Holla
atch boy. It’s that time again and we’s comin’
at’cha with da flavor. No need to put your game on tilt,
cause straight up game will get’cha milk. Crip
walkin’ in da country is wheres it be. I’m da monsta mac.
Actually I am Derrick(none of the above) and I am
here to write about something before someone writes about a
whore. That person would be Gerlad and I will be his fluffer for
today. No let me rethink that. I will just write something
and let him fluff himself. I know he is capable of it, and if he
isn’t I am sure he can pick up some leftover fluffers at the
local porn shop.
Okay moving on. We here at DC have been writing about Myspace
Whores now for over 9 months. We have started traditions, and
then ended them without even thinking twice about them. Well
during this WOTW we are going to have all those traditions brought back
and used in one WOTW. None will be left out. So let me list
the traditions I so affectionately talk about.
1. Andy Reid makes an appearance.
2. Doggy says he would or would not “hit it.”
3. We make a nickname for the WOTW
4. Someone writes a pre-whore article and then
someone follows it up with the actual whore. (This is being done as we
speak)
5. A run-down of pictures with random quotes beneath them
6. The WOTW’s information + nice commentary from our “staff”.
7. We will make a new tradition for this WOTW.
So as I list these things, I am sure Gerlad is, oh there is
another one, I must always call Gerald, Gerlad which isn’t hard
to do anymore actually. What is hard is to call him by his real
first name, and it is even hard to spell his name Gerald, because I
have been writing it Gerlad for so long now. And fuck you spell
check, I know I spelled it wrong. Well I will solve that; I will
just add it to the spell checker. There, no more red underline,
much better. Okay, so back to what Gerlad is probably thinking as
he reads this; that he has to do all that stuff for just one WOTW?
Well, he can handle it, since he hasn’t actually written about a
whore since 8-6-06 . And whatever new tradition he makes, I will
do as long as it is nothing ridiculous. That sounds fair to
me. Don’t you think?
And since the whore precursor usually has some random ranting in it
(not that I haven’t done enough already), I will now supply you
with a little ranting before my main man Gerlad takes the stage.
Actually, no I won't. The reason, well, umm . . . I don't
need a reason. I do have a little treat for Gerlad though.
I have went out and found three whores. One is better than
all the others, well at least I think so, and one is not really that
great of a whore. So Gerlad, you have to pick one of the
following three whores, and then write about her. Consider it a
choice your own adventure. And yes I know that you can just look
at all of them and pick the best one, but whatever. Do it however
you like. Here they are.
While Gerlad is choosing, everyone go here and check out the shirts I just got in.
Wow, D, nice
shirt plug. I suppose I should give them some more time to peruse the
wares. I'll just do my own thing in the meantime.
Oh, you all are back. I got sidetracked for a second, but damn,
those shirts are teh k00l. Too bad Derrick wasn't wearing one while he
was posing in that picture at the top. Don't let him lie to you, he's
tha wigga in da middle.
Ok,
back to the WOTW. When I'm done you all can go buy a shirt (and then
pleasure yourself to that pic of that chick eating that other chick's
ass...sure, like I'll be the only one). I just need
your attention for about the next 15 minutes. That's 14 1/2 more than
any girl I've ever been with. Unless I am drunk. Then it is only 14
minutes more.
GerALd
McBoing Boing here, ladies and gents. I admit, it has been awhile since
I've written the whore. I apologize for that. I will more than make it
up to you. First, I need to make a decision. Which door (or whore) to
choose? Hmm, I'll go with what's behind whore number 3. Show me what I've won.
Uncalled
for? Yeah. Do I care? No. I'm just happy that's not my dick. Of
course it's not, but you all knew that. Everyone knows that I've got the biggest,
blackest cock.
I'm going to go ahead and bestow the moniker of Nip/Tuck upon her. Why? Well, this is what she used to look like:
All that's missing in this pic is Princess Leia in a metal bikini.
This is what she looks like now:
Get fat again and grow some tits.
Where did your FUPA go?
Seriously, what are you trying to
cover up?
As
you can see, Nip/Tuck is pretty appropriate. You don't look like that,
after looking like Andy Reid with a dress, without the aid of some
drastic surgery.
Fuck off, Subway Jared. Nobody's talking to you.
"Why must you guys pick on me?
Did that dress make me look hefty?
Ooh, is that a meatball marinara party sub?"
We pick on you because we love you, Andy. Plus, you're a fattie and it's an easy joke.
Nip/Tuck is 21 and she's from New Jersey. So, you know she's got a nasally, whiney voice to go along with that snarl.
This is the look she gets when
she remembers that she
gave up Twinkies. Or, when
she remembers that she lives
in Jersey.
But would Doggy hit it?
Fuck, I need to
do a checklist real quick. You see my boss, the evil dickhead Derrick,
made a list of things that need to be in this Whore of the Week. I
don't want to get fired from this "high paying" gig so I better check to
see what I have so far.
1. Andy Reid is in the house. Check.
2. Doggy would hit it, but he's a hippy and he'd also fuck a granola bar. Check.
3. Nip/Tuck as a nickname. Chizzeck.
4. The evil dickhead boss, Derrick provided the pre-whore banter. Chex mix.
5. Obligatory quotes under pictures. Chiggy check, microphone check.
6. Talk shit about the
whore by using things found on her profile. Not yet. I need to get
drunker come back to this. I'm only mean when I'm drunk and I'm drunk a
lot.
7. Make a new tradition. Hmm, I'll think of that while I am getting drunk.
Jersey skank was fat
She is now a slutty whore
Sucks cock for chin tuck
I'm
back and I'm drunk. Haiku in red is the new tradition. So I can cross 7
off the list. My name is NOT Earl, but I am good at crossing shit off a
list.
This is my favorite picture of her and it's hard to be mean
because she looks kinda cute in it. I'm not getting soft.
I'd still tug the nose ring while she is riding my shaft.
Ok,
I have fulfilled 6 of the 7 things on the checklist. I have to admit,
it's kind of hard for me to be mean. Why make fun of someone? Oh yeah,
because it's funny and you all will laugh. But, it's makes me out to be
an asshole. That makes me no better than my evil dickhead boss,
Derrick.
Thanks for not being so mean
to me, Gerlad.
No
problem, whore. You caught me on a good week where I was trying to be
nicer to people. Plus, I did it just to spite Derrick because he put a
gun up to my head and forced me to write the WOTW. Everyone knows I am
better at writing the garbage at the beginning of the whore. Everyone
also knows that I am a really nice guy behind this rough facade.
Everyone also knows that Derrick is a wicked bastard.
Just
kidding, you're still a dirty, filthy whoooooore. You say, "Mah booty"
in your profile and that just angers me. Sure you used to be fat, and
probably had your share of the mandingo, but you are a white skank and
you don't have a booty.
You
also say that you are sensual, artsy and classy. Then you post slutty
pictures of yourself up for the whole wide world, that peruses the
whole world wide web, to see. Very classy, trixie.
Nip/Tuck,
keep fooling yourself for now. Some day, down the road, you will hit
rock bottom. It might be when you delve into porn because you need
money because your waitress/model job didn't quite pan out. It might be
when you're sucking cock at glory holes because you're so damn
"classy." Whenever it is, you'll know because you will be face down in
a huge bowl of Häagen-Dazs wondering what happened to that nice body you bought.
Derrick is still a bigger asshole than me, but I guess I'm closing in.
Thank you all for reading. I love you all. Live, love, laugh and stay "classy."
