Fuck the war in Iraq. Here is a war that needs to get more attention.
The war against pirates! Yes, I said pirates!! Pirates! Pirates!!
Swashbuckling pirates!!! Our (assuming you are from the United States)
Navy attacked pirates. Let me say that again. The U.S. Navy attacked
pirates! Don't believe me? Read this arrrrrrrticle. Yarrrrrr!!!!!!

(CNN) -- Two U.S. Navy ships skirmished [skirmished is a funny word to
use when writing a news article about pirates. Kudos to this writer.
I'd yo-ho-ho share a bottle of rum with him/her before I made him/her
walk thee olde plank] with a group of suspected pirates [we're not
sure what they are, but we suspect that they were pirates. It's only
obvious, duh!] off the coast of Somalia Saturday, killing one and
wounding five, the Navy said. [See I told you so. You thought I was
lying didn't you? I wonder if we kept any pirates as hostages. That
would be great. We could throw them in Gauntanamo Bay. Maybe let them
pose in some pictures with Lyndy Englund.]

No U.S. soldiers were injured. [That would be sad if you had to
describe that injury to your military buddies. "So how did you lose
your eye?" "Well, it's hard to explain really. Let's just say that
Captain Hook had his way with my retina.]

At the time, the USS Cape St. George, a guided missile cruiser, and
the USS Gonzalez, a guided missile destroyer, were conducting maritime
security operations in the Indian Ocean [it's great that in the time
of political correctness that we haven't resorted to calling this the
Native-American Ocean], the Navy said.

Pirate attacks and hijackings are common [I also heard that Vikings
still sail the seas and that Santa Claus is indeed real] off the
eastern African nation's coast and usually target U.N. World Food
Program vessels carrying relief food for the millions of people
affected by the drought.

Last week, Somali pirates kidnapped 50 Yemeni fishermen off a Yemeni
island just east of Somalia, according to Yemen's state news agency
Saba.

On November 5, pirates fired rocket-propelled grenades [read that
again. It doesn't say they fired off cannons. No! These fucking
pirates have rocket-propelled grenades. Not swords. Rocket-propelled
grenades!] at a 440-foot luxury cruise liner operated by Seabourn
Cruise Line. [Note to self: Do not go on a cruise with the Seabourn
company.] No one was hurt, and the captain was able to get away before
the pirates could board the ship.

Yaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr! Ahoy, bitches!

-Gerald Young