Oh, whores. How we love thee. Especially the dumb whore that thought she was going to be reading this expecting it to be about her. Now why would we give you free publicity so that you can sell more of your used panties? Apparently the world is amuk with whores that make a living selling their used underwear.
This is the whore I was originally going to use, but she told me that she made $3,000 last month selling her panties. She doesn't need the "pub." She even told me that she was going to give me a cut, but I would be afraid to touch any money that has ever been near her. You've heard of dirty money before, but this whore would take it to a whole new level.
This is a message this whore sent me. Her message is at the bottom.
Who the fuck are these guys that live such a sad life that they buy used panties? Is this guy one of them?
Andy, are you a used panty purchaser? Do you rub them on your face and let the lingering smell become a permanent fixture on your mutsache? I bet you do you sick old man.
Who else would possible buy used panties? I know:
The one, the only, Steve Guttenberg. I bet he has dozens of pairs that Sgt. Debbie Callahan wore. He might even have a few pairs that Hightower wore as well. Hell, he might even have a few pairs that Number 5 wore in Short Circuit. After all, "Number 5 is alive."
Ok, enough of this talk of fat football coaches, panties, 80's movies and panty wearing robots. On with the show...
You know, the only thing greater than a whore is a whore that thinks she is black. What a lucky find for this week when I stumbled across this wigger whore. Meet ~*the vanilla toned baby*~
I think I am just going to refer to her as Mudshark from now on though. Sure, it's a little racy, but let's be honest... That's what she is. What's a Mudshark? You betta axe somebody.
Mudshark states this in her About Me section of MySpace, "I AM THE BADDEST BITCH (no seriously I am)." No seriously, you are not. Seriously. Seriously! SERIOUSLY!!!
She also says, "I watch out for my man and not just his wallet. You heard muh?" Well first of all Mudshark, what the fuck is MUH? Backwards it is hum which I am sure you do on your man's nuts while you are trying to get into his wallet. Ya heard me? Y'ah know what I'm sayin'? Or, let me translate it into your "fake ghetto" language. Ya feel muh?
Let me fill you in on some of Mudshark's interests and what she wants to do when she grows up. The trick wants to be a professional hip-hop dancer. A professional? "So, what do you do for a living?" "I shake muh ass on thuh videuhs."
She also tells us, and I quote, you know how you will know I quote? Because I am going to use quotation marks. Watch. "I love my chocolate people. I know... I know... I am white, but wut can I do about it?" Those were her words, but you know that because I used the quotation marks. Damncrackers.com readers are the smartest smart-smarts in all the smart land. Time to decipher her words. She loves chocolate people. That's sick. I can understand eating chocolate bunnies. I mean, they are bunnies not people. Cannibalism is just one step away for this little whore. I know... I know... She meant African American people. Fuck off. It's my turn to write the whore of the week and I can take it anywhere I want. I digress. Then she goes on to ask what she can do about being white. I think she found an answer to that:
2 more weeks at Tan and Tone
and I can call Africa my home land.
Get a fake tan. Then say "muh" and "wut" instead of me and what. Then... Boom! There you have it, instant blackness. Don't forget to mention that 'Boyz In Da Hood' is one of your favorite movies. That's key to fakin' da funk. Wait, this bitch also put that 'Cool Runnings' is also one of her favorites.That's just going too far.
Smell muh pits, yo
If you're white, and you don't know
it, smile for the camera. If you're
white, and you don't know it,
stomp your feet...
Oh, Mudshark. I guess I was wrong. You are the baddest bitch (no seriously, you are. Honestly. Wait, you don't believe me? I said, "Seriously." That makes it true).
Doggy, you got a rockin' boduh. Yuh could be uh professionuh hip-hop dancuh in thuh videuhs.
Word uhp. Yuh dig, playuh? Uh.
Let's delve deeper into this whore's life. Who would she like to meet? Before we answer that we should find out who she doesn't want to meet. I will go ahead and make the spelling corrections for her. I mean, I am sure she went to a poor school district being from the hood and all. She doesn't want to meet haters, instigators, users, abusers... well, you get the drift. She doesn't want to meet anyone that has ever been "dissed" in hip-hop songs. Damn, she left out scrubs. I guess she don't want no scrubs. Which means that she wants scrubs. So if you're a scrub, go get you some.
She does want to meet "someone that can hold down a good convo." Wouldn't holding down a good conversation include being able to say the word "conversation?" Who am I kidding? She doesn't even say "me" correctly. I'd hate to be in a "convo" with her and have to "axe" her to stop so I can consult the Urban Dictionary every 3 words.
I really like how she says that she loves someone that can take care of her, but then one sentence later she tells us that she is fully independant. She might as well say, "I'm a lesbian. I hate women."
Well, I guess it's true. Once you go white, you go right back to black.
- Gerald Young
DamnCrackers©2006
