Well, I
must start off by saying that I’m quite a traditionalist, and the
same can be said about the family tradition that is the
DamnCrackers.com Whore of the Week, But I wanted to do something just a
little different this time.
My number one selection in this week’s WOTW draft may not be whore-iffic enough, but she has lot’s of potential.
Don’t fret, my brothers. She still has a few
characteristics that stand out as being a perfect match for the coveted
award.
Close-up picture of ass? Check.
Annoying screen name? Check.
Whorrible headline? Check:
“I’m lookin 4 a sexyass bi female ready 2 do this!”
Bi-sexual? Check.
But there was something very unique about this young whore prospect that just called out to my achy-breaky heart.
'
A very special episode of ER: Emergency Rednecks
You see, this Whore of the Week, SexyChica220, is a bi-lingual whore.
“What’s up
holmes? My name is Carlos. That whore of the week is
fucking sexy, ey? If you want to see me recycle all of my old
jokes and steal some from other comedians and tell them over and over
again to a fake audience, then tune in to the new season of my show,
Mind of Mencia, starting July 9th on Comedy Central.”
There are so many things I
could say about this WOTW, but I must be careful with my words, because
she might not understand them, and this guy from her profile might
shoot me.
But I will try anyway, and if you want to find me, look for Sean
Yule. That’s the guy you want. He wrote this. I
mean I, Sean Yule wrote this. So shoot me if you must. And
he, I mean, “I” was a real dick in high school, so he, I
mean “I” really deserve it.
So I, Sean, will tell you a little more about this boriqua.
She is
“sexilicious”, an “angel with horns”, a
“queen bitch”, a “perfect bitch” and “a
reminder of what you can’t have”. I wonder if
she’s talking about crabs.
“I’m itchy down there.”
I have a question. This is my first whore of the week. Is
it wrong to be attracted to the winner? I’m like Eddie
Murhpy. I want to pick this girl up and “counsel”
her. She’s not as slutty as the other whores of the
week. I want to get to her before she reaches her full whore
potential. I want to buy her a bottle of Whornitos
Tequila and let her drink away her problems. I want to grab this
bull or angel, as it were, by the whorns and show her that
there’s a whore, I mean whole other world out there for
her. But unfortunately, I’m not a “bi female ready to
do this” or a sexy latino dude with a gat.
“Not if you were the last guy in Whoretown, Jon….er, I mean Sean.”
She asks some very important questions on her profile.
“Did you bring tha Hennessey?” No, WhorePac, I left that shit in my g-ride. Sorry, ey.
She also wants to know “what it do?” I believe she’s talking about condoms, but I could be wrong.
Her general interests include sex, smoke, sleep n sunbathin.
Apparently, judging from this picture, she also enjoys the occasional 14 year old blonde girl.
I thought S was going to stand for Syphilis. And she forgot to mention that she may also cause genital warts.
I think if you’re a
Latina gangsta or gangstress, it’s actually called a
“vato” spot, but I get the “G”ist of it.
I’ve never had sex on the kitchen tile
before. The clean-up is a bitch. No, I’m not calling
this woman a bitch, oh never mind.
I don’t know. I
may have made a bad choice with this Whore of the Week. I mean
she even has good taste in movies. She only lists 2, but they are
Crash and Pulp Fiction. Those are two of my favorites. She
can’t be that bad, right?
“Stop being such a fucking pussy, Sean, Jon or whatever your name
is. Just tell it like it is. Why are you afraid of that
rapper fella? You know I’ve got your back.”
Thanks, Andy. That’s good to know. I appreciate that, Coach.
“I was just joking about having your back, you
twat. I do have 6 racks of baby backs wating for me at home,
though, so I’m a get up on that. Oh, and why are you and
Brandon getting all healthy and shit? You got a problem with
being fat? I fully plan on dying while having sex with an
ultimate cheeseburger. Have fun with your little
“marathon” ya sissies.”
Wow, Andy is feeling a little hostile today. He must not approve of my selection.
I can’t blame him really. I just realized I made a huge rookie mistake, but I will learn from it.
Have you ever found a better whore while submitting your choice for
Whore of the Week? I suppose I should’ve done that before I
went through with this one, but it took me 2 days to find her.
Sometimes you can’t find a whore to save your life, because most
don’t know CPR, but when you finally find one, they all start
cumming out of the woodWhork.
She’s wearing a beanie, so that must mean she’s like “Alterna-whore”.
Maybe that will give whoever does next week’s installment a
little inspiration. I know it gave me a little something, and I
do mean “little”.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most Whore-iffic of them all?”
Well, maybe I didn’t find one of the all-time sluttiest or
raunchiest of whores, but at least I found the first bi-lingual
one. She keeps on talking about “bia”’s.
I don’t know what a bia is, but I have a feeling I am not one.
So next week, I challenge you to find a culturally diverse whore to go
along with mine. We could start an International House of
Hoe-cakes.
“My fingers taste like ho-cakes.”
Or how about a World Cup of Whores?
“Pele likes him some Whooooooooooooooooooooooores.”
While there can be no wrong choice as whore of the week, I feel I
could’ve done a better job with it, but all whores must be
exposed at some point, even beginner whores, so I guess it was just
this chica’s turn. Everyone is going to get their turn with
her eventually, so why not start now?
I also had a thought while doing extensive research this week.
Could there ever be a man-whore of the week? If so, I nominate
Gerald. He gets more ass than a porto-potty at a chili
cook-off.
