9-03-06

People have been asking me all week, what are you going to write about to start this week's whore? Of course, by people, I mean some random voices in my head. Well, voices in my head, I'm not really sure. One thing is for sure, I am not going to find the whore. So many hours go into finding the perfect whore to belittle. Many of those hours could be eliminated simply by not masturbating, but that's just part of the fun; the main part. I've got more important things to do this week. Wait, who am I kidding? I'll be back in awhile.

You might be thinking, "Did he just tell us he was going to jerk off and then go do it?" Yes, I did. I do what I want and don't care about the repercussions. I'm similar to Tucker Max in those regards.

What's the most fun for me, when it comes to the WOTW, is the fact that I don't actually write it anymore. I've successfully weeded myself out of it. "But you're writing it right now," you say. No, I'm not. I am merely writing the preface to the WOTW. I can, and do, say whatever I want to in this portion.

You see, we've split things up. Instead of Derrick or I writing the whole thing, I write the nonsense at the beginning and he writes the nonsense at the end. That way, if you don't like what I have to say, you can just scroll to the end and read what Derrick says. Or, you could just stop reading after I am done spewing pure genius onto this page. But, since Derrick and I pretty much rule, you should read the whole damn thing. By the way, if you don't like what I write, all I have to say is that I WILL CUT YOU!

I like making you all laugh. By "making" I mean that I will come to your house and put a gun to your head and force you to laugh. So do it and spare me the gas and the felonies. I don't need to go back to jail. It was 3 years ago on August 31st that I got a DUI. Well, I also got a fleeing the scene. I don't claim to be the most smartest person. See how cute that was, most smartest?

Gather around. It's story time, children.

August 31st, 2003. It was my girlfriend's 21st birthday. I was driving her Mustang. We drove to the first bar. Drank. Off to the second. Drank. Ran into some friends. "Hey, we live 30 miles away. Come party at our place," they said. Drank. We drove to their place. Drank. Drank. Drank. I think we drank and played some drinking games and then drank some more. Time to drive her home for some drunken birthday fucking. We say our goodbyes and have another drink.

On our way home.

Not a Mazda commercial.

Hey, there's a 7-11 on the left. It's a long drive home (long when you're smashed) and I need smokes. I take the left turn with only 7-11 in my narrow sight. I did not see the BMW.

Not the old Batman show from the 60's.

I continued left. Fuck cigarettes. I can't get a DUI. The Air Force will kick my ass (back when I actually cared, but I'll save that for another opening WOTW rant).

Not an Under Armour commercial.

That was the sound of parts falling off of her car. Like a NASCAR Hansel and Gretel I proceed to leave a trail of car parts to an apartment complex. The front end of the car had completely tucked under the left tire and it was impossible to go any further. We're safe here and we can deal with the car later, I thought. I thought. I thought. Then I went to jail. Then got bailed out and laid in bed with #ass# and we watched a '24' marathon. I can't wait till it comes back on the air.

Television is good for you.

#ass# was "brilliant" on my behalf. Nobody would figure out that her name was Kassy. Shit. I was hoping I didn't fudge that up. I love that Dominos is selling Fudge 'Ems. I haven't had any yet, but their marketing people deserve some props.

I have other jail stories. I once had to spend 10 days for shoplifting. I was really good at playing spades so all the brothers liked me. Sure I was an asshole for eating all of their grocery even though I was only there for 10 days, but they shouldn't fuck with the big dog. Don't bet what you can't lose. Speaking of which, Notre Dame better cover the 7 point spread tomorrow. Please, God. I'm betting on you. Of course, this will be published a day after so it will all be moot.

I once had a conversation with someone that was a deaf mute. He kept trying to telling me something, but his point was moot. I just kicked him in the balls because that's really all I could do at that point.

That's that. Derrick, find your own damn whore this week. Oh, yeah. Don't drink and drive or shoplift. Don't do any stupid shit for that matter.

Don't do stupid shit. Love,

Gerald

Here comes thee hot stepper. Murderer. I'm the lyrical gangster. Murderer.
I'm here to write the whore of the week, but G Lad didn't find one for me. Fuck you Gerlad Mcboing Boing. You get the easy part and then don't even give me the common courtesy of a of finding me the whore! I hate finding the whore. It is your yob to find the whore, since I have to write it. I like to be surprised with who I have to write about. So I just picked one.
Here she is.

Carla-MariaCarla-Maria

That's it. I'm done, I have a terrible hang over. I drink too much and right now, well last night I was drinking while on medication for strep throat so I am feeling like shit and not in the mood to write this whore. But . . . for the sake of the WOTW I am going to tread on. Even though it will not be funny because it took me 30 minutes to write that part.

This has to be the perfect whore! Hands down, best whore. Reason? Because after you're done going to bat for your race and your balls start to itch and green shit starts leaking out of your man trunk . . . right there is a nurse to help you. That should be a mandatory thing these days. If you are a whore, you should have to be a nurse as well. We could say goodbye to all those nasty diseases that have been plaguing us Caucasians for the past 300 years. Thank you, I accept the nobel peace prize and your girlfriends and would like to say that I thought that up by myself, with no help from my hangover.

Oh fucking jackpot. I just read her one blog that was named, "It really hurts when . . ." When I first clicked on it I was thinking it would be a good segue from that last part because, well I thought she would be admitting to making men get giant cue tips in their penises(do some men have more than one penis?). Well while I was writing that I thought of something,

Okay, back to the original thought. Which was her blog, which can be read here. But since people don't like to click on links in articles I have removed some parts and will post them.

Oh boo fucking hoo. I am guessing she is going to hate this little article on her then. If you pose nude you must expect and accept the fact that you are going to be called a whore. Like right now, whore. Do I mean it, who knows, but I say it to piss you off. It makes me laugh when people cannot take a joke, which calling you a whore isn't a joke. Not at first, it turns into a joke when you can't take being called a whore.

I don't even need to make fun of that sentence. I am sure, you as a reader of DamnCrackers.com are intelligent enough to figure the punchline to that out on your own. This chick though, not so much.

More of the blog -

All my life I have worked hard for what I believe in, and I have always tried my best to do good to others. Like giving free blow jobs and taking the load to the eye without complaining or asking for a tip. I guess I don't get why someone would go to such great lengths to slander my name. You should first ask yourself, "Why do I go to such great lengths to be a whore?" Being an online model puts me in a very vulnerable position,(doggy style position) and as strong of a person as I am, I cannot deny it is difficult when a person makes such an extreme effort to upset me. Who would ever do that? Though posing nude may not be right for everyone- I do not belive it makes me a bad person, nor do I believe that it is appropriate for people to categorize or assume I am whore, immoral, or any less human. Man, this whore was set up from the beginning. I don't even need to write this. It is writing itself. I know that sometimes fans get carried away in fantasy, which is fine- but saying hateful and ludicrous things can sometimes get to you...especially when they go to the extent of blogging it! What about making a weekly article out of it and having not one but two people write it?

To all my fans and supporters, I love you and thank you for everything ...and despite all the BS out there, it's because of you all that I continue to pursue my dreams. Your dream is to take your clothes off and let people take pictures of you? That is a pretty easy to make a reality. The only thing I ask is that you continue to support me and to practice good judgement, even when others try to slander my name. Will do, thanks for the advice.

To that blog she got 182 comments. Most of them were serious. Well I am guessing they were, I only read a few words of one of them. Stupid people make me bored. 182 comments though, that is crazy. Her blog was about her posing nude and being mad that people make fun of her for it. Grow up and go out side. The real world (not the show) is harsh, it's not some tv show from the 60's where everything was just the way you want it to be.

This image could not be passed up. Only a true WOTW takes a picture of herself on the Jon Crapper. That would be my porn name,Jon Crapper, if I was in porn. Not that they would let me in porn. So I guess I will just call myself that when I am taking videos of myself. Not that I take videos of myself. So I guess I will just call myself that when I am pretending I am in porn while taking videos of that girl across the street that leaves her blinds open while she is showering. Yeah, that is what I will do.

Welp, I am bored with this. I have better things to do, such as go to her homepage and try and get free videos of her to use as "evidence" in the case that I have just brought against her in this court of whores. Or I could just watch those ones I made of that chick across the street. Either way it will be a good time. So until next week, stay safe and always remember to wrap it up, because cue tips in your penis maybe about as fun as a 6 flags theme park, but then again, going to a 6 flags theme park is like getting a 6 inch cue tip shoved into your penis.

-Derrick