestigious role of DCWOTW.

You need to work on breathing exercises because...

...

Wait for it...

Here it comes...

Ready?

Is the suspense killing you?

Yeah, me neither.

The reason you need to build up your lungs is because you should wear one of these:

Ha! I just noticed that one of the people she would like to meet is Dave Attell. That is fitting. It's also weird because all I did was look at her pics to see if she was whore worthy. I briefly examined her profile. I usually do that as I go along. Sorry, but it seemed really cool to me that it turned out that she really wants to meet DA. Weird.

I can't rip on her throughout the whole thing. At least she

didn't give a SuFi.

What did I just do there? Did I just feel like I was sort of siding with this whore? Maybe it's the big veins in her tits that made me feel that way.

Never mind. Whatever I felt earlier was just because she wants to meet Dave Attell and not Dane Cook. I've met Dave Attell and he is a small guy. He is a really nice guy, but he would probably drown in her right titty like a Yate's child. Damnit, I mentioned Andrea Yates in the last WOTW. What's next? Am I going to talk about how airplanes should be made out of the black box?

Remember what seems like last week when I said that she had a nose job? This is what she looked like before.

Yes, believe it or not, more imbecilic.

Way back in the beginning I was talking about how "important" it was to start off strong, remember that? No? Well, it was like 20 minutes ago. It is equally as important to finish strong. Normally. Not this time. I'm tired. The end.