LOCKPORT, N.Y. (AP) — A judge offered a 20-year-old man facing sentencing an unusual choice: Enlist in the Army or go to jail for up to a year. [I suppose that's better than: Enlist in the Army or have to listen to Nickelback 24 hours a day for a whole year]

Michael Guerra, 20, had pleaded guilty to second-degree criminal contempt, a misdemeanor, after he was accused of violating an order of protection. [Violated an order of protection and now they are giving him the option to PROTECT the country]

At a hearing last week, his attorney told Judge Sara Sheldon Sperrazza [damn, I wanted this to be Judge Joe Brown so bad] that Guerra wanted to join the Army but couldn't if he was on probation. The judge offered Guerra the chance to follow through, but warned that if he didn't enlist within 30 days he would be arrested and sentenced to jail. [30 days, perfect. Just enough time for him to pass a drug test]

Prosecutor Caroline Wojtaszek was doubtful Guerra would actually enlist but said, "maybe they're the only ones who can whip him into shape." [This prosecutor sounds kinky, talking about whipping and what not. I've been a bad boy, Caroline. Prosecute me you Polish Princess]

A judge can't order someone to join the Army [in the movies they can. Oh, wait. This is real life. Never mind], but she can decline to impose a sentence if conditions are met, said Guerra's attorney, Matthew P. Pynn. "We do that with misdemeanors all the time [I bet you do. Especially with that naughty freak,Caroline Wojtaszek, opposing you]," he said.
Guerra had been accused of shoving his girlfriend's friend against a wall and kneeing her in the stomach [what a douche nozzle]. Authorities said he was trying to assault his girlfriend and her friend tried to shield her. [I guess she didn't like the idea of a threesome]

Guerra could not be reached for comment [he was too busy punching puppies in their cute little puppy faces]. His attorney said he does not have a telephone [imagine that]. [His attorney also said that he lives in a van down by the river and that he cooks grilled cheese sandwiches on the carburateur. That is when he is not busy being a total asshole by proving what a “man” he is by beating women up]