8/7/2007 Listen
The American population is still reeling in the effects of the bridge
collapse outside of Minneapolis. News agencies across the country have
been asking if other bridges in the United States might have the same
structural problems. In a recent report from CNN, news anchor John
Roberts he said, “You can’t live in fear of every bridge
you cross collapsing on you. Therefore I teamed up with Richard Gere
and we’ve starting a hotline you can call to find out if a bridge
near you is going to fall. The number is 1-800- MOTHMAN”.
In recent years, the famously liberal Netherlands has been swinging
toward the right, cracking down on immigration, religious freedoms and
the freewheeling red light district. The next possible target? Magic
mushrooms. The death in March of 17-year-old French girl Gaelle Caroff,
who jumped from a building after eating psychedelic mushrooms while on
a school visit, has ignited a campaign to ban the fungi — sold
legally at so-called "smartshops" as long as they're fresh. Besides the
girl jumping to her death off a building other incidents include:
— A British tourist, 22, ran amok in a hotel, breaking his window and slicing his hand badly.
— An Icelandic tourist, 19, thought he was being chased and jumped from a balcony, breaking both his legs.
— A Danish tourist, 29, drove his car wildly through a campground, narrowly missing people sleeping in their tents.
---An American actor, George Clooney, ate mushrooms and then ran amok
in Hollywood staring in “The Peacemaker”, a shitty version
of “Batman”, and “Syriana”. Dutch government
data suggest most mushrooms sold in smartshops are eaten by tourists or
George Clooney, however, they added most tourists don’t go back
to their home countries and star in bad movies.
A natural force which causes tiny particles to stick to one another has
been reversed by scientists, effectively enabling them to create a type
of levitation. The "Casimir force," which is sometimes referred to as a
"sticky quantum" force, makes very small "nano-particles" attract one
another. One example of it is a gecko's ability to stick to any surface
with one toe. A pair of physicists at the University of St. Andrews in
Scotland have discovered a way to reverse the force, meaning that they
can make small objects repel, rather than attract, one another in a
vacuum. The scientists said, “we are looking to turn the
‘Casimir force’ affect into the Rosie O’Donnell
affect. If we can get to the point where we can levitate Rosie than we
have reached the ultimate goal because she is the densest object in the
known universe”.
Archaeologists have found an eight-million-year old forest of
cypresses, well preserved and not fossilised, in Bukkabrany in north
eastern Hungary.
"The discovery is exceptional as the trees kept their wooden structure,
they neither turned into coal nor were petrified," the head of the
archaeological department at the local Otto Herman museum who oversaw
the excavation stated.
Archaeologists announced the find last week after uncovering the
mysterious forest of taxodiums, a kind of swamp cypress, after a few
days of digging and upon further inspection of the tress, the
archaeologists noticed a strange indention in one of the trees that
looked like it read, “Al Gore was here.” Al Gore has not
been available for questioning.
British officials were attempting Monday to contain an outbreak of
foot-and-mouth disease and avoid any repeat of mass infections that
devastated the rural economy in 2001, as bio-security experts
investigated a suspected link between new cases and a vaccine
laboratory. Foot-and-mouth disease affects cloven-hoofed animals
including cows, sheep, pigs and goats, and in rare cases, humans.
Symptoms of the disease in humans include, brown, crooked teeth,
overall poor oral hygiene, using expressions such as “bugger,
piss off and cheers, wanting to eat shitty food and calling the
bathroom a “loo”. If you see anyone with these symptoms
immediately contact the authorities because they will soon turn into a
full blooded British person and may even become a day walker.
From "An Inconvenient Truth" to popularizing the Prius, Hollywood has
helped lead the way on some environmental issues. One of the latest
initiatives: Cool Change, Fox's company-wide program to reduce the
network's impact on global warming. As part of that effort, the seventh
season of "24" will take steps to reduce and offset the carbon
emissions from the show's production, with the goal of having the
season finale be entirely carbon-neutral. Not only will the 7th season
be carbon neutral but it will also be plot free.
Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink
armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark
of shame. Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan said, "(Hello) Kitty is a cute
icon for young girls. It's not something macho police officers want
covering their biceps," The United States has quickly followed suit
with Thailand and are implementing their own unique punishment system
where police officers who break the law in the United States will be
forced to wear a “vote for Nader” armband and sign
Nickleback songs to everyone they arrest.
The New York Times published a review of the final Harry Potter book on
last Thursday before it went on sale, drawing a stinging response from
author J.K. Rowling. Rowling stated, "I am staggered that some American
newspapers have decided to publish purported spoilers in the form of
reviews in complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of
readers, particularly children,". Ms. Rowling was then told
that America child don’t read her books let alone the newspaper,
so there was nothing spoiled for anyone.
An obese study found a person's chances of becoming obese went up 57
percent if a friend became obese, 40 percent if a sibling did and 37
percent if a spouse did. In the closest friendships, the risk almost
tripled. They also found that when you have obese friends your
perception of what fat is changes. Apparently the more obese friends
you have the more tolerant you are of their fat feelings. Some
scientists were calling this the shape shifting effect. Scientists then
tried to study if people who had more thin friends became thinner.
Unfortunately in each case study the thinner person morphed into
Lindsey Lohan, snorted 8 pounds of cocaine and began chasing people
around with her car.
A jury will decide the fate of 16 year old Eric Hainstock this week.
Hainstock is charged with first-degree murder and is being tried as an
adult in the shooting death of Weston Schools Principal John Klang.
Hainstock told detectives he took guns to Weston the morning of Sept.
29 because he was upset that Klang and other school officials had done
nothing to stop fellow students from teasing him. He told investigators
he wanted to make people listen to him. After the shooting police
searched Hainestock’s back pack and bedroom and discovered he had
Death Cab For Cutie, Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance CD’s in
his possession. Police later confirmed that he is indeed an Emo kid and
he did what all Emo kids eventually do, go to school with guns and
shoot people. Now not only is he being tried on first degree-murder, he
is also being tried on 3 counts of crimes against humanity for
listening to Death Cab For Cutie, Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance,
also known as the “Axis of Emo”.
Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards squeezed into a pair of
Spandex bike shorts today and pedaled on the RAGBRAI route with
champion cyclist Lance Armstrong. After riding from just north of
Dumont to Kesley, he sat down in Kesley for a diet soda and a pork
chop. The candidate was sweaty after about a dozen miles, but there was
no evidence of helmet hair. Edwards didn’t have to worry about
helmet because scientists were able to clone his hair cut.
Edwards’ said he purchased 100 cloned hairstyles for about
$16,000 each. Edwards, who was in hot water for previously spending
$400 on a hair cut was asked about spending $16,000 on hair clones. The
Senator simply said, “I'm rich, now shut up before I have Donald Rumsfeld hit you with his shovel”.
Star Jones Reynolds says in a new interview that her dramatic
weight-loss was due to gastric-bypass surgery, and that she dodged
questions about it for years because she was "scared of what people
might think of me." Star Jones stated. It is speculated that she did
not actually have gastric-bypass surgery and was only saying so to
cover up the fact that she turned to a life of bulimia so she could
join Lindsay Lohan’s and Mary-Kate Olsen’s super secret
bulimia club.
China's food safety monitor promised last week to investigate a report
that more than half of the water coolers in Beijing use counterfeit
branded water. They said the report came after one consumer was reading
a bottle of water and saw that it was bottled in Mexico under the
label, “Montezuma’s revenge.”
It’s been reported that there was an attempt by al Qaeda to flood
the US with terrorist cells. High level communication traffic was
intercepted by the US government and implicated the use of moving the
terrorists across the US/Mexico border. The plot was finally discovered
when an American contractor tried to pick up what he believed were four
Mexicans at a Home Depot in Albuquerque, New Mexico but soon realized
something was fishy when the four showed no knowledge in lawn
maintenance or basic carpentry skills and refused to work for $3.00 and
hour.
Donald Rumsfeld has a new book coming out at the end of the summer
entitled “Shut up or I’ll hit you with my shovel”.
When asked where the idea for the title came from Rumsfeld said,
“Every time I gave a speech I was always a little nervous so one
of the interns said to picture yourself hitting everyone with a shovel
and it calmed me down. I also always pictured myself one upping Cheney,
I know he shot a guy but I bet hitting someone with a shovel would top
that.” Sales from the book will partially benefit the Ace
Hardware Foundation for Mentally Retarded Politicians.
A 19 month old child was kicked off a Continental Express plane last
month after he said, “Bye, Bye Plane”. The mother of the
child was furious with the decision and stated she will sue the airline
for emotional distress. American Airlines refused to comment on the
situation but TSA said that when the child was being escorted off the
plane he began yelling, “It’s the Jews, they control the
world. I hate the Jews.” A copy of Mel Gibson’s
autobiography was found in the Mother’s purse.
A U.S.-born giant panda has given birth to twin cubs in a research
centre in southwest China today. In related news, a Chinese born Oprah
Winrey has devoured the southern part of Mongolia.
The United States faces an increased threat of attack from al Qaeda,
which will likely try to use battle-hardened associates in Iraq to
strike inside the United States, an intelligence report warned on
Thursday. The report said al Qaeda remained the "the most serious
terrorist threat" to the United States. Among the lesser threats to the
US were TB airplane passengers, 80 year old Fidel Castro, and Mothra.
Britain issued a series of seven postage stamps depicting the covers of
the best-selling Harry Potter books Tuesday, days before the final
volume in the series goes on sale. The Royal Mail said about 340,000
people had pre-ordered the stamps — breaking the record of
300,000 pre-orders set by a series of Beatles stamps released in
January. The Royal Mail wasn’t surprised though and stated that
the Beatles and Harry Potter Books aren’t that different
actually, because in the last Potter book and just like the Beatles, 2
of the main characters die.
Burger King, McDonald's and Wendy's are among the chains planning to
defy New York City's new rule that they begin posting calories on
menus. New York is the first city in the country to require certain
fast food restaurants to list calorie counts next to menu items in type
that is at least as large as the price.Fast food chains also say they
have been unfairly singled because the new rule only applies to
restaurants that serve standardized portions and offer nutritional
information voluntarily. The restaurants aren’t completely
defying the new rule though, but instead of placing calorie amount
beside the item on their menu they will put pictures of people beside
their meals. Such as: chubby, fat, obese, and Oprah Winfrey obese as a
reference to what you will look like if you eat that menu item.
Scientists say they've created embryonic stem cells by stimulating
unfertilized eggs, a significant step toward producing transplant
tissue that's genetically matched to women. The advance suggests that
someday, a woman who wants a transplant to treat a condition like
diabetes or a spinal cord injury could provide eggs to a lab, which in
turn could create tissue that her body wouldn't reject. In unrelated
news, Steven Hawkings is having a sex change next week after spending
the last 65 years as a man.
Germany has stated Thursday that, despite reports to the contrary, it
has no opposition to Tom Cruise shooting his WWII documentary titled,
“valkyrie” in Germany.
The film, slated for a 2008 release, tells the true story of Colonel
Claus von Stauffenberg the leader of a failed German military plot to
assassinate Adolf Hitler in 1944. The film's title comes from Operation
Valkyrie, the plot's code name.
Tom Cruise is casting himself as The Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg,
and already critics are acclaiming Valkyrie the greatest documentary
Tom Cruise has done, besides “The Last Samurai”.
A Texas man scheduled to be executed on Tuesday wants to die laughing.
Patrick Knight, 39, has been soliciting jokes on the Internet and plans
to tell one of them before receiving a lethal injection, Texas
Department of Criminal Justice spokeswoman Michelle Lyons said on
Monday.
"He says he wants to keep his execution light," she said. The Texas
Department of Criminal Justice will also reveal a joke of their after
administiring the lethal injection, by telling Mr. Knight that he was
innocent all the long.
Britain's main umbrella group of Muslim organisations on Tuesday
strongly condemned the three failed car bomb attacks here, calling for
cross-community efforts to tackle the extremist threat.
"Those who seek to deliberately kill or maim innocent people are the
enemies of us all," said Dr Muhammad Abdul Bari, secretary-general of
the moderate Muslim Council of Britain. He then went on to add,
“But anyone who seeks to maim or kill any member of Nickelback is
a martyr to the world and will receive 50 semi-virgins in the after
life.” He was then questioned on semi-virgins in which he
responded. “Semi-virgins, you know . . .they’ve only been
fondled a little, there are still in virgin-like condition.”
Actress Cameron Diaz was in Peru recently toting around an olive green
bag emblazoned with a red star and the words "Serve the People",
perhaps Chinese Communist leader Mao Zedong's most famous political
slogan. These words invoked painful memories in Peru due to bloody
conflict in the 80’s and 90’s. Cameron has now apologized
stating, "I sincerely apologize to anyone I may have inadvertently
offended." Peru isn’t the only nation that Cameron Diaz has
offended and The United States is still awaiting an apology for Miss
Diaz’s acting in “Charlie’s Angel’s”, and
“Charlie’s Angel’s: Full Throttle”.
To avoid serving prison sentences for tax evasion, 2 NH residents have
locked themselves off from the world on their own terms.From behind the
8-inch concrete walls of their 110-acre hilltop compound, the couple
taunt police and SWAT teams and play to reporters and government-haters
with references to past standoffs that turned deadly. Residents
want the Browns' circus to end before their small town along the
Connecticut River becomes the next Ruby Ridge or
Waco.
We have breaking NEWS, Wesley Snipes has recently arrived at the tax
evasion camp and has stated he was a scapegoat for tax fraud
investigations. Here is a statement Mr. Snipes is making at this
moment, “You better wake up. The world you live in is just a
sugar-coated topping! There is another world beneath it - the real
world. And if you want to survive it, you better learn to not pay
taxes.”
Germany has barred a movie from filming at German military sites
because its star Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, the Defense Ministry of
Germany said on Monday.
Cruise, also one of the film's producers, is a member of the Church of
Scientology which the German government does not recognize as a church.
When Tom Cruise heard that Germany does not recognize Scientology as a
religion, he said, “well . . . well I don’t recognize
Germany as a state . . . ha take that Fritz.” It was then
explained to Mr. Cruise that Germany is a Country and everyone who
lives there is not named Fritz.
The USA trails other industrialized nations in high-speed Internet
access and may never catch up unless quick action is taken by
public-policymakers, a report commissioned by the Communications
Workers of America warns.
The median U.S. download speed now is 1.97 megabits per second - a
fraction of the 61 megabits per second enjoyed by consumers in Japan
The report wasn’t all bad news though, as it stated that even
though we are trailing in internet access, we make up for it in access
to porn, especially in the age group of 13-19 year olds where the porn
access is American is 52.4 movies a day per teenager , where as in
Japan it is only 4.5. There is a side note though, of those 52.4
movies a day for United States teens, 51 out of the 52.4 are a Bang Bus
production.
Poison ivy, the scourge of summer campers, hikers and gardeners, is getting worse.
New research shows the rash-inducing plant appears to be growing faster
and producing more potent oil compared with earlier decades due to
global warming producing bigger leaves, faster growth, hardier plants
and oil that's even more irritating and annoying. The research also
shows that global warming is at fault for making the democratic
national party even more irritating and annoying as well, giving them
an even bigger podium to stand on.
Carrie Underwood was been named sexiest vegetarian by the organization
People for the ethical treatment of animals, or PETA or short. The name
of the contest Ms. Underwood won was “World’s Sexiest
Vegetarian Celebrities”, which is PETA’s most famous
annual contest, but it is not their only contest. Other contests PETA
holds for example is the infamous “tofu dog eating contest”
where the winner is whoever can eat a tofu dog without throwing up.
They have their “famous person that treats their pet better than
their actual kid” contest, in which celebrities are judged on
their children to pet ratio, how many times they let their children be
medically tested on rather than an animal and which one they spend more
time with, their child or their pet. PETA boasts its annual function
called “chains around America” where its members all join
together at a meeting ground and then chain themselves together for no
purpose at all. And lastly and probably the most famous thing that PETA
hosts besides it’s “world’s sexiest vegetarian
celebrities” contest is its fund raising event titled “Help
fill our PETA pockets” where they raise money to feed animals in
3rd world countries for only pennies a day.
Watch it - Video
5/29/07 The United States has isolated a man who may have exposed fellow passengers on
two transatlantic flights to a strain of tuberculosis that is extremely hard to
treat. The man, from the U.S. state of Georgia, returned to the United States by car
and has been in the hospital "in respiratory isolation" since then.
"This is an unusual TB organism, one that's very, very difficult to treat." stated Dr. Julie Gerberding
the director of the center for disease control and prevention. But
added, "but not nearly as hard to treat as Lindsey Lohans drug problem."
Democrat
Barack Obama is offering a sweeping plan that would provide every
citizen a means to have health coverage and calls on government,
businesses and consumers to share the costs of the program.
Obama
said his plan could save the average consumer $2,500 a year and bring
health care to all. He also stated that Big Foot has contacted him and
let him know that Mother Earth isn’t happy about global warming and the
Bush party and She hopes that him and the space creatures from Mars can
do something to fix it.
Cindy Sheehan, the soldier's mother who
galvanized an anti-war movement with her monthlong protest outside
President Bush’s ranch, said Tuesday she's done being the public face
of the movement. "I've been wondering why I'm killing myself and
wondering why the Democrats caved in to G.W.” It is speculated that
actual reason she has stopped her protest is due to her hitting
menopause and ceasing to getting PMS.
President Bush ordered
new U.S. economic sanctions as a pressure so Sudan's government halts
the bloodshed in Darfur that the Bush administration has condemned as
genocide. Bush stated, "I promise this to the people of Darfur: the
United States will not avert our eyes from a crisis that challenges the
conscience of the world." The sanctions target government-run
companies involved in Sudan's oil industry, and the private run sector
involved in prostitution rings, the main source of African prostitutes
for Charlie Sheen and Hugh Grant.
Russia test-launched a new
intercontinental ballistic missile capable of carrying multiple
independent warheads on tuesday, and a top government official said it
could penetrate any defense system. The West was quick to come back
stating it has created a brand new missile defense system that nothing
can penetrate, which they are naming The Condoleezza Rice Missle
Defense System, as nothing can penetrate her either.
House Speaker
Nancy Pelosi said Monday she led a congressional delegation to
Greenland, where lawmakers saw "firsthand evidence that climate change
is a reality," and she hoped the Bush administration would consider a
new path on the issue. President Bush answered right back to Speaker
Pelosi and said, "Why don't you take a trip to India and see how
slavery is still in affect, or go to Japan and see how well the child
labor laws are upheld, or better yet go to Africa and see who the fuck
cares about global warming when they can't even eat one meal a day.
TEXAS hehe." Of course he didn't say that, but he should have.
Actor Sylvester Stallone was formally convicted Monday of importing
restricted muscle-building hormones into Australia and ordered to pay
$10,651 in fines and court costs. Stallone previously pleaded guilty to
the offense and was not in court for the hearing. When questioned on
the offense all Mr. Stallone could talk about was the plot for a movie
he is currently working on in which Steve Irwin comes back from the
dead, becomes prime minister of Australia and attempts to take over the
world, and there is only one man who can stop him, RAMBO!
Paula Abdul broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying
to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua, her publicist said Monday. He also
said "She's a little sore, but is doing fine," In unrelated news, Simon
Cowell was recently treated for a broken hand.
A capuchin monkey at the Denver Zoo has died of plague and officials
are trying to prevent an epidemic by isolating the primates and
treating them with antibiotics. Rev. Al Sharpton was immediately
notified and was on the scene in no time. He is calling for a strike on
Zoos all over America until the people responsible for isolating the
monkies are fired.
The largest U.S. study of childhood autism found earlier this year that
about 1 in 152 have the disorder, with the highest rate — 1 in 94
children — found in New Jersey. That’s the actual news
people, NJ sucks.
Paris Hilton has been trying to get her jail sentence removed and was
recently seen toting around a self help book titled, the power of now,
and the Holy Bible. She is attempting to convince the judge who ordered
her sentence that she is a good person and won’t break the laws
again. Originally she was going to carry around the Koran, but chose
the Bible because she liked how the main character had the same name as
her gardener.
Australia's Aborigines die more than 17 years earlier than the rest of
the population because of "institutionalised racism" in the health
system, the country's top medical body stated today. The average
lifespan of modern Aborigines is currently the same as that of
non-indigenous Australians in the 1920s. When Rev. Al Sharpton
was informed of this atrocity, he stated, “Who cares, fuck those
N*gg*rs”
Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, spiritual head of 77
million Anglicans worldwide has sent invitations to more than 800
Anglican bishops asking them to attend the Lambeth Conference in July
and August 2008, but has not invited two American bishops -- Gene
Robinson and Martyn Minns because of them being openly homosexual. The
Archbishop Williams stated about his lack of invitation to the 2 gay
bishops, “If those 2 fags would just get back in the closet with
the rest of us there would be no problem here.”
Women who want to skip their monthly periods entirely may soon be able
to do so, thanks to a new birth control pill that would indefinitely
stop the menstrual cycle. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is
expected today to announce approval of Lybrel, the first birth control
pill taken 365 days a year, with no placebos. The side effects include,
nausea, vomiting, risk of blot clots and there is a small risk that you
will turn in to a giant raging PMS bitch and devour the entire male
population with your years of backed up menstrual cycles. Use as
directed.
Scientists have learned that a star in our Milky Way galaxy is
estimated to be almost as almost as old at the entire solar
system. It was discovered by employing techniques similar to
those used to date archeological remains here on Earth. When
questioned on the oldest star in the galaxy, Jane Fonda said she
couldn’t have done it with out the support of all her fans.
Last Friday a judge handed down a sentence for 13 months in prison to a
man pretending to be mentally retarded in order to claim disability
benefits. The man pleaded guilty in February to conspiracy to defraud
the government and to Social Security fraud. He began receiving
disability benefits when he was 8. The judge and jury were baffled at
why the man would do what he did, considering he is a multi-millionaire
and starred in movies such as(show picture of ben Affleck)
Armageddon and Good Will Hunting, his first break through movie.
Ben Affleck’s was not available for questioning.
The Recording Industry Association of America is taking college
students all over America to court for illegally downloading
songs. Whether it is for downloading 10 songs or 10,000 songs the
Association state they will prosecute, however they are offering to
settle out of court as in the case of Sarah Barg, who was expected to
pay $3,000 or $7.87 per song. That is except for the 5
Nickelback songs, the Association stated she can keep those free of
charge.
Angry Scientologists are trying to get a BBC documentary about their
faith scrapped amid claims of "gross bias" by the presenter of the
program, John Sweeney. Furious church members - including actor
John Travolta - say the program should be ditched because Mr. Sweeney
showed he was biased by losing his temper and shouting at a top
scientologist. DC contacted John Travolta about his accusation,
in which Mr. Travolta said, “nah nu nah nu”
and hung up the phone. It is suspected that Robin Williams was at
Mr. Travolta’s house and answered the phone for him.
Irish scientists monitoring dolphins living in a river estuary in the
southwest of the country believe they may have developed a unique
dialect to communicate with each other. When studying the
whistles that dolphins make and categorized them, the scientists found
most were used by both sets of dolphins -- but eight different whistles
were only heard from the Irish dolphins. The scientists
didn’t release all of the sounds to the public, but they did
provide the following in a press release. “play a clip from
boonedock saints.” We are on edge to hear what the other
unique dolphins sounds may be.
George Lopez the first Latino to lead a television series successfully,
isn’t in a lead role any longer. His show was cancelled
this week and he has some words about it. After hearing about his
show being cancelled he said, "TV just became really, really white
again," and after hearing that with out his expensive tan he is no more
Hispanic than David Spade, Lopez said, “You got me.”
Two school employees who staged a fake gun attack on a group of
students during a field trip have been suspended, school officials said
Monday. During the last night of a weeklong trip to a state park,
staff members convinced 69 sixth-grade students that there was a gunman
on the loose. One official has said the exercise was intended as a
teaching tool and after they told the kids about the gunman, they said
the only place that was safe from him was in their pants, where they
had gumdrops and candy canes waiting for the children to suck on.
Last Thursday, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez threatened to
nationalize the country's banks and largest steel producer, accusing
them of unscrupulous practices. He stated, “Private banks
have to give priority to financing the industrial sectors of Venezuela
at low cost," He then stated if they do not do what he asks, he
will not only nationalize them, he will also make them actually have
cash in the banks.
Jon S. Corzine, the governor of NJ resumed his political duties on
Monday, nearly a month after a high-speed crash on the Garden State
Parkway almost killed him. In a special interview Corzine stated
that after the crash he had an out of body experience and went to a
place that he thought was similar to NJ. Corzine wasn’t
sure what the place was, but what he was sure of is it wasn’t
Heaven.
Venezuela is stating that it will not allow U.S. agents to carry out
counter-drug operations in their country, accusing the U.S. Drug
Enforcement Administration of being a "new cartel" that aids
traffickers. That wasn’t the only accusation that Venezuela
let fly about the DEA though, they also accused them of sell hats with
the letters DEA on them to underage wiggers at the beach. An
accusation that the DEA isn’t denying.
Paris Hilton is being sentenced to a 45 day jail sentence after
violating her probation from a previous driving offense. The
judge sentenced her to spend those 45 days at a suburban Los Angeles
jail. Her lawyer, Howard Weitzman, has said he will appeal "to
modify the sentence." His plan is to change the housing facility
from the suburban Los Angeles jail to a Super 8 run by Indians
in the downtown area of Los Angeles, as they are roughly the same
thing, except the Super 8 doesn’t have a turn down service.
Bill Clinton announced that he has negotiated a deal with 2
manufacturers of the newly developed AIDS drugs to help reduce the
costs of these drugs in low and middle income countries. Clinton
said that the deal would generate an average savings of 25 percent in
low-income countries and 50 percent in middle-income countries.
Clinton went on to say that his involvement in this global consern came
after he screwed a female with AIDS, but he swears he didn’t blow
his load.
Six Islamic militants from Yugoslavia and the Middle East were arrested
on charges of plotting to attack the Fort Dix Army base in NJ and "kill
as many soldiers as possible," authorities said Tuesday. The men
were caught leaving the installation, and upon questioning stated,
“well we were going to attack the base, but when we got there it
looked like some one beat us to it.” We remind our
listeners that the base was in NJ.
An Arctic seal found in Florida far from its natural habitat in the
North Pole has been taken to SeaWorld for treatment. The bearded
seal is thin and dehydrated, responding only when touched by staff
members, Dr. Christopher Dold, a staff veterinarian at SeaWorld,
said. He then added that it responds much more when it is being
ass raped, then demonstrated the action, turned and gave a SeaWorld
buddy a high five.
4/24/07 - A new AIDS drug developed by Pfizer Inc. should be approved to
give a new option to patients who are not responding to current medicines,
U.S. advisers unanimously said on Tuesday. The Food and Drug
Administration is expected to make a final decision on the drug, called
maraviroc, within weeks. The medicine is the first designed to keep the
HIV virus from entering healthy immune cells, which many believe is a more
effective way to treat AIDS than through medicines attack the virus itself.
Critics, however, argue that the best AIDS treatment is that developed
during the Reagan era: do nothing and let the fags die.
WASHINGTON (AP) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday
tried to reassure Jewish voters concerned about his Muslim ties, arguing
that his commitment to Israel's security is unwavering.
Obama was addressing the National Jewish Democratic Council when an audience
member, Robert Seidemann of West Palm Beach, Fla., asked "When it comes to
Israel and push comes to shove, how can you make us, as Jews, totally
comfortable in addressing the issues in Israel and moving toward what no
president has been able to do and that is establish a peace?" Following
the question, Obama threw a handful of shiny new coins across the floor and
fled the room. Seidermann said he was a little disappointed that Obama
didn't mention the aid to the Palestinians. He said Obama's position on the
Middle East was a cause of concern, “but it was very nice, with the money.”
About 13,800 Coby-brand USB/MP3/CD boomboxes have been recalled as fire
hazards. The company has received 18 reports of boxes overheating, catching
fire and causing minor property damage. One alternative theory is that the
portable stereos were somehow attempting to self-destruct, almost as if they
were suicidal. This theory was developed after the discovery that all the
boxes that caught on fire were currently playing songs by Nickelback.
The House of Representatives approved a bill recently that would allow
states to reject household trash from other countries. The bill
was created due Michigan residents complaining of Canadian trash being
imported, which they state is causing environmental and health
problems. When questioned on the Bill, the house representative
stated, “ we did it partly because of Michigan’s
complaints, but the main reason we are banning trash from other
countries such as Canada is so the American public doesn’t have
to listen to Nickelback anymore, have you heard that photograph song
yet?”
Singer
Sheryl Crow is at it again, and this time she is saying a ban on using
too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.
Crow has suggested a " limitation be put on how many squares of toilet
paper can be used in any one sitting ". In addition to her toilet paper
idea, she also suggesting that we turn toilets into rose gardens, since
that’s what she thinks her shit smells like.
Hip-hop
mogul Russell Simmons said Monday that the recording and broadcast
industries should consistently ban three racial and sexist epithets
from all so-called clean versions of rap songs and the airwaves. The
three words which Russells wants to ban are ”bitch," "ho" and
"nigger".
In related news, DMX has renamed 2 of his songs. The new names
will be, “ What’s these ladies want” and “My
nice friends.”
4/17/07
Greece's merchant marine minister said Tuesday that human error
contributed to the sinking of a cruise ship off a resort island in the
Aegean Sea last week, forcing the evacuation of nearly 1,600
people. He was then informed of the missing 2 passengers who were
of French decent. After hearing this he stated, “well at
least there is a bright side to this story.”
Ancient microbes might have used a molecule other
than chlorophyll to harness the Sun’s rays, and the earliest life
on Earth might have been purple instead of the green it is today, a
scientist claims. After hearing these remarks, Al Sharpton is
petitioning to have the said scientist fired, even after the scientist
stated he loves all microbes and what he said was deeply sorry to any
microbes that he might have offended.
A Mars-orbiting satellite recently spotted seven dark spots near the
planet's equator that scientists think could be entrances to
underground caves. After this discovery of these many caves, NASA
hired 7 Muslim astronauts for its first trip to Mars.
Guests at Omni luxury hotels will find small scented stickers on the
front pages of their free copies of USA Today. A blackberry aroma will
suggest that the guests start the day at their hotels with a cup of
Starbucks coffee “paired with a fresh muffin.” New
Jersey is trying this idea out as well, and they are putting one of
49 assorted smelling stickers on all their magazines and news
papers. The stickers smell like every other state besides
NJ so at least while reading, their citizens don’t have to smell
the shit hole of a state they live in.
Hillary Clinton's campaign raised a record-setting $26 million for her
presidential campaign in the first three months of the year, which is
the most a candidate has ever earned in that short amount of
time. In unrelated news, Bill Clinton recently paid for the most
expensive blow job in history.
A small church in Ethiopia is making claims that it can and has cured
many of its followers of the AIDS virus. The practices they are
using involve throwing water over the heads of their believers.
In related news a neighboring church is also trying to help cure the
AIDS virus, but instead of throwing water over the AIDS victims,
they are throwing AIDS victims into the ocean.
"An Inconvenient Truth," the big-screen adaptation of former
U.S. Vice President Al Gore's slide-show lecture about the perils of
global warming, won the Academy Award on Sunday for documentary
feature. After taking the stage Gore Stated, "My fellow Americans,
people all over the world, we need to solve the climate crisis," he
then went on to say, “and we must start by taking out that fat cow
Rosie O’Donnell, there is enough hot air coming out of her mouth to
raise 100 Hindenburg’s.”
Former U.S. Federal Reserve
Chairman Alan Greenspan warned Monday that the American economy might
slip into recession by year's end. After hearing of Mr. Greenspan’s
prediction, President Bush stated, “Recession? Hell, we didn’t even
start class!”
Lab mice with the mental retardation of
Down syndrome got smarter after being fed a drug that strengthened
brain circuits involved in learning and memory, researchers reported
Sunday.
After receiving once-daily doses of pentylenetetrazole, or
PTZ, for 17 days, the mice could recognize objects and navigate mazes
as well as normal mice did. Seeing the effects on Mice the researches
quickly found a human test group with down syndrome and administered
the drug to them. When the human test results came back, unfortunately
it showed that none of test group Canada was affected.
Israel
will next month stage its first-ever nationwide drill simulating a
nuclear and chemical missile attack on its cities, rescue services said
Monday. When questioned on what the drill will intail, rescue
services stated, “We are still debating between, “duck and cover” or
“run like hell”.
New York City is closing down it’s
largest homeless shelter that has been open since the Depression. The
city made this decision because it wants to move away from temporary
shelters to subsidized housing. Even the Mayor was said to see it go,
saying, “Everyone is gonna’ miss Grand Central station.”
North Korea agreed Tuesday after arduous talks to shut down
its main nuclear reactor and eventually dismantle its atomic weapons
program, just four months after the communist state shocked the world
by testing a nuclear bomb. North Korea was holding out on the deal in
which they would receive over 250 million worth of aid, but finally
they agreed after promised a one year supply of petroleum from Iraq and
12 year old prostitutes from South Korea.
CAIRO, Egypt - Al-Zawahri, Al-Qaida's No. 2 said President
Bush was an alcoholic and a lying gambler who wagered on Iraq and lost,
according to a new audiotape released Tuesday. On that same tape,
al-Zawahri said if Bush wished to wager again, that he had an inside
line that the Carolina Panthers will draft Troy Smith in the second
round.
NEW
DELHI - Indians at the bottom of India's Hindu caste system are
attacked, raped and killed daily due to their status. The
discrimination they face has not gone unnoticed though. The “Human
Rights Watch” organization is urging India to take steps to rid the
country of the caste system, even though it has been outlawed for
years. When NAAFA heard what the Human Rights Watch was doing they
quickly sided with India. NAAFA or the national association to advance
fat acceptance, stated, without the caste system in India, more than
half of it’s male members wouldn’t have spouses.
Mitt
Romney officially entered the 2008 presidential race Tuesday, a former
one-term Republican governor of Massachusetts suggesting that his
record of leadership inside and outside government uniquely positions
him to tackle the country's challenges. He then held a press
conference where the only questions that was asked was, “who the fuck
is Mitt Romney?”
Anna Nicole Smith died last Thursday and DamnCrackers.com has her official Obituary.
On Thursday, February 8, 2007, Anna Nicole
Smith died from a possible drug overdose. This comes just months after her son
Daniel died of a drug related heart attack while Anna was in some hospital in
the Bahamas, or something, giving birth to an illegitimate love
child.
Early tests from the coroner’s office revealed
a possible fatal mixture of Trim Spa and Semen. However, it could take months
for the official results to be revealed.
Smith was born Vickie Lynn Hogan in Texas on
November 28, 1967. She dropped out of high school in 11th grade after getting
into a fight with another girl over who lived in the better double wide. Soon
after this, she got a job as a waitress working at Jim’s Krispy Fried Chicken.
However, with Smith’s natural talent and profound IQ she quickly moved up to the
rank of grill man. She was later fired for molesting drum
sticks.
Soon after
this in 1985 she married a 16 year old fry cook, Bill Smith. She quickly gave
birth to her first child Daniel before divorcing 2 years later. The divorce
papers cited as the reason
for the divorce,
“Irreconcilable trailer park arguments and in general being a
whore.” Bad luck and a bad
situation could not stop Anna Nicole Smith. She did what any self respecting,
young single mom would do, she became a stripper. After being discovered by a
Playboy talent scout while dancing at “Rod’s BYOB Nudey Club”, Anna posed for
Playboy in 1992. She was quoted as saying, “I can’t believe they could air brush
all my herpes spots off like that.” This was just the beginning and in late 1993
she became Playmate of the Year.
Her next big opportunity came in the form
Guess Jeans. She received a lucrative modeling contract and was featured in TV
commercials, billboard ads and magazines. She was once again quoted as saying,
“I’m so glad to be a Guess model, there health program finally got rid of my
syphilis once and for all.”
Anna decided to take another crack at
marriage. In 1994 she married 84 year old oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II.
After his death she started a desperate court battle for Mr. Marshall’s estate.
She was originally awarded $474 million, but after she was overheard vowing to
spend it all on Pain Killers, Tasty Cakes and liposuction, the court overturned
the verdict and new court date was in the process of being
scheduled.
Reality TV
will never be the same and Trim Spa is in the process of finding a new spokes
person. Trim Spa founder had this to say, “Well, it can’t be that hard to find
some other fat girl with a retarded looking face to lose a couple pounds.” No
longer can the world look forward to Anna’s drunken escapades at Hollywood Award
shows, and her willingness to whip out her saggy, pale breasts will never be
forgotten. It is also worth adding that her breasts fought Godzilla in the 1997
Japanese remake of Godzilla vs Mothra.
Anna Nicole Smith is survived by an infant
daughter or son, no one really paid attention to what it was, everyone was
focused on her 21 year old son having a heart attack. Her funeral will be held
at "Rob’s BYOB Nudey Club" and all donations to the family should be sent to the
Jenna Jameson School for Pole Dancers. A memorial service will be held there on
February 14 2007 from 2:00PM to 2:00AM in commemoration of her shift at Rob’s
BYOB Nudey Club.
Monday, A recent survey of 46 countries shows that thirteen
percent of Americans have never heard of global warming even though
their country is the world's top source of greenhouse gases. In a
related story, 13 percent of Americans are unaware that they are
retards.
Kentuckey Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized
on Monday after an outpour of public support for him in the past few
months. The decision was made from complications that arose at last
years Preakness. Given the situation, the trainer said, we did what we
thought was right. Since then others have followed suit. The loser
of a race from 2004 was recently called upon again to see if he could
be counted on, but in the end his supporters did what was right and had
John Kerry euthanized last night.
The Church of
England is looking for different ways to branch out, and one way they
are doing this is by replacing hymns with hit songs from the group U2.
A live band is going to perform U2’s songs at a special "U2-charist"
communion service later this year. When the Anglican Church of Canada
heard of this they immediately contacted Canada’s most famous group for
a fund raising event called, “give a Nickleback to the Church of
Canada.”
Deeply distrustful of Iran, President Bush
said Monday "we will respond firmly" if Tehran escalates its military
actions in Iraq and threatens American forces or Iraqi citizens. When
told of Bush’s threats to “respond firmly” Tehran returned fire to
President Bush stating, “your American penis size does not scare us!”
Part
one of a French ban on smoking in public places comes into force on
Thursday, covering workplaces, schools and hospitals and giving a
deadline to smoke-filled cafes and bars which have until next January
to kick the habit. The second part of the French ban states all
Frenchmen must have their vaginas removed and artificial balls
replacing them by May of 2007.
An
AIDS organization sued Pfizer Inc. on Monday over ads the group says
encourage use of Viagra as a party drug. The nonprofit group said such
recreational use furthers the spread of HIV and other sexually
transmitted diseases and alleges the marketing of Viagra has fostered
an increase in the spread of STDs. Along with suing Pfizer for their
ads promoting Viagra as a party drug and furthering the spread of HIV,
the group is also suing Pfizer because all of their grandmothers have
contracted aids as well.
Iran has barred entry to 38 U.N. nuclear inspectors on Monday from
entering the country. The request for the inspectors comes because the
West is afraid that Iran will use its nuclear program to build nuclear
weapons. When questioned on the ban, a U.N. spokesman stated, "We were
shocked when they denied them entry, but then again . . . all 38
inspectors were Hasidic Jews."
Keith Urban has released a video on his website this week. In the video
Keith praised his Wife, Nicole Kidman, and thanks his fans for all the
support that they gave him while he was in an alcohol rehabilitation
program for the past 90 days. Keith also thanked Lil' John in the video
for providing amble amounts of crunk juice and vodka to help him get
through the tough times.
Doctors in France today have performed the second ever face transplant.
The procedure which was performed on a man that was disfigured by a
genetic disorder, gave him a new nose, mouth and chin and replaced
parts of his cheeks. The Chief Doctor Laurent Lantieri stated, "The
patient is doing well from a surgical point of view," he then went on
to say, "He already looks 100 times better than he did before the
operation." We tried to reach the patient himself for an interview, but
unfortunately Ben Affleck was not available.
Joe Francis, The founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos was sentenced
Monday to two years probation, a 500K fine and 200 hours of community
service for violating federal laws designed to prevent the sexual
exploitation of minors. In an interview Joe stated he was upset with
the community service sentence but since he has to, he will probably
complete his community service at the park and a local retirement home.
In coinciding news, Mantra films the owners of
“Girls gone wild� are planning the
release of "Grandma's Gone Wild"� for late this year.
NEW YORK - The gas-like odor that hung over Manhattan's streets on
Monday, was gone Tuesday, but city officials were still trying to
pinpoint its source — and eyeing New Jersey.A spokesman for the
city Department of Environmental Protection said Tuesday that his
agency was pretty sure the source of the smell was along New Jersey's
industrialized waterfront, just across the Hudson River from New York.
He then stated, “it’s not like that is news though, since everyone
knows NJ is the asshole of the US.”
President Bush is telling
lawmakers he will send thousands more U.S. troops Iraq's two most
troubled regions, in a plan that Democrats are resisting as a major
escalation of a 3 1/2-year-old war. Bush is expected to announce a new
war strategy and that will call for as many as 20,000 additional
troops to war, according to several senators briefed by the president
on Monday. When President Bush was told that the Democrats will
challenge him on his new strategy, he said, “I think we can settle this
the old fashioned way, rock, paper scissors style.”
A security
guard in S.C. fired shots at a woman earlier today. A police report
states the security guard chased the woman as she ran to her car after
stealing a book from the library and he said her bumper brushed his
knee as she pulled away. Upon Questioning the security guard stated,
“That bitch stole my Madlips! Now what the fuck I supposed to do all
day?”
Iwao Takamoto died this week. His name might not be
a household name but his cartoons were. Takamoto's was the creator of
Scooby Doo, the cowardly dog. He also assisted in the designs of some
of the biggest animated features and television shows, including
"Cinderella," "Peter Pan," "Lady and the Tramp" and "The Flintstones."
Takamoto is said to be laid to rest later this week, and his headstone
will just read, “Iwao takamoto, Ruut Rooow!” Yeah, that was lame, but
so is the news this week. Lay off.
Anti-abortion
extremist James Kopp, who is defending himself against charges of
killing abortion doctor Barnett Slepian, apologized to the man's widow
in court Tuesday. After Lynne Slepian described how her husband
fell against her after he was shot in their kitchen, Kopp said quietly,
"Mrs. Slepian, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I respect you and your
family." Kopp then ass-raped the Slepian's youngest son, after
which he presented Mrs. Slepian with a bouquet of long-stemmed roses.
A trailer park community in FL is getting offered the deal of a life
time today. Over 500 mobile homes owners are being offered 1 million
dollars to sell their property to a local developer. Upon questioning
whether they would sell or not, one of those lucky lots owners stated,
"Wes ain't sure whether wes selling or not, buts 1 million dollars sure
could buy a lot of git-r-done bumper stickers for all those cars wes
got sittin’ in the yard."
Gerald Ford passed on last week. Mr.
Ford who was a national icon. . . in Iraq was hung for the murder of
over 100 Sunnis in the early 1980's. In other news, Saddam Hussein
died at the age of 93 last week as well. Mr. Hussein’s funeral was
held today at the Washington National Cathedral. We here at
DamnCrackers wish to honor Mr. Hussein as they did at his funeral
today, so we will play "Fanfare for the Common Man" to end, this week
in the news.
The Food and Drug Administration announced last
Thursday that it would approve the sale of milk and meat from some
cloned animals. The approved products would include meat from pigs, and
milk and meat from goats and cattle, but no sheep food products. "No
unique risks for human food consumption were identified in cattle,
swine or goat clones," a draft risk assessment stated, “but even cloned
sheep still contain unsafe levels of hillbilly semen.”
The
African nation of Togo recently became one of the few countries on that
continent to have a law in place that legalizes the practice of
abortion when the mother’s life is not in immediate danger. The new law
allows for abortion in the case of rape or incest, and is seen as a
great victory for those who are pro-choice. The next battle for
progressives in Togo is to force the government to make it a crime to
commit rape or incest.
In an effort to stop prostitution in South Korea,
the government is offering gifts to office workers who promise not to
visit brothels during the holiday season. Ministry of Gender
Equality said in an Internet posting, "If you promise yourself to make
it a healthy night out at the end of the year, and if you recommend
this to others, we are giving lots of prizes." Among the prizes
are movie tickets, cash prizes and 13 year old Vietnamese whores.
James Brown died earlier this week. After being hospitalized last
week with pneumonia, the “godfather of Soul” pasted on to
that funky place in the sky. It was a tragic lose, especially
since Mr. Brown just released his 6th album titled, “James Brown
– yeah I’m still alive.” The album, with feet
movin’ hits such as, “Papa’s got a brand new
colostomy bag” and “I feel good, . . .no, wait . .
.beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep”.
12/26/06 - Scientists in the Black Hills region of South Dakota say new
threat to the local Mountain Lion population is emerging, and
it’s not what many people would suspect. Several Mountain
Lions have been spotted with opacity in their eyes, and at least two
have been confirmed to be blind. The researchers say the most
likely culprit is Chlamydia, a sexually transmitted disease.
Experts say they need more funding to investigate further, but the
federal monies are not being granted. When questioned about the
issue, the U.S. administration issued a statement saying that they
would fund the project only if the Mountain Lions agreed to sign
chastity pledges and practice an “abstinence only”
lifestyle.
Saddam Hussein is due to be executed within 30 days, as stated by Iraq
’s highest appeals court today. Hussein was sentenced for
the 1982 murdering over 100 Shiites in the central city of
Dujail. Hussein said that 30 days was unacceptable and reasserted
that he is the true ruler of Iraq . Later in an exclusive
DamnCrackers interview with Saddam he said 30 days was unacceptable not
because he didn’t want to die so soon, but that he already booked
a vacation for himself and 30 members of the Bath party to the central
city of Dujail for late next month and could not get his money
refunded.
WASHINGTON - Sen. Joseph Biden, the incoming chairman of the Senate
Foreign relations Committee said he will fight President Bush if the
administration decides to send more U.S. troops to Iraq .
Biden who is 64 years would be considered an underdog to president bush
who is 60 and has 2 knock outs already under his belt. Gore and
Kerry. When questioned on this fight, Biden stated, “Not only is
he trying to send more troops to Iraq , he also ate my last gummy
bear!”
Police hunting a suspected serial killer following the
murders of five prostitutes in eastern England arrested a man on
Monday. Detective Chief Superintendent Stewart Gull stated,
“He has been arrested on the suspicion of murdering all five
women.” His identity has not been released to the public
amid the public outcry. In other news, Simon Cowell has not been
seen since early Monday morning.
North Korea is affirming their right to build nuclear weapons, amid
strong opposition from the U.S. and the United Nations. North
Korea test-detonated a nuclear weapon Oct. 9 and fired a series of test
missiles over the Sea of Japan July 5. Along with affirming their
right to have nuclear weapons, North Korea is also affirming their
right to not love Raymond.
A runner from India was asked this week to return their medal for
winning the 800m run at the Asian games, that took place earlier this
month. The reason the medal was retracted is due to the runners
gender being in question. The runner, who competed in the female
events, was asked to undergo a gender test. After the test, it
was revealed that the runner never had a sex change, but had
“abnormal chromosomes” and that there were more Y
chromosomes than allowed. In addition to the extra chromosome,
the runner also had one extra penis.
The search on Mt. Hood for the missing climbers continues today.
One climber was found earlier this week, frozen in a snow cave.
The remaining 2 climbers last known location has not been
determined. The only thing rescue teams had to go on was a phone
call with the missing climbers late last week. DamnCrackers has
obtained part of the last part of the converstation, “Yeah we are
trapped in a hole, it’s dark and(climber gets cut off from
speaking) . . . It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets
the hose again . . . (dead air noise). We are all praying for
them.
An Italian village is finally basking in warm sunrays. The
village with a population of less than 200 lies in a valley so steep
that each year from November 11 to February 2 it hardly receives any
sunshine. That has all changed since the mayor thought up a plan
to have sun light reflected into the villages historic square off of
Dr. Phil’s gigantic bald head. Although Dr. Phil was not
available for questioning, Gino the local goat herder was. Gino stated,
“I never thought Dr. Phil would be useful for anything besides
licking Oprah’s balls, but now, he is a God sent to our
Village. Thank you Dr. Phil’s humongous shiny head!”
The White house is under fire again for delaying another news
announcement. The administration was recently criticized for not
reporting immediately that VP Dick Cheney had shot one of his friends
in a hunting accident. Now, they are accused of failing to report
soon enough that First Lady Laura Bush recently underwent surgery to
have a cancerous tumor removed from her shin. The procedure was
reminiscent of what her husband, the President, endured in 2001 when he
had four precancerous lesions removed from his face. At the time,
the White House was chided for failing to report that a large portion
of President Bush’s brain had also been extracted, but then-Press
Secretary Scott McClellan had justified the action by stating “I
didn’t realize we had to report what was obvious to
everyone.”
The Houston, TX area is facing ever-growing concerns about safety from
its young male population. Since mid-September, police have been
searching for what appears to be a serial rapist, whose victims, now up
to at least five, are other men. Police are concerned that there
may actually be many more victims, but that many men would be too
ashamed or embarrassed to report a crime of this sort. Meanwhile,
local public officials are becoming worried about the way this string
of crimes reflects upon the area, and hope it doesn’t detract
from tourism. Damncrackers.com’s own associate, Doggie,
agrees. “The whole area is fantastic,” Doggie
claims. “It’s just a lot of fun hangin’ out
with the guys down there.” Doggie had been visiting the
area since mid-September.
Tara Connor, the reigning Miss USA, will be allowed to keep her crown
despite recent criticism regarding her exploits in underage
drinking. Media reports regarding Miss Connor’s frequenting
of NYC bars and nightclubs had left many wondering what sort of role
model she would be and whether or not she should be allowed to maintain
her title. Donald trump put any questions of the title being
stripped to rest today by announcing that the young woman, who turned
21 on Monday, could hold onto her crown as long as she entered a rehab
program. Miss Connor removed her mouth from his genitals long
enough to thank him for the second chance, then got right back to
“networking”.
9/09/06 - Laura Bush played Master of Ceremonies at the commissioning of the
U.S. Navy’s newest attack submarine, the USS Texas, in Galveston today. She did
so well at the event that many were left wondering how much experience she has
at handling something so large, hard, and full of seamen. A crowd of thousands
applauded as the First Lady directed the crew of the long, stiff vessel to climb
aboard. In all, she was obliged by 134 soldiers.
09/10/06 – Although
there is an open parliamentary vote in Montenegro today, very few people have
any doubt as to who will come out victorious. Prime Minister Milo Djukanovic has
stayed on top of Montenegro’s political scene for 15 years, and he and his party
are highly favored to maintain their dominance over all opponents. This
political imbalance has left many in the world wondering: Where the hell is
Montenegro?
9/11/06- A civil suit was filed in a New Orleans
district court today by a group of animal lovers who claim that their pets were
killed unnecessarily after the owners were evacuated following Hurricane
Katrina. Among those leading the charge for justice is John Bozes, who still
greatly misses his dog Angel Girl, a black Labrador. Bozes claims that had Angel
Girl been a white Labrador, this tragedy never would have happened.
Chevron
and two other oil companies announced a deep water discovery of oil in
the Gulf of Mexico today. The announcement stated that this
project could result in one of the largest domestic oil reserves
outside of Alaska . Chevron has the largest stake in the
operation at 50%, and another U.S. company, Devon Energy Corporation,
of Oklahoma City , has a 25% share. The remaining 25% is owned by
Statoil of Norway. In an “unrelated” story, President
Bush announced today that “the world has tolerated Norwegian
terrorism for too long” and the U.S. may soon be forced to take
military action against the Scandanavian nation. Bush was further
quoted as saying “Where’s Norwegia? Lemme at
‘em, lemme at ‘em!”
A recent memo leaked to the
British press purportedly detailed Tony Blair’s plans to depart
his post as Great Britain ’s Prime Minister. The people of
Great Britain were greatly surprised by the timing of the memo,
especially since most British voters have been planning Blair’s
departure for about two years.
President Bush attended a small gathering on Monday in observance of
the Labor Day holiday. The President delivered a brief speech
which appropriately touched on issues regarding the American
workforce. Although there was not a lot of good news regarding
domestic labor, the President was hopeful. He mentioned that the
unemployment rate had gone down from 4.8 percent to 4.7 percent.
“That’s a good sign for somebody looking for a job,”
the President said. He then winked and pointed at the Republican
incumbents present.