There's that old adage that blondes have more fun. This week's whore disagrees. She believes that brunettes have more fun. I think they are both wrong. Blue haired people have more fun.
 
                                                             
 
    Just look at Marge with her new ample boobage. You know that, as soon as she got them, she was going to go have a train ran on her. I'm talking Apu, Krusty, Bumble Bee Guy, Carl, Lenny, Artie Ziff; hell, even Comic Book Guy would get him some. 
 
    Enough of the rhetoric. Let's get on with the show. It's been a week since the last whore of the week, which was written by some dude named Marvin. None of us here at DamnCrackers.com have any idea who the hell the guy is, but he did a great job. My name is Gerald. I've written here many times before, but no one at DamnCrackers.com has any idea who the hell I am either. So, Marvin (whoever the fuck you are), we got that in common.
 
    I thought I said, "enough of the rhetoric." Why am I carrying on? Maybe it's because I haven't had a drink yet. Let me get a beer. Sit tight while I go grab a cold one...
 
 
 
    Ok, I'm back. Did you miss me? Probably not. I didn't miss any of you all either. Fine, enough of the fluff. Let me introduce you to this week's whore.
 
                                                   
                                                                                                        
 ABBY
 
 
     
                                                                                    
 
 
    I promise that DamnCrackers.com does not endorse beastilaty. Well, I speak for myself. I don't know about Derrick. Whatever he does with a giraffe, water bison, and a duck billed platypus is his business. And, from what I hear, business is good. National Geographic and the Animal Channel are porn to him. I'm not saying that Derrick fucks animals. I'm saying that Derrick FUCKS animals.
 
   Look at the poor dog in the picture. She looks sad. If I was a dog and my owner was a total whore I would be sad too. Then again, If I was dog I would also sell my ass for Kibbles 'n Bits. I wonder who took the picture. I wonder whose idea it was to pose 1/2 naked with a dog. It clearly wasn't the dog's. Maybe it was Andy Reids idea.
 
 
 
                                                  
 
 
    Oh, Andrew. You dirty dog. Why don't you tell us what's really on your mind.
 
                                                   
 
  That's what I thought.
                                                                     
 
 
    Let's take an indepth look at Abby by peeking at her ABOUT ME section of My Space. In it she says that, although, she is a dancer, she still has high morals. What does she consider high morals? Is it this? 
 
 
                                                   

 This is high morales I suppose.
What would she consider low?
Posing 1/2 naked with a dog?
  Nope. That's been established.
 
     What other gems are there that we should know about Abby? Oh, she also says that she wants to work in a zoo. Hmm, maybe her potential employers should know that she is a little too friendly with animals. Not as friendly as Derrick though. Seriously, the guy bought a gerbil from Richard Gere. If she does get a job at a zoo she will make a zebra very happy one day. She's gonna give the monkeys something to really jerk off to.
 
 
 
                                                           

                                                                How is she going to get the guitar
                                                                                                                                            out of her snatch?
    In her WHO I'D LIKE TO MEET section she say's, "Pretty boys... that have perfect teeth." That leaves any guy living in England out of the equation. It leaves me out too. There are people in Britain that look at my teeth and laugh. Enough about my snaggle tooth. It is feeling sadder than Abby's dog.  She also says that she wants a man that knows how to operate a tanning bed. How fucking retarded are you if you don't know how to operate a tanning bed?                                              
 
 
 
 
                                              Maybe you are this retarded.
 
                                  
 
Or, you just tell us how retarded you are by using the scales we have provided!
 
 
 
 

 
                                                
 

 
 
    Ben Affleck might need Matt Damon to tell him how to use a tanning bed. Here is someone that doesn't need to know how to use a tanning bed.
 
                                                        

 These white folk at
damncrackers.com
are alright by me
Ya heard me!
                                                                                      
                                                                                                             
                                                                           
                                                                                                              
 
- Gerald Young
 
 
 
 
Back to DamnCrackers.com
 
 
 
                                                                DamnCrackers©2006