Dane Cook Defies Comedy Logic

By: The Professor

First of all, I'm not gay. Nevertheless, Dane Cook is one handsome guy. I have been told by several women that he epitomizes the perfect boyfriend. Combining humor and svelte rockstar looks, Cook appears to have it all in a man. He can hold his own as a lead in any romantic comedy. Unfortunately, this complete package goes against 2500 years of logical argument.

Here is what I mean. For the most part, comedy comes from the ugly and broken in people. We laugh when our neighbor falls down the stairs; it's human nature. The best comedy, therefore, comes from folks who are filled with pain, despair, and self-loathing. Comedy becomes a defense mechanism for these people, a way to connect to their fellow man. Look at the famous comedians and funnymen. None of them were male models in any respect. I may even go to say that the majority of comedians are on the homely side. Physical ugliness is another tool for comics and jokesters to use for a laugh. Self-deprecating humor is some of the greatest. The comedian, in essence, falls down the stairs for us, sacrificing his happiness for a chuckle.

When it comes to someone like Dane Cook who is both handsome and funny, this theory of humor breaks down. Let's frame this argument as a Aristotelian syllogism:

But, Dane Cook is a comedian. Although, many would disagree. From looking at the barbs of other comics, Dane Cook is slowly approaching the hatred and disdain shown to other comedians like Carrot Top and Gallagher (both, by the way are not handsome by any stretch of the imagination. If any females reading this do find Carrot Top or Gallagher attractive, please call me. Any woman who can achieve orgasm by watching someone handle the Sledge-o-matic may actually find my musings on Seventeenth Century astronomers charming.) Personally, I am indifferent to the comedy of Cook. It's nothing that you'd laugh out loud to, but he is by far not the worst out there.

So, if we do grant that Dane Cook reaches the level of at least a mediocre comic, where does the ugliness come from? Was he touched as a child? Was he morbidly obese until he went to some weird Fat Camp run by Kids in the Hall? Maybe his inner torture drives his stand-up. When we see a young vibrant man, he may see himself as a awful human being worse than Pol Pot.

I believe the attitude of hating Cook comes from pure envy. How can someone be good-looking AND funny. Poll after poll state that a women's number one preference in a man is the ability to make them laugh. I'm reminded of the quip by Emo Philips. He said if women really loved people who made them laugh, why don't fourteen year old girls have a poster of Shemp hanging up in their room? Women want Brad Pitt to say a good knock-knock joke, not Chris Farley to fall and break a table in a skit. I'm sure Chris Farley knew this fact, and it led to his self-destruction. Maybe there is a correlation to the Jesus story and comedy. The comic's suffering removes our own pain in this world. And, I can't think of a greater stand-up act than the crucifixion.

Comedy and tragedy go hand-in-hand I guess. Instead of despising someone who is both handsome and funny, just enjoy living. At least you're alive. Look at the recent state of Hollywood celebrities. Obviously, glamour, youth, beauty, wealth, and fame are paths to their own perdition. Was it always this way? There must be some folks in comedy or movies who won't end up in a future episode of Celebrity Rehab. I have no idea if we will read about Dane Cook tomorrow ODing on heroin and moonpies. Maybe being boring and ugly is a gift. That's how we'll end up anyway if we live that long. So, next time you see that old, bummy guy on the bus, shake his hand. He certainly knows how to live properly.